PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals

I don’t hunt. I have been hunting once, for antelope in Wyoming, about 15 years ago. I enjoyed the “thrill of the hunt”, I shot one, I ate the meat, and I had it mounted. It currently resides on the wall in my basement, basically because Mrs. Johann won’t let me put it anywhere else in the house, but that’s another story. If circumstances presented themselves, I may very well go hunting again, but I’m not a “hunter” in that I don’t regularly go, nor do I own a shotgun, bow & arrow, rifle, spear, slingshot, blow-dart… blower… thingy, or any other hunting weapon.

I’m kind of like Ron White when it comes to hunting: “It’s not that I feel it’s somehow more holy to eat meat that was bludgeoned to death by someone else… it’s really early, it’s really cold out, and I don’t wanna fuckin’ go.” I don’t get the whole “getting up three weeks before the crack of dawn to sit in a tree for 14 hours waiting for something to happen by” thing. I view my antelope hunt as more of a “challenge”, simply because I actually hunted them- I walked (and crawled) through sagebrush over hills and through valleys trying to spot one. Anyone who has ever seen an antelope and knows what the Wyoming countryside looks like knows that can be easier said than done. I’m not trying to piss off deer hunters by any means, but it seems to me that it’s not really much of a “hunt” if you’re stationary and waiting for them to come to you. Maybe if I actually went deer hunting, I might change my tune on that, but until then, I say hunting antelope in Wyoming is more of a challenge. Sorry.

So anyway, yesterday’s SJ-R had a story about the opening of firearm season. I had no idea people hunted firearms until I realized they mean hunting with firearms. I’m not the sharpest star in the pizzeria. And then, of course, that was met by all the tree-hugging do-gooders bitching about hunting. Everything from “those poor little dumb animals don’t have a chance” to apparently questioning hunters’ manhoods by sarcastically suggesting that it “takes a real man to kill a defenseless animal”. To those people, I say this:

You’re all idiots. Shut the hell up.

Let’s start with the questioning manhood thing. It’s the old adage about men being hunters while women are gatherers. It’s in men’s biological makeup to hunt. It’s just that it’s stronger in some than in others. Secondly, as with anything else, there are increasing numbers of women who are getting into hunting. So the “little dick” argument doesn’t really hold much water, pardon the pun. That being said, there is still some measure of bravado in hunting that cannot be argued. Right or wrong, there seems to be a testosterone rush connected with shooting a deer, antelope, lion, rabbit, rhino, squirrel, pheasant, elephant, elk, earthworm, tsetse fly, whatever it is one hunts. So yeah, I guess it is somewhat of a dick thing, but tell that to the women that hunt.

Next is the “argument” about deer being defenseless animals. Yeah, they don’t have guns. One of the many MENSA-worthy message board commenters that SJ-R.com attracts actually suggested “maybe we should give the deer guns and make it fair”. I love stupid people. I’m thinking that arming deer probably wouldn’t do them much good anyway, considering they have hooves, genius. Besides, it’s the right to BEAR arms, not DEER arms. (Really bad pun, sorry. I am my mother’s child.)

Several other special commenters posted things along the lines of “you like to shoot things so much, we should send you to Iraq”. I’m not even going to glorify that thinking by pointing out how incredibly profoundly stupid it and the people that said it are.

The thing is, the deer population, as with all animal populations, needs to be controlled (including humans, but, again, another story). There are several animal species in the world that are on the”protected” or “endangered” list, and for good reason. I don’t think we should rid the planet of ANY species. But some need to be controlled. That’s where [legal] hunting comes in. An exceedingly large deer population can threaten farmland to the point it can no longer be fertile. It is just part of the balance of nature. An overabundance of deer can increase the amount of deer-vs.-car collisions, causing injury to not only poor little Bambi, heaven forbid, but also to humans, AND each such collision causes insurance rates to go up for everyone.

Now, the big daddy hot button for all the follow-the-chic-trend lambs is the “senseless killing of poor animals” and the EATING thereof. First off, what is the difference between that big-ass steak you’re eating in a restaurant and the deer snausages a hunter makes from a deer he shot and killed himself? Answer: nothing. But the kicker here is how all the treehuggers say humans shouldn’t eat ANY animals. Yeah, well, again, you’re wrong. Like I said, it’s the balance of nature- species at the top of the food chain eat those below them. Nobody gets their knickers in a twist over the lions and alligators that eat wildebeests and zebras. Why? It’s only okay for animals to eat other animals? Aren’t WE animals? I can hear it now: “oh yeah, well what if some animal hunted you and ate you?!” That happens occasionally- balance of life, folks. It’s their world, we’re only visiting. Most people that are attacked and/or killed by animals likely were infringing on (what’s left of) said animal’s habitat, or else they were just stupid (”hey Bubba- watch THIS! AAAAUUUUUGHGHHH!!”). Another favorite stupid argument is “you shouldn’t kill and eat another living creature”. Oh, so it’s okay to kill and eat plants? Aren’t plants alive? Dumb asses. “But plants can come back and regenerate”. Yeah, well, cats are supposed to have nine lives, so let’s eat cats. Dumb asses.

Secondly, the planet simply cannot support a totally vegetarian population. There just isn’t enough land to grow the amount of crops and grains that would require, and said crops and grains simply don’t grow quickly enough to be able to adequately feed 7 billion people and the billions of herbivorous animals that exist. Crops would run out and/or be eaten in no time and everything/everyone would die. Is THAT what you want? B-A-L-A-N-C-E O-F L-I-F-E, people.

Bottom line, all you treehuggers need to realize that, believe it or not, the grand majority of us carni- and omnivores have absolutely no problem with your being vegetarian or vegan. Basically, it’s that we really don’t care. That means more meat for us. If you don’t want to eat meat, that’s your binniss. But don’t ridicule us for doing so. God has made us (humans) the top of the food chain — at least for right now — so that’s how it goes. Get over it. Don’t try to recruit me to your little social clique, which is really all the more vegetarians and vegans are. You go out and try to show the world how much better you are than everyone else- style over substance. Nothing but a bunch of hypocrites, if you ask me. Kind of like “environmentalists” that put “protect the environment” license plates on their cars. Oh, the sad irony.

Look, folks, people have been hunting, killing, and eating animals for millions of years. It’s how it goes. You don’t want to hunt them, or even eat them, then don’t. I do think if you’re going to kill it, you should be prepared to eat it or give it to someone who will, and I don’t believe in just outright torture of animals, no matter what species, especially domestic animals (* cough Michael Vick cough*), but I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with LEGAL hunting or those that partake in it. I do, however, have a very serious problem with the holier-than-thou’s, most of whom are incredibly hypocritical.

On a side note: just think how different this Thursday would be if Ben Franklin had gotten his way and made the turkey the national bird… “hey, Ma, pass the groundhog, wouldja?!”

(I could have said beaver…)

Look, folks, there’s room for ALL God’s creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes.