Spam blockers… virus blockers… how about a stupidity blocker?

You’ve all seen them.

Chances are better than average that you’ve all sent them, at one point or another. I know I used to. But now, most all of them end with me. And I’ll take the risk of the fiddy-lebbm years of bad luck, the no more sex, the eternal damnation, the admission that I hate my friends, and/or the slow, agonizing, brutal death that not forwarding every single one of them forecasts.

I’m not talking about spam emails, although I despise that shit too. You know, the things that, no matter how good your blocking software is, still find their way to your mailbox, advertising things like supposedly dirt cheap prices for {illegally obtaining} impotence medications, ways to increase one’s bust size two full cups, no-interest consolidation loans (which are just that- I have no interest in reading about them), and the ever-popular “increase your penis size” potions. Stupid things don’t even work. Um, so I hear. Ahem.

But I digress.

No, I’m talking about most of those God-forsaken forwarded emails that keep creeping into our e-mailboxes like chancres on one’s genitals. Don’t get me wrong- some of them are good, or at least funny and/or worth the time to read. I like the jokes, as long as they’re not heinously long and drawn out, I like the Maxine cartoons, as long as they’re not the S.O.S. (same old shit), and much to the chagrin of my family, I like the “surveys”, even though they do have the same stupid questions all the time (”croutons or bacon bits”… wow, now there’s a chance to really open up to people). There are even some political things I read- again, as long as they’re not too terribly long. And I hate politics.

What? Basically because I hate politicians.

Hmmmm? Oh, because they’re all fuggin’ crooked, that’s why. Every last one of them.

ANY-hooze, what I’m mainly referring to are all the touchy-feely peace and love and forced patriotism emails. First, let’s look at all the little “send this to all your friends” things. You know, the ones that contain the diabetes-inducing so-called e-kisses and the e-hugs and the e-tag games and the e-snowball fights and the e-angels and the e-moons and the e-handjobs and the e-fairies and e-froggies and… give me an e-break. Gag me, folks. Come on, if you have my email address in the first place, it should go without saying that I consider you a good enough friend and/or have enough “room in my heart” for you. Good Lord, are you that insecure that you genuinely need me to send this little flaky-assed poem back to you to be certain I’m your friend?! If that’s the e-case, then perhaps a little e-therapy might be in e-order. Don’t get me e-wrong, I like the thought behind some of them, and I appreciate that you thought enough of me to include me in it, but holy shit- enough is enough. I’ll get six or more of those at a time from the same person some days. Again, I love getting email from people, but sheeeeesh.

Next are all the Jesus emails. Now I freely admit I’m not the most Christianest person out there and probably could use all the help I can get, but I hate getting the Jesus emails. Religion and one’s spiritual beliefs in general are, to me, extremely personal things that I view like this: my beliefs are none of your business and yours are none of mine. Again, I’m grateful you “thought enough” of me to send me an impersonal message blessing me and praying for what you apparently believe is my heathen barbaric soul, but next time, just say a silent prayer and be done with it. Like I said, I love getting email, but spare me the sermon. Literally.

Then there are the “AMERICA RULES!!!” emails. These are perhaps the worst of all. I especially hate the ones that either contain YouTubes of (or links to a website containing some cheesy slideshow of) some type of “be patriotic or you’re one of ‘them’” message, most of which play Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” or Enrique Islesias’ “Hero” as background music. Look, people, I am proud to be an American (”…where at least I know I’m freeeeeeee”… “and I’ll gladly staaand UP…” buh buh BUUUUHHHHHH…) but all the messages I’m routinely inundated with ad nauseum really wind up coming across as profoundly disingenuous anymore. Not to mention they’ve made me completely sick of both of those songs, not that I liked them all that much to begin with. That’s not the fault of the sender per se, but I curse the sender nonetheless by proxy. Those types of messages meant something six years ago in the IMMEDIATE aftermath of 9/11; now they are nothing more than simply contrived, pathetic displays of chest-thumping, America’s-dick-is-bigger-than-theirs crap. What really gets me is how so many people don’t utilize the simpler ways of demonstrating their patriotism- flying a flag on their house, or one that the absence thereof is one of my BIG pet peeves: the simple act of saluting the flag in a parade. I HATE going to parades in this fucking town anymore because of the complete lack of disrespect so many people display not just for the flag but for their fellow parade goers. Now, parades are all about all the little white-trash children with their Hefty bags and nasty dirty pillowcases in tow, standing 15 deep, 7 feet off both sides of the center line on 5th Street, beating the shit out of each other for candy in a way that would make Vince McMahon salivate. What happened to standing (silently and with your frickin’ hats OFF, you goddamned inbred hillbillies) with one’s hand over one’s heart when the Vietnam, Korea, and WWII veterans march by carrying the flag? (Or the Marine Corps color guard, National Guard, Cub, Boy, and/or Girl Scouts, high school marching band, whomever it may be… forgive me for leaving out anyone who has ever carried or displayed the flag in such an event- I did it when I was a lad and took it for the honor it is.) All you slack-jawed booger-eatin’ morons will get off your asses when the WFMB truck comes by chucking Tootsie Rolls and Jolly Ranchers; how about a little love for the reason you’re there in the first place? Goddamned hypocrites. You do shit like that and then turn around and belittle anyone who doesn’t sing “God Bless the U.S.A.” or {insert random Toby Keith song here} at maximum off-key volume, like YOU do, as “unamerrikun”. Get over yourselves, rednecks. (NOTE: “redneck” is NOT an endearing term, nor should it be something to aspire to be, regardless of the success of Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy.)

But back to the lecture at hand: the emails. I know the significance of the events of 9/11. I will not forget what happened- how could anyone forget- and I will forever remember where I was when the story broke, just as my parents will remember where they were when Kennedy was shot, just as their parents will remember where they were when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. (I’m not explaining that reference- look it up.) I don’t want to be forced to relive it 24/7. Hell, I don’t want to be forced to relive it once a year on 9/11. I was fortunate enough not to lose any friends or loved ones in those events; let those that did participate in the memorial services. I don’t fault them in the least for doing so. But don’t fault me for choosing to look ahead or worrying about things like how fucked up this country is going to be if, heaven forbid, that socialist psycho douchebag Hilary Clinton gets elected President next year, for example. She makes Bill look damn good. And stop using the word “hero” so damned much- we’ve just about eliminated the significance and the true meaning of the word. There have been many “heroes” who have risked and/or given their lives, but simply putting a uniform on does not make one a hero- it makes one courageous, yes, but not automatically a hero. All these pseudo-flag-waving emails accomplish is to water down the importance of the men and women of the military, not to mention diminish the importance of police officers, firemen, EMTs, and others who willingly but anonymously risk their lives every single day trying to keep us safe right here in Anytown, U.S.A. Don’t get me started on the lack of respect for them, especially the police.

At any rate, that’s not “patriotism”, mis hijos. If you need some friggin’ rah-rah-USA email to rouse your patriotism, you never really possessed that much to begin with. Again, they’re largely disingenuous.

Finally, just in a general sense, there is the belief some people inconceivably appear to possess that not forwarding the emails to everyone you’ve ever met in your life actually will somehow bestow upon you a lifetime of pain and suffering. Holy shit, people, wake up. For example, do you truly believe Bill Gates is sitting around with pen and checkbook in hand, waiting to write $200 checks to everyone that forwarded “his” email? Have you NOT yet figured out that it’s called a scam? People send those things out so that they can get your email and/or IP address and bombard you with spam. Where do you think all those penis enlargement emails come from? If I ever DO receive something I feel is worthy of passing on to someone else, I delete all that other “forwarded message” garbage, PLUS, I’m extremely selective as to whom I send it. If I start getting a bunch of spam, I’ve got a short list of suspects!!

And are you really THAT stupid to believe that sending or not sending an email to the “required” number of people actually has any effect on your love life, sex life, spiritual life, or life in general? Jean Claude Van DAMN, do you need help.

I’m somewhat concerned that this little tirade will cause me to either get bombarded with the exact types of emails I described, or to never receive another email again, but the people that read this drivel don’t send me those types of emails anyway. Those that do don’t know about this blog so they won’t be offended. Sweet, huh?

Oh yeah- God bless, and Merry Christmas.