Illinois’ top douchebag

Read this.

Holy crap, Governor Asshole has GOT to go. And you people say Bush is bad.

Nice job, Blowjo, cut a bunch of DCFS positions- it’s not like that’s where they’re needed or anything. You ignorant dumb-ass imbecile.

Maybe if Saint Barack does get elected President in November, we can all petition him to finally get statehood granted to Chicago once and for all and then Illinois will not have to deal with those dickheads anymore. We’ve got enough dickheads downstate as it is- we don’t need Chicago’s dickheads screwing life up for those of us that aren’t in someone’s pocket. Obama should jump at the chance to do that- he’s from Chicago, so I’m sure he’d be thrilled to finally make the state of Chicago free of all us hillbilly slackjawed booger-eatin’ morons south of I-80.

Tell me again why we don’t have the recall? Oh, that’s right, because these douches are smart enough to know we’ve figured them out and would use it on their crooked asses.

Oh, and then there’s this.  Are you fuggin’ KIDDING me?!  “Yeah, I’m a very good Governor.  Yeah.  K-Mart sucks.  Yeah.”

This is what we’ll have in the White House if Obama gets elected, folks; they are two peas in the same warped little pod.  Enjoy.

Beer backpedal

The “stupid people” tag on this post finally refers to myself for once. Well, all right, “for once” meaning that, for once, I’m finally willing to admit it.

My {squirrel’s fist-sized} fistful of loyal readers will probably remember a post of mine from a few months ago regarding so-called beer “snobs”. If not, click here and refresh yourself, pardon the pun.

Let me just say that I do still stand by the belief that there are SOME micro-brew slash craft-beer drinkers out there that do represent themselves as “snobs” by considering their standards or their tastes above those that prefer mass-produced beers such as Anheuser-Busch, Miller, or Coors products- the “Big Three”, as I call them. But I also recognize that most micro and craft drinkers simply look at “Big Three” drinkers more as “missing out” than anything else, if anything at all, and probably don’t really think about it at all and really don’t give a rip what someone else drinks. And believe it or not, I recognized that all along.

Let me also say that there are “Big Three” drinkers that represent themselves in a less-than-positive light as well- not as “snobs” but as blind loyalists. People unwilling to expand their horizons. Afraid of that which is different. Unable and/or unwilling to think- or in this case, to drink- outside of the proverbial box. And I was one of them.

I have long been a “Big Three” drinker. I stick to the “Big Three” brewers- my usual suds of choice being Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light. I also have been known to regularly drink others in the “Big Three”’s families, such as Miller High Life and MGD, or Bud Select, Budweiser, and Michelob, for example. But typically, I usually either have Bud Light or Miller Lite on hand, and that’s usually what I’d order when dining out. For the record, I’m really disappointed that Anheuser-Busch sold themselves to InBev, but not so much so that I will stop drinking their beer (provided InBev doesn’t dick around with their flavors…). That’s not what this is about.

Last fall, my sister-in-law’s husband introduced me to Michelob Amber Bock. I was in quite the quandary. It is made by my preferred manufacturer, yet it was a dark(er) beer, much darker than what I was used to, and considered (at least in my head, if not by A-B) to be a “craft” beer. I was big-time hesitant to try it, because I didn’t want to become what I always perceived (out of ignorance, admittedly) as a beer “snob”. I honestly was one of those that automatically labeled craft-beer drinkers as hoidy-toidy, and as thinking they are more sophisticated than non-craft-beer drinkers. But, giving in to the “pressure”- and reassuring myself that since Amber Bock is made by A-B, it would be “okay” to drink it- I tried it and loved it and have drunk essentially nothing else since. Then I started looking at myself as “worldly” because now I drink a craft beer, and a dark(er) one at that. Oooooh, I have such high-fallutin’ taste buds now. What a dork.

Fast forward to earlier this summer. After one of my son’s baseball games, the Johanns went to dinner at BWW with my sister-in-law’s family. We ordered Amber Bocks and were told that they dropped it from their beer list. I thought, what the hell kind of backwoods unsophisticated bar doesn’t serve Michelob Amber Bock?! So, instead of falling back into the safety of a Bud Light, I rather hesitantly followed my brother-in-law’s lead and ordered a Fat Tire Amber Ale, made by New Belgium Brewing Co. in Fort Collins, CO, right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. It was rather different than what I am used to with A-B products. And guess what- I loved it. At this very moment I have one Amber Bock in my fridge and ten Fat Tires. I have been given the suggestion by three people now to try 1554, the dark beer variety made by New Belgium. That is on my list.

Due to Dan’s recent outstanding customer service experience, I also vow to try Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, if for no other reason than because of said customer service. That goes a long, LONG way with me. Sight unseen- or taste untasted, as it were- I will try SNPA simply out of principle.

I will likely try at least a couple of the 477 Samuel Adams varieties out there. I think that might be part of what shies me away from some of “that type” of beer- so many different varieties, the subtleties and differences between which are lost on my simple tastes, that I get overwhelmed. To me, as long as beer tastes like what I feel beer “should” taste like, I’m fine. And in my way of thinking, with so many different varieties, how much like beer can Sam Adams really taste? But again, I may accidentally discover I actually like at least a couple of them.

I need to make myself try some of the “beers I’ve never heard of” when I go to BWW and similar places. That’s about the only way I can try different beers without having to buy an entire 6- or 12-pack and be stuck with it if I don’t like it. If only you could get “sampler” packs at liquor stores- 6-packs (or even 12-packs) that have different varieties of a particular brewer’s wares. I honestly think I’d be far more willing to buy them if I knew I didn’t have to commit myself to a whole mess of something I didn’t like. So I’m taking suggestions on beers that a craft-beer newbie ought to try.

I have no intention of giving up Michelob Amber Bock, or Bud Light, or Bud Select, or Miller Lite, or Coors Light, or any of the other mainstream corporate beers to which I have grown accustomed over my twenty-year-plus beer drinking career. However, I have also finally discovered that “craft beer” or “micro-brew” or simply “non-Big Three” doesn’t automatically mean bitter, or funky aftertaste, or instant hangover-quality headache. There are still some I have tried that I just can’t do- I think Guinness is hideous (tried it), I think whatever beer it is that my brother’s wife likes that smells like Fruity Pebbles is hideous (tried it), and there are some flavored beers I simply can never bring myself to try. Like pumpkin, for example. But, there are also “normal” (i.e. non-specialty) beers that I simply won’t touch ever again either, and that’s more out of respect for my taste buds than any form of snobbery or blind loyalty or anything like that. Your PBRs, your Stags, your Milwaukee’s Be(a)st, your Natural Lights, for example. Sorry, A-B faithful, but Natural Light sucks and sucks hard.

I have yet to find an {actual} import that I can finish, but I will continue the search. Purely from a research standpoint, of course.

At any rate, I have learned that since taste is relative and highly subjective, one cannot logically demean another for their beer preferences, nor their lack thereof. I have learned that, no matter how expansive my beer palate (or is it “palette”?) may become, I will never become a true beer connoisseur. I will never even become a beer “geek”, as my brother deems himself, because I am really just not that interested in the history of beer or the intricacies and subtle nuances of making it, or anything like that. For example, apparently beer somehow tastes better out of a glass than out of the glass bottle in which it comes, and that makes no sense to me whatsoever. Glass is glass, isn’t it? No, the A-B tour is about as “behind the scenes” as I feel I need to be. But I do have more respect for those that are that into beer, as they do truly have more knowledge off all things hops and barley (or wheat…) than I, no matter how subjective what constitutes a “good” beer may be. So while it truly was meant as a hyperbolic, mostly tongue-in-cheek post, I do humbly offer my apology to any and all beer drinkers whom I may have offended by that post. I do not consider myself suddenly sophisticated just because I have discovered a couple of non-mainstream beers, but I also no longer believe that drinking non-mainstream beers makes one a “snob”. Unless, of course, you ridicule mainstream beer drinkers. Even if they deserve it.

Besides, everyone knows that wine drinkers are the real snobs.

Dumb-ass of the Day

Okay, today’s dumb-ass of the day is SJ-R.com commenter Bob Judd of Chatham.  Don’t blame me; he chose to use {what I assume is} his real name.

This article, thankfully brought to my attention by Mr. Cacciatore as I somehow missed it in the actual paper, is an op-ed piece by the woman who was hit by a foul ball at a recent Sliders game.  I’m not even going to get into picking the article apart, which it at least somewhat deserves to be.  No, this is about the little mini-debate Mr. Judd and I conducted in the comments after the article.

Nutshell version:  he feels that there needs to be announcements about foul balls and what not made between every inning, and there needs to be signs posted.  First off, genius, there ARE signs posted throughout the ball park.  Secondly, an announcement is made before the game, but if you need reminded that friggin’ often, then you have some serious ADD issues.

Then our dumb-ass admits that he’s never been to a Sliders game, nor does he have any intention to attend.  Well, then what the phuck are you bitching about?!  Shut up and stay home.  As I told him, last I checked- and judging from the amount of empty seats- attendance at Sliders games is NOT mandatory.  I wouldn’t want your whiny ass there anyway.

Dumb ass.

So much stupidity, so little time

Some news stories make no sense.

Whether the actual content itself or the uncertainty of why something is actually given enough credit to be called “news”, certain stories can really kind of baffle the mind. Some examples from the SJ-R:

• Chatham’s Starbucks to close Um… so? Maybe if they didn’t charge $5 for a cup of mediocre (at absolute best) coffee, Starbucks wouldn’t have to close, what was it, like 600 stores? Maybe, just maybe, people are finally waking up beginning to see that in today’s world, buying snooty uppity vastly overpriced coffee twice or more a day every day is an unnecessary extravagance. Maybe people are finally realizing it’s not much more than a status thing- somewhere along the way, somebody decided it was to be considered “cool” to have a Starbucks cup in your hand. Bottom line, be smart and go to the store of your choice (more to come on THAT) and buy a can of Folgers or Maxwell House or Eight O’Clock or Sam’s Choice or whatever brand you prefer and make it yourself at home. It costs a hell of a lot less, lasts a hell of a lot longer, and tastes a hell of a lot better- because you can make it as strong or as weak as YOU like it and with as much or as little accoutriments as you like, not how some marketing dumb-ass in some office in Seattle tells you you like it. Don’t be a sheep, folks. And besides, if they have 600 stores that they can close without completely going under as a company, that says to me that there just may be a few too many in the world anyway.
• Our opinion: Take care when choosing seats Okay, I can’t even fathom whether the SJ-R is being serious, satirical, or just stupid in writing this Op-Ed piece. Basically, it’s referencing the young lad hospitalized (and since released) after being hit in the head by a foul ball at Wrigley Field, and also a woman that was hit by a foul ball at a Sliders game. Folks, these (and all others like it) are extremely unfortunate events that do occasionally occur at ballgames. But as even the article points out, it states right on the back of most every ticket (other than Sliders tickets- just read mine from last night’s game) something along the lines of “purchaser assumes responsibility for danger of batted balls or thrown bats entering the seating area” or whatever it says. If you’re outraged by the fact that people can and do get hit by fast-moving projectiles, get over it. It’s nobody’s “fault” that people get hit by baseballs or thrown bats or shortstops/point guards diving after a ball or hockey pucks or whatever the case may be; that’s an implied risk of going to a game and especially of sitting so close to the playing surface. I’m not trying to “blame” the little boy’s dad or the woman’s family for choosing to sit where they sat; when things like that happen, it’s a freak occurrence. But don’t try to say that the batter, the team, the stadium proprietor, or anyone else is at fault, either. One well-intentioned yet completely misinformed commenter on the SJ-R message board opined that the Cubs organization should pay for the boy’s medical bills. WRONG! It’s called taking responsibility, folks. Look into it.
• Wal-Mart shoots for west-side opening in 2010 This subject has been debated {here, among other places} for a while now. Someone- let’s say, me- says they don’t like Wal-Mart and that they won’t shop there, and people get ALL sorts of fired up. “How dare you try and tell me where I should or shouldn’t shop?” Folks, I really don’t give two shits where YOU shop. If you want to shop at Wal-Mart, knock yourself out. Myself, I see through their little cloak of lies and hypocrisy and choose not to buy what they’re selling, figuratively AND literally. My standards aren’t real terribly high, but they’re high enough not to shop at Wal-Mart. My opinion is simply that we don’t need three Wal-Marts, whether “supercenter” or not, in this town. Those that like Wal-Mart say they want one closer to them. Well, who wouldn’t like the businesses they like just a stone’s throw away? So, because there are people in every neighborhood that like Wal-Mart, we should build one in every neighborhood? We’ve got way too many McDonalds, way too many Starbucks, way too many Walgreens and CVSes, etc. as it is. Yeah, sometimes it sucks having to drive halfway across town (or more) for your price rollbacks or your favorite pizza, über-expensive flavored “coffee”, burger, $4 prescription, sub sandwich, home improvement store, or whatever the case, but that’s simply the way life is sometimes. Get over it.
• Laugh Factory owner: Jackson should pay for N-word FINALLY, here’s a “news” item that makes an iota of sense. A couple years ago, Michael Richards (Seinfeld’s Kramer) apparently suffered some sort of meltdown on stage at this City of “Angels” comedy club and called a heckler that “special” N-word. Because Richards is white, people called for his head on a spear, and not necessarily wrongfully so. Yet the “Reverend” Jesse Jackson uses the N-word during a break on a television interview a couple days ago, in reference to Barack Obama, and virtually nobody bats an eye. Why? Because Jackson is black, and it’s “okay” for blacks to use it? Bullshit. And supposedly, according to an SJ-R commenter, “some black gal on ‘The View’” recently stated that “blacks can use the N-word but whites can’t”. If that indeed was actually said, then once again, bullshit. Racism is racism, hate is hate, the N-word is the N-word, regardless of from whom it comes. Either allow anyone and everyone to use the word, or hold anyone and everyone accountable for using it- either way you choose, do it regardless of ANY person’s race, 100% across the board. THEN you may talk to me about bigotry. And I stand by my long-standing belief that Jesse Jackson is one of the most racist, bigoted hate mongers out there in the world today.

This is but a mere sample of some of the crap that is in the paper and on TV that supposedly qualifies as “newsworthy”. I could go on, but that would just be further striking of a previously expired equine, wouldn’t it?

RELATED YET UNRELATED ADDENDUM: As always, although even more so than before, Illinois Times can kiss my gaggle-of-nerds-belonging ass.

Ban fireworks! Cancel Independence Day! My child needs sleep!

Once again, it’s time for my time-honored tradition of ripping apart one of the many writers of dumb-assed letters-to-the-SJR-editor. Today’s lucky winner is Mike Locke of Springfield. He bitch-eth thusly:

Fireworks not in harmony with festival

On Friday evening, from 7:30 to 9 p.m., I was in a battle of wills with my 15-month old daughter to get her to fall asleep. She was extremely tired but was fighting it just as hard. Finally, at 9 p.m., she had given up her fight and was laying numbly in my arms. I put her to bed and got started on some of the daily chores I had yet to finish up before going to bed myself.

I was sitting at the computer desk paying bills when at approximately 9:10 p.m. a war zone broke out in my backyard. I jumped up at the first explosion and ran to the back door to look out. As I stepped out onto the deck, I realized the explosions were fireworks being set off four blocks east of my house in Washington Park. The windows in my house were rattling and the house was shaking with each explosion.

I could not see a single firework in the sky, but I knew they were from the Carillon Festival, which was held at Washington Park this week, as I quickly remembered them from years past. Within minutes of the first three or four explosions, I felt my blood start to boil as I heard the screams of a 15-month old little girl. All I could do was pick her up and comfort her until the war was over about 25 minutes later.

The Springfield Police Department stated they had been receiving complaint calls from the moment the fireworks started going off.

I understand the Carillon Festival is an international event (I read that in the SJ-R last week) but I don’t understand taking an event which is supposed to be peaceful and soothing and ending the night with such ferocity. This has to be stopped!

Mike Locke
Springfield

How eloquent, yet utterly self-serving. First of all, Mr. Locke, the obvious: I have two kids, so I can relate. Hell, ALL parents have had troubles at some point getting their kids to fall asleep and/or stay asleep. But aren’t we being just the slightest bit overdramatic (”a war zone broke out in my backyard”)? Jeez, I thought I was the only one with a flair for making mountains out of molehills. Like I say, I know how frickin’ frustrating it can be trying to get an infant-slash-toddler to go to sleep (it doesn’t get any easier until they turn about 5, my friend), only to have them stirred awake, sometimes by the most incidental of things, and sometimes for the rest of the night. And I know how pissed I used to get when my kids were awakened by something by which they really didn’t “need” to be awakened (i.e. the fucksticks with the loud car stereos, for one example). But with all due respect, Mr. Locke- for God’s sake, stop being such a little bitch.

I will concede this much: I do find it a tad… I don’t know… odd, for lack of a better word, that they culminate a night of “peaceful and soothing” music with fireworks. Kind of like hockey players and teeth- the two terms just don’t really seem to belong together. But honestly, I don’t really care that they do it and, quite frankly, rather enjoy it. I’ll tell you this much: the Carillon Festival’s fireworks display is the best in town. (Yes, my dear readers that like to point shit like that out, that is solely my opinion.) The Johann family last went to the Carillon Festival two years ago, when my youngest was but one year old. The night we went just happened to be the night of the “ferocious” fireworks display afterward. My wee one sat with his hands over his ears the whole time [the fireworks were going off], but absolutely loved watching them. I gotta tell you, that particular fireworks display was THE best I have seen in this town or any other in many, many years. It was loud, it was “ferocious”, and it friggin’ rocked.

See, Mr. Locke, fireworks are supposed to be loud.

Actually, I wouldn’t have had any problem with this letter in the least- I would have passed it off as just another Grumpy Gary letter- were it not for that last line: “This has to be stopped!” Why, because YOU were inconvenienced? How typical. One person- or even a handful of people- out of thousands has a problem with something and takes it upon themselves to decide that that something needs to be eliminated. I shudder to think what you’ll want done to Gus Gordon the next time your child is awakened by thunder. Can’t speak for last Friday’s fireworks since I wasn’t there (though we did watch out the window the best we could with all the trees), but the year we went, there were at least hundreds of people that thoroughly enjoyed the “ferocious war zone”, as you called it. I guess their enjoyment means nothing to you. But then, why should it, right? As long as you get what YOU want, to hell with everyone else.

If you were brand new to Springfield, I could be willing to cut you a little slack. Heck, even if you were new to your “house in Washington Park”, I might even have a little bit of empathy for you, though probably not much. But since you said “I quickly remembered them from years past”, that means you knew about the Carillon Festival and you knew about the fireworks displays therein. Plus, you obviously at least receive the SJ-R (whether you actually read it or not is another story…), so you should have seen in the paper that the fireworks display would be occurring that night. I did…

Again, I can definitely relate when you say you had difficulty with your daughter getting to sleep and/or staying asleep. Honestly, though, I’d rather my kids were awakened by fireworks displays (or thunder or tornado sirens or F-16s or bad dreams or marching bands or just about anything) than by all the jackoffs who set off multiple entire bricks of firecrackers nightly from mid-May until what at least seems like about mid-August. You want to scream about eliminating something, how about eliminating those douchebags?! And the douchebags with the loud car stereos? And, just for good measure, how about eliminating the douchebag that should be residing in that big house on 4th Street but considers himself too good to live in a dump like Springfield? God knows his antics have kept me from sleeping well for the last nearly six years.

Bottom line is this: every parent’s child has been unceremoniously disturbed from the arms of Morpheus at some point, and every parent has endured countless sleepless nights trying to get their kids [back] to sleep. And as pissed off as it makes you, all you can do is try your hardest to get them back to sleep. Welcome to parenting, pal. Get over yourself.

Schnucks makes better donuts anyway

So, my darlings, have you seen or heard about THIS little friggin’ gem yet?!

Give me a mudderfuggin’ break. I mean, I guess I can’t really hold too much against Dunkin Donuts for caving so quickly, since they actually were being smart by doing preemptive damage control before it got out of hand- which it would have- but for the love of Chrysler, people.

But do add Michelle Malkin’s name to the ever-growing list of whack jobs. I know I already have.

Helmets and seat belts… again

Big topic on the message boards from yesterday’s paper was apparently motorcycles. Motorcycle operators say cars don’t watch out for them enough. Car drivers say motorcyclists drive like crap. That’s somewhat true but also a tad hypocritical coming from most drivers I’ve seen in Springfield. And then the whole debate of to helmet or not to helmet came up.

First of all, regarding helmets, they’re exactly like seatbelts. I think they absolutely SHOULD be worn- by everyone. It’s a no-brainer. However, I don’t believe that it’s up to da Gubment to tell us we HAVE to wear helmets and seatbelts. If we choose to take the risk by not wearing them, that’s our binniss. If a motorcycle driver winds up spreading grey matter all over the street because he was too macho (from the Spanish meaning “small penis”) to wear a helmet, how does that harm anyone else? Same with if someone chooses not to wear a seatbelt, and they wind up going through their windshield. (Heaven knows the herd needs thinned out a little anyway.) Obviously, children should be required to wear them until age 18. Hypocritical, maybe a tad, but they’re children, folks. We should protect our children, and children aren’t always the best at making proper choices. Come to think of it, neither are many adults, but that’s another issue. Children are required to sit in booster seats until they reach 8 years old, 80 lbs., and apparently, 4′9″ tall now. So since children “have” to sit in them, adults should have to sit in booster seats also? No. But that’s the logic of the “if children are required to wear seatbelts, adults should be too” argument. Hey, like I say, I think EVERYONE should wear seatbelts and helmets (motorcycle, bicycle, skateboard, snowboard, whatever). Hell, even Gov. Blowjobovich wears a Hair Helmet™ everywhere he goes. But if someone chooses not to wear them, I’m perfectly fine with that as well. They sure as hell don’t deserve a ticket for it. You can’t legislate stupidity. Subsequently, this whole thing of writing and passing bullshit laws to “save us from ourselves” is ridiculous.

Now as far as the operating of motorcycles on the road, I have to side with {most} motorcyclists on that one. Let me preface that by saying that motorcyclists COULD do a better job of making themselves more visible (brighter clothing, more reflective materials on their clothes and their bike, etc.), but the bottom line is that car drivers have got to be more alert for motorcyclists. Many motorcycle-vs-car accidents are caused by the driver of the car “not seeing” the motorcycle for whatever reason. Again, motorcyclists would do themselves a huge favor to ditch the whole dressed-in-all-black-leather-makes-you-a-bad-ass dress code and wear clothing that provides them greater chance of being seen, but car drivers simply have to be on the alert for motorcycles (and bicycles!) the same way they need to be on the alert for children and animals darting into the street in an instant or for other car drivers running stop signs and red lights. In other words, hang up, slow down, and pay attention to the world around you. (Hmmmm… that sounds vaguely familiar…)

However, there is some measure of blame that does need to go to motorcyclists, and it mainly goes to most of the limpdick crotch-rocket riders out there. I’m talking about the assholes that drive as fast as their bike will go simply because it goes that fast. I’m talking about the assholes that drive down the lane lines between two cars. I’m talking about the assholes that do wheelies and other “look at me, I’m stupid cool” tricks on Veterans Parkway- and any other street, for that matter. You boys need to find another way to display your impotence for all the world to see.

See?

So… SPD does chase wanted criminals into rich west-side whitey churches.

Told you so.

Churches are not safe-havens for wanted criminals, folks. You can’t go violating your parole on a weapons violation (in this douchebag’s case) and then go running from the police, duck into a church, and expect it to be some sort of punishment-free zone.

“You can’t arrest me, I’m touching base.”

Can’t pick and choose, folks. It doesn’t work that way. Although, I am somewhat happy this jagoff picked one of the rich west-side whitey churches to run into, so that will shut up the people who think last July’s Abundant Faith situation was all about race and what side of town and blah blah blah. I know, it probably won’t shut them up, but it should. But then, it never should have been about race in the first place.

It’s about catching criminals, people. If either of these fucksticks had taken hostages, or started shooting people in the church, there would have been complete and total uproar that SPD didn’t do enough to catch the bad guy. And regardless of what people want to believe, the guy last summer had weapons in his car. The guy yesterday had already been convicted of weapons.

Oh, yeah- and THEY RAN FROM THE POLICE.

There is only one reason people ever run from the police: THEY’RE GUILTY.

Stop making excuses and let the police do their jobs without having to answer to bullshit racism claims every time something happens.  You assbags want crime-free streets but expect police to be gentle and kind-hearted and soft on the bad guys.  Or does that only apply for the non-white bad guys?

Not My Fault, Volume XXVI

Big front page article in the paper this morning talking about how The People™ have spoken, bestowing upon the intersection of Hedley and White Oaks West the dubious distinction of Springfield’s Worst Intersection. It beat out such hopefuls as Lawrence and Chatham, Lawrence and MacArthur, and even Lawrence and Walnut. (Lesson One for driving in Springfield: stay off of Lawrence Ave., apparently.)

This came up somewhat last year when people went off the deep end bitching about how the MacArthur and the Walnut intersections at Lawrence Ave. need to be fixed because there have been so many accidents there.

Now, apparently, people feel that the intersection of Hedley and White Oaks West is even worse. I will concede that that intersection sucks, especially for those westbounders coming out of the White Oaks West shopping center parking lot. They, and the eastbounders trying to turn north, have virtually no shot of getting out, as almost nobody lets them out. Nor, however, is anyone required to.

Which leads me to the same result as last time:

Stay away from the damn intersection.

Folks, it is not the intersection’s fault it is where it is. It is not the intersection’s fault that the mean ol’ N<–>S drivers don’t let the poor oppressed W<–>E drivers out. It’s not the intersection’s fault people turn north onto WOW off of Wabash at about 45mph and then have to slam on their brakes to avoid butt-darting the guy trying to turn west onto Hedley because everyone has blocked everyone else from moving. It’s not the intersection’s fault, it’s not the City’s fault, it’s not the fault of the people that just bought the property on the northwest corner, the sale of which having apparently halted any chance of “fixing” the intersection. It’s not even Bush’s fault, strangely enough.

“Well, gosh, Johann, whose fault is it, then?”

I’ll tell you who, the same people whose fault all the accidents at apparently every intersection on Lawrence Ave. is: the drivers of Springfield.

*GASP and SWOON* “Ours?!”

That’s right, folks. Holy shit, folks, that intersection (Hedley/WOW) has been there for years, and has been unchanged for years. You all know it’s a shitty intersection. Stay away from it. There is absolutely nowhere in that area that anyone needs to be that they can’t get to a different way.

“But Johann, that would mean I’d have to drive two blocks out of the way!”

Yes, it would. Deal with it, asshole. Anyone going to Lowe’s, Circuit City, or the Sherwin Williams store at Koke Mill can turn in at the light there at Robbins Rd. Same with anyone going to the Thornton’s station once it opens back up this summer. People going to any of those little shops along WOW, or Break Time/Funny Bone, or County Market, Chili’s, Bone Spur, or anything else actually in the WOW shopping Center can go up Veterans to Iles and come back down that way. If you get stuck in the Hedley/WOW intersection, you have no right nor reason to complain.

It’s very simple, people. Take some damn responsibility. Stop looking to blame somebody else, anybody else, and/or everybody else for every little damn thing that happens to you. Sometimes, you simply bring it upon yourself. If you hate the intersection that badly, then AVOID IT. Yeah, you may have to drive an extra 1/8 of a mile, but T.S. Those are your choices. Either avoid the intersection or don’t bitch about how crappy it is once you’re caught in it.

Same with everyone ranting about the Lawrence/MacArthur and Lawrence/Walnut intersections (or any others). You know what the intersections are like and what potential dangers they present; either accept them or find a different route.

Or, now that I think about it, there is a third option: LEARN TO FRICKIN’ DRIVE. It’s called yielding the right-of-way, or just flat out yielding to someone else out of simple common courtesy, heaven forbid THAT happens. It’s called not blocking the intersection and subsequently blocking all other traffic from being able to move- in any direction. It’s called slowing down, especially in adverse conditions. It’s called obeying street signs and traffic signals. It’s called basically learning the damn rules of the road- they give away little pamphlets at all DMV locations; pick one up and actually read it. It’s especially called hanging up your goddamned cellphones, quit dicking around with your electronic device of choice or putting on makeup or shaving or reading fondling the mongrel/kitty snookems/road-head provider in your lap, whatever it is you do while driving, and pay some friggin’ attention to the world around you. Strangely enough, there actually are other people out there. By ceasing to be part of the problem, you have already taken a mammoth step toward becoming part of the solution.

Yes, some of the intersections in town are hazardous, or even dangerous. Some aren’t necessarily hazardous or dangerous near so much as just very poorly designed (Hedley/WOW; Lindbergh/Freedom Dr., etc.). But considering just how much the shitty drivers in this town contribute to these and all intersections being hazardous, dangerous, or simply irritating, I really don’t think you have the right to blame the City or landowners or everybody else- besides yourself, naturally, since it’s never YOUR fault- for the multitude of accidents, logjams, and bottlenecks that occur. They occur because of inattentive and just plain bad drivers. Again, several intersections in town DO need some serious work done; I recognize that. But until everyone in this town learns how to drive properly, I don’t care if you line the streets with mattresses and tires; drivers will still cause accidents. Drivers will always cause accidents.

In the mean time, or if you just flat out refuse to learn how to drive, then take a different route or shut up.  Oh, and get over the damn road rage.  You don’t have to pass out daisies at red lights, but good God, people, lighten the hell up.  Everyone out there has somewhere to go, someone to see, something to do, just as badly as you do.  You’re no more special than anyone else.

Short but not so sweet

A lot of those twinky little touchy-feely sappy bullshit email forwards that I, you, and all of us receive ad nauseum every day in our emailboxes (because women people think they’re just so goddamned sweet, and have it in their heads that everyone they know will too) talk about what it means to “be a friend” and all that kind of crap.

It’s got nothing to do with “sending this to 30 people within 37 seconds, including to the person that sent it to you (or they’ll know you’re not the friend they thought you were, blah blah blah)”, or the promise of eternal salvation, a check from Bill Gates, a gift card from Chili’s, or whatever else is promised in these fucking things, causing supposedly intelligent people to flood everyone else’s mailboxes with all these total bullshit emails that, while some of them are worthy of a read if you happen to be taking a shit at the moment, really don’t amount to anything more than just pretentious superficial fluff, 97% of which is total bullshit.

If you need these ridiculous emails to reaffirm that you have friends, or even if you just enjoy receiving them, then A, they’re not really your friends, 2, you need to find better friends, and D, you need some really serious therapy. It’s really very simple:

A friend knows about the good things in your life and likes you because of them, and knows about the bad things in your life and likes you in spite of them.

A real friend couldn’t give two shits about either.

Take a moment and think about what is really important to you and to the people in your life that truly matter to you. If you can’t figure it out, you’d better. Quickly.

You know who you are. Or at least you should.

Like you wouldn’t do it

Glancing at the SJ-R dot-com comment boards- always a source of humor and irritation- I see that people are still bitching about Tony Libri and the other guys on the Sanitary Board giving themselves pay raises. Senator Bomke even chimed in in this morning’s paper in the form of a Letter to the Editor. And for the record, Republican or Democrat, Sen. Bomke is one of the few decent public officials anywhere in the state. “Decent public official”… that’s a little like saying “whole half” or “virgin birth” or “sit up”. Or “honest lawyer”. But debating Sen. Bomke’s integrity or honor, or the whole liberal vs. conservative thing in general, is not what this particular bitchfest is about, so don’t start bashing Sen. Bomke here.

To all of you people out there screaming “OUTRAGE!” at the Sanitary Board and demanding they all be removed from office because they gave themselves raises, shut the hell up. Don’t sit there atop your little pedestals in your little ivory towers and even attempt to try to convince me or anyone else that, if you had the means by which to grant yourself pay increases, you wouldn’t do it. It’s human nature to want more money, especially when it’s at someone else’s expense. I’m not saying it’s “right” in the least, but that’s how people are. Dey want money, money (yeah, yeah), dey want money, money (yeah, yeah)…

My personal opinion is that it’s complete and total bullshit how legislators, and any other officials who can, can vote themselves pay increases when they are part-time employees that make ridiculous salaries already, but also are paid overtime as a reward for not getting their work accomplished (see the budget fiasco last summer), they receive full-time benefits and insurance (courtesy of John and Jill Taxpayer), plus they get per diems, cars (and airplanes, as is the case with Gov. Chicagovich) to take them to and from work (again, at our expense), they have innumerable secretaries, interns, pages, and assorted other lackeys to do 97% of their jobs for them, as well as get them coffee, lunch, hookers (and six-figure jobs for their wives to give themselves more time to spend with their hookers), free Hannah Montana tickets, blowjobs, and whatever else at the snap of a finger… need I go on? Oh, and then there’s that whole legislative immunity bullshit. But the thing is, they do all this for the same reason dogs lick their balls. Again, it’s human nature. Given the choice of a low-paying, dead-end job requiring long, hard, backbreaking, and/or thankless work and a six-figure part-time job with full benefits, company car (or plane), per diem, your own staff, infinite TV time, and countless other perks, and a write-your-own salary option, which would YOU choose?

The problem isn’t THAT they give themselves pay increases, but that they ARE ABLE to give themselves pay increases. Again, if you had the ability to do so, you would too, and you know you would. I’d like to be able to say I would do “the right thing” and be all virtuous and all, but chances are that I’d probably give myself an increase as well, if I could. Can’t really blame them for exercising an option they’ve been handed on a silver platter, especially one that everyone reading this would exercise as well, given the opportunity. Take that option away from them (not to mention lower their friggin’ salaries a few dozen thousand dollars) and maybe it’ll be a little different. (Probably not, but it’s better than where we’re at now.)

Funny how the higher people get paid, the less motivated they get to earn it. Out in the REAL world (i.e. anywhere you don’t have politics and unions to protect the slackers), work ethic like theirs would get rewarded by being shown the door. But as long as the crooked world of politics and unions exist, this kind of thing will continue to happen. Be outraged if you must, but don’t act surprised. And don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same, because you would. And, likely, so would I. Take the blank checks away and they can’t very well write the checks, now can they?

We need the ability to recall all of these douchebags that aren’t getting the job done. Governors, senators, representatives, judges, sheriffs, sanitary board members, I don’t care what it is. If we have the ability to elect them, we deserve the right to remove them if they aren’t doing their friggin’ jobs to our satisfaction. And it shouldn’t have to wait until their next election and having to just hope the voters of Illinois (or Springfield or whatever the case) are smart enough not to re-elect them. (Kind of like how all the idiots inexplicably re-elected Blowj Blagojevich in 2006 after the catastrophuck he created his first four years… hmmm, what’s THAT sound like?) If they can’t get the job done, get them out and find someone else who can.

Oh, and Springfield is still the capital of Illinois, folks. I Googled it.

Up in smoke

Ah, once again, the “intelligent” folks that post their views on the SJ-R.com message boards have shown what complete idiots they all are.

First of all, there is self-proclaimed know-it-all, nothing better to do with his time, frequent Letter to the Editor writer Frankford Milf or whatever his name is, showing what little brain matter he actually possesses by spouting off about what nerve Ron Paul has still being in the Presidential race when he (Dr. Paul) doesn’t believe in allowing women the “freedom to control her reproductive options”. When, exactly, did dismembering and murdering an unborn child become a “reproductive option”? Dumb ass. Not to mention the idiot that jumped to Milf’s defense by stating that “the term ‘unborn child’ is an oxymoron”. Nice. If that wo/man has kids, I’m sure they’d be thrilled to know that they were not considered a “child” until they were actually born. Gee, thanks, Mom & Dad!

Next, we’re but a week into the 2008 baseball season and the whole “the Cubs are better than the Cardinals/nuh-uuuuuuh” and “Cardinal fans are better than Cub fans/nuh-uuuuuuh” debates are already in full force, with both sides making themselves look like fools, as always. Note to idiot Cardinal fans: don’t get too cocky just yet; it’s the 6th game of the season. There’s still six months of baseball to be played. You’d all get downright pissy if the Cubs were 5-1 and the Cardinals were 3-3, and the Cub fans started a “we’re in first place, nanner nanner nanner” superiority dance like you’re doing. Remember, it doesn’t make a damned bit of difference who is in first place the first week in April, or even the first week of September; what matters is who is in first place the first week of October. Oh, and enjoy Pujols while he’s still got some elbow left- once it tears all the way, he’ll be done, unfortunately. Note to idiot Cub fans: every year you guys say the Cubs have what it takes to win it all. It’ll be 100 years this year; do you really think anything will be different? Truthfully?! All of you need to get over yourselves. Ain’t a one of you that has any control over (or, for that matter, any real stake in) who finishes higher than whom, and if it affects your life as much as you all make it look like it does, you really need some therapy. Badly.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m a Cardinals fan who’s just damn happy the Cardinals are not 1-5 or worse, like they really should be, considering they have a very shaky rotation that had one good week, and also a superstar who very possibly will blow his elbow the rest of the way and suffer a probably career-ending injury, cutting short what was likely to be a potentially Hall of Fame-worthy career. In other words, I’m a baseball fan with the proper perspective with regard to his favorite team.

However, the idiots I’m referring to this time are the idiots bitching over the “smoking ban” and its enforceability (or lack thereof).

Ah, hypocrisy is alive and well on WordPress

Being on WordPress allows you the “privilege” (?) of scanning some of the more popular WordPress blogs while tending to your own.

There appears to be this sudden glut of blogs with nice little stereotype-perpetuating ideologies; some are deemed “humorous” in nature, while some seem to be genuinely rife with hostility. I’m talking about the “Stuff _______ People Like” blogs.

Stuff White People Like appears to be the original, or at least the most popular and most frequently posted and commented upon.  I’ve also seen Stuff Black People Like, Stuff College People Like, Stuff Educated Black People Like, Stuff White Parents Like, etc.  (Note that I’m not providing links to any of them because none of them deserve the free plug.  I didn’t even want to mention their names, but not doing so would have really made this post rather vague.)

First of all, the Stuff White People Like blog is pretty ridiculous.  Of the nearly 100 things so far that they claim white people like, there have only been a handful that I myself am remotely interested in.  Therefore, it is a stereotype.  “Humorous” or “satirical” or not, it’s still a stereotype.  And then there’s the Stuff Black People Like and Stuff Educated Black People Like blogs, which, while written (presumably) by blacks, still perpetuate stereotypes.  The few entries I’ve seen on these blogs even have comments left by readers that go on to further incite the “Fuck Whitey” sentiment.  Go check them out- my particular favorite is the one that, on a post entitled “Hate Groups Know No Color” or something along that line, someone left the heartwarming comment, “Hate groups DO know a color and it is white”.

Ah, good-natured ribbing indeed. A couple bars of Kumbayah, anyone?

If people want to go on bashing their own race (or any other, for that matter), that’s fine and dandy.  Freedom of speech and all, even if you’re an idiot.  Hence why I am here.  But speaking of which, why, then, am I pummeled here with hate mail (okay, hate comments) when I do nothing more than poke fun at Wal-Mart shoppers or craft beer and foo-foo coffee drinkers?  It cracks me up how certain people think it’s up to them and they alone to pick and choose when racism, labels, generalizations, and stereotypes are okay and when they’re wrong.  Again, call it “humor” or “satire” all you want- it still breeds the very unrest between ethnic or other sociological groups that people say they are striving to eliminate.  You can’t very well be trying to eliminate racism and stereotypes if you’re feeding them, now can you?

Kind of like that special “N” word.  It’s considered wrong when white people use it, yet it’s perfectly okay for black people to call each other (and themselves) that word at will.  I’m not going to pretend to be above it- I have used the N-word before in my life.  It’s not something I’m proud of by any means, but at least I have the balls to fess up to it.  I don’t like the word and I do think it’s extremely hateful in nature.  But if it is, it is hateful regardless of the race (or the mood) of the speaker.  Don’t give me the lame “black people use it as a term of endearment– they say ‘nigga’, so it’s different” argument.  It’s NOT different, sunshine.  It’s either offensive or it isn’t.  To vilify white people that say the N-word but then not think twice when a black person says it is… wait for it… RACIST.  The word is either hateful and racist or it isn’t.  It doesn’t depend on who says it; either everyone needs to stop using it or else you can’t get bent out of shape when you hear it.  Bottom line, it’s just a word.  It only brings you down as far as you let it.  But if you’re that offended by that word, tell those that seem to use it most (even the inbred limpdick neo-Nazi dickheads pinheads skinheads, who actually are not even worth the effort) to stop using it.  Otherwise, just shut up.

Once again, it seems it is okay to be racist, as long as you’re not white.

Bunch of damn hypocrite bastards.

Now you know why IT is free

I’ve been out of town for a few days.

Apparently, Springfield’s very own tabloid (and by “tabloid” I mean a periodical that is essentially nothing more than a gossip magazine that never lets the facts get in the way of an article), Illinois Times, published a pissy little blurb about the city’s bloggers. I refuse to link to the article out of principle. Besides, I’m sure most all of you have read the article by now anyway. Seems the article called the bloggers middle-aged men who sit and type in their underpants (does anyone above the age of about six use the word “underpants”?!) and complain about what they wish their lives had become, or some bullshit like that.

Some local bloggers fought back with posts blasting the article and IT in general. I particularly enjoyed the comment saying that most bloggers have more readers than does the author of that article.

But here’s why I’m not too upset by it. A, I am a middle-aged man. However, some of SPI’s better blogs are written by less-than-middle-aged women (this one and this one are two of my personal favorites), so I can see how the generalization was met with disdain. Even though everyone knows all generalizations are true. Just as everyone knows that 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Reason #471 to hate eBay

Yeah, I don’t like eBay either, okay? Sue me.

Seems a couple of sisters from Virginia found a corn flake in their cereal bowl that approximately resembles a likeness of the state of Illinois and decided to sell it on eBay, the big internet ripoff auction site. Note the picture below; love the dime next to it for size comparison. Plus, they add that the corn flake “has not been retouched or altered in any way”. Like it really matters.

Last I heard, which was today on the noon newscast on 1450, some idiot hopeful bidder had bid close to $500.

$500.

Five HUNDRED dollars, folks. That’s five-zero-zero-POINT-zero-zero.

It’s a friggin’ piece of cereal. Not a case, not a box, not a bowlful- one single piece of cereal. Can’t really blame the sisters, other than being money-hungry enough to go through the trouble to try to sell a corn flake for money. Even so, there are, at last count, at least 46 people out there that are stupid enough to want to buy it.

Now I see the current high bid is $1,175.00. For one corn flake.

Holy crap, is there really any wonder why the entire world hates America?

I gotta go dig through the pantry- surely I’ve got a Frosted Flake in the shape of… something. I know I’ve got Cheerios- maybe I can sell them as doughnut seeds.