You might be from Springfield if…

Just got this from my mom via email. I thought it was good enough to share. My apologies to whomever sent this out since, given my being me, I can’t resist adding my two cents.

You know you’re from Springfield if:

1. Kerasotes is the only cinema chain you’ve ever heard of. (There are others?)

2. Putting a pro-Blagojevich sign in your yard is treated like treason. (Maybe not treason so much as just proving you’re a dumb ass.)

3. You KNOW we should have won the Simpsons hometown contest. (It’s not like there was an actual “prize”, but yeah, we should have.)

4. You thank God every day that Taco Bell came back. (Yeah, but the new one is in such a crappy location.)

5. The Cubs’ arch-enemies are the Cardinals, not the White Sox. (Well duh… the Cubs and White Sox have only been “enemies” for the last dozen years or so since they started that absolutely ridiculous interleague play crap.)

6. When someone mistakes Chicago for the capitol of IL, you want to punch them. (You have NO idea how bad that gets under my skin. That and the whole “is that anywhere near Chicago?” thing.)

7. You know exactly where to get a good horseshoe. (Folks, D’Arcy’s shoes are okay, but they are NOT the best in town by any stretch of the imagination.)

8. You know what a horseshoe is. (Not our fault other people are clueless.)

9. You know the difference between a tornado warning and a tornado watch. (Well, we SHOULD by know!)

10. You practice tornado drills in school and assume everyone else does. (Don’t they?)

11. ANY kind of accent makes you laugh, except Chicago accents. Those just annoy the crap out of you. (Very true, but they are also very easy to imitate and {deservedly} ridicule.)

12. You know and have been to the greatest sledding spot in Springfield: Pasfield Golf Course, baby! (You can’t say you’ve been “sledding” until you’ve broken something trying to keep from mowing down a four-year-old on Pasfield.)

13. You know better than to get too attached to any stores in the mall since they change locations more often than you change your underpants. (Folks, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s but a matter of time before White Oaks suffers the same fate as the Venture/K-Mart on MacArthur.)

14. Seeing Guess Gordon or Jerry Lambert in person warrants a phone call to all your friends going, ‘You’ll never guess who I just saw!!’ (Um, actually, for me it’s Elizabeth Wooley and Ashley Glass. They are YUMMY!!)

15. You went sight-seeing on the west side after the March 2006 tornadoes. (Yeah, there were certainly enough of you yay-hoos over here… staring instead of helping SOMEwhere. Next time, how about actually pitching in instead of just gawking?!)

16. Your school wouldn’t close even if there was a good 2 feet of snow on the roads, and on the bus ride there, the driver goes about 60 mph whether the roads are plowed or not, but now it only takes a predicted 2 inches. (Boy, THAT ain’t no lie. Back in MY day…)

17. Every grade school field trip was to a Lincoln site of some sort. (Ugh- don’t get me started.)

18. When you visit another town’s library, you ask where all the homeless people are. COMMENT DELETED

19. When you go out of town and see a Lincoln memorial, you say “He’s EVERYWHERE…” (Now THAT’S funny. But other than Washington, D.C., ARE there any other Lincoln Memorials?)

20. Your prom, senior and wedding pictures were taken in Washington Park. (That must be a generational thing. I didn’t go to prom, but my senior pictures were taken in the SSHS mobile unit where they taught driver’s ed in those days- I kid you not- and my wedding pictures were taken at the church. Is Washington Park the “in” place now?)

21. When someone from out of town asks what bus to take, you laugh in their face while saying, “Well first you’ll have to wait 2 hours for it to come by”. (Can’t say I’ve ever done that, but okay.)

22. Kreckels!! (The ONLY place to go when you need a big-ass-greasy-cheeseburger-and-krinkle-cut-fries-fix.)

23. You laugh a little when you see those 2 giant bolts on the Lauterbach Tire man’s neck. After all…he was headless for a bit. (I’ve never looked at that statue that closely before. I don’t really drive Wabash east of Chatham Road much. Guess I’ll need to check it out now.)

24. You miss the old Barrel Head even though the new one is so much nicer. (Can’t speak on this- I haven’t been to the new one yet.)

25.Your power plant almost blew up twice in one month. (That’s just a tad of an exaggeration, folks.)

26.You have kept track of the whereabouts of the “Pink Elephant”. Never has a martini looked so good… (Can’t say I’ve “kept track” of its whereabouts, but yeah, I do kinda smile when I do see it.)

27.The fact that the only Wendy’s in town is WAY north or WAY south ruins your lunch plans. (Amen. Wendy’s rocks.)

How ’bout them Sliders!!!

CICL 2008 Champions

The Springfield Sliders won the 2008 Central Illinois Collegiate League championship last night by beating the Danville Dans (whatever a “dan” is) 5-2. How friggin’ cool is THAT?! The first year and they bring home the championship.

Between putting out great baseball every night and having numerous promotions and giveaways every night, the Sliders did a terrific job this year. From what I’ve read, they’ve pulled in attendance numbers that rivaled those of the AAA Springfield Cardinals of the late 70s-early 80s. Hopefully the Sliders will continue to “keep it fresh” and the 1700 people a night that come to see the Sliders will tell a friend or two. I’d love to see them start selling out the place- and they could. If they start regularly having to turn people away because the joint is packed to the gills, that’d be awesome…

Maybe if there were a nice big new stadium downtown… hmmmm…

Back in the swing

Taking an unplanned hiatus for a couple weeks has really kind of gotten my snarkiness level dangerously high.  Even for me.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

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First of all, a huge thank you to John and Micah for trying (ref. the State Fair parade).  And I mean that sincerely.  Somehow, though, your hard work translated into blank screens on Access-4.  Personally, I’m blaming Comcast.  They’ve been pretty worthless thus far; it stands to pretty decent reasoning {to me, anyway} that they were the SNAFU.  The FUBAR, if you will.  But at any rate, people DO appreciate the legwork, guys.  Thanks.

Next, let’s see… Hot Rod Blowjo Blagojevich is still doing all he can to cripple the parts of Illinois NOT called Chicago.  Still moving IDOT jobs out of Springfield.  Still threatening to close prisons, making an already bad situation even worse.  Still a friggin’ assbag.  Oh yeah- still no-showing the State Fair parade, for at least the second year in a row, like a little puss (”I was ‘busy’”, he says… riiiigggghhhht), yet suddenly being free enough to drag his family to the ribbon-cutting photo op the next morning.  The very same situation in which he and Mrs. Blowj Blagojevich blasted reporters and photographers last year for following them around “too closely” and “upsetting” his daughter.  Your Governor, ladies and gentlemen.  Your capital city hatin’est, people not from Chicago-(or in his pockets)-screwin’est, do as I say-not as I doin’est, business as usual-est piece of shit Governor.  We’ve still got two years of this jagoff (since lawmakers are too chicken to give voters the recall), so in 2010, vote Blowjo Blagojevich the hell OUT.  Damn near ANYONE can do better.  Hell, if it’ll get him out of office, I’LL run.  Heaven knows I wouldn’t get re-elected, but I’d make my presence known.

What else… oh, something surprisingly decent to come from Blowjo Blagojevich’s office (not that he’s ever actually IN it)– the cameras for taking pictures of speeders.  This is a fantastic idea.  You know who opposes it?  Speeders- go figure.  Slow down and you won’t have to worry about it, dumb ass.  But if the money collected from the tickets is supposed to go towards getting gangs off the fine streets of the state of Chicago, then let the state of Chicago pay for it.  I’m tired of being forced to write checks to Chicago all the friggin’ time.

Getting back to the Fair- everyone has been ripping the grandstand lineup all summer.  Personally, I think it’s one of the better lineups in YEARS.  It’s not completely chock full of mediocre country acts this time, it’s got people I’ve actually heard of- even of the people I probably wouldn’t go see, it’s because I don’t want to, not because I have no clue whom they even are.  Speaking as someone who has ripped grandstand lineups in the past (and for good reason), I have to applaud them this time.  And speaking as someone that gets told the same sort of thing a lot, give Huey Lewis and Weird Al and ZZ Top et al a chance.  You might accidentally like them.  Most 80s music- even really bad 80s music, and that’s largely redundant- is 1000% better than most of the crap that makes the radio nowadays anyway.

Aladdin’s Castle, a fixture at White Oaks Mall since its opening in 1977, has closed.  They’re citing the boom in home gaming systems as the main reason.  Sure, there’s that, but what about the fact that, at least since they’ve been located in the food court, all their games SUCK?  That notwithstanding, what of the delinquent kids whose parents can’t afford X-Boxes and PS-3’s and Wiis?  Where will they hang out now?  Will they actually have to learn to read?  Oh, the humanity.  And mark my words- it’s but a matter of time before White Oaks suffers the same fate as the K-Mart/Venture on MacArthur.

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Wow.  That felt good.

Dumb-ass of the Day

Okay, today’s dumb-ass of the day is SJ-R.com commenter Bob Judd of Chatham.  Don’t blame me; he chose to use {what I assume is} his real name.

This article, thankfully brought to my attention by Mr. Cacciatore as I somehow missed it in the actual paper, is an op-ed piece by the woman who was hit by a foul ball at a recent Sliders game.  I’m not even going to get into picking the article apart, which it at least somewhat deserves to be.  No, this is about the little mini-debate Mr. Judd and I conducted in the comments after the article.

Nutshell version:  he feels that there needs to be announcements about foul balls and what not made between every inning, and there needs to be signs posted.  First off, genius, there ARE signs posted throughout the ball park.  Secondly, an announcement is made before the game, but if you need reminded that friggin’ often, then you have some serious ADD issues.

Then our dumb-ass admits that he’s never been to a Sliders game, nor does he have any intention to attend.  Well, then what the phuck are you bitching about?!  Shut up and stay home.  As I told him, last I checked- and judging from the amount of empty seats- attendance at Sliders games is NOT mandatory.  I wouldn’t want your whiny ass there anyway.

Dumb ass.

Shameless plug

Do yourselves a favor and read today’s SJ-R (or click here) to read yet another brilliant article by Dan over at BFS.

I agree 100% with you. Excellent article, as always.

Participation wasn’t what I had hoped

Last night was the unofficial Springfield Bloggers Night at the Sliders game, as you all know from my having written about nothing besides that for two and a half weeks. Shoo did a terrific job of plugging the event, and seemed to be getting a few more people than had originally said here that they would come.

So… what happened?!

Last thing I remember reading was that we were all going to meet inside the gate on the visitors’ side, roughly 15-20 minutes prior to game time. Now, since Nick from Unpainted Huffhines is the only one of any of you that I’ve actually met, I was looking for him. Well, I didn’t see him, and didn’t see him, and it’s getting closer and closer to game time, so I decided we’ll just go grab some seats on the first base side- where I thought we were all going to sit- and see if I could find him there.

No sign of Nick.

Finally, as I’m making a napkin run to work on cleaning up L’il Johann’s Popsicle spill, I see Nick. So I figure I’ll go get the napkins and then come back and find him and we’ll join the throngs of people that showed up, right? Wrong. I come back up the stairs and Nick is nowhere to be found now. So I go back to our seats up the first base line, and long story short, right after the Anthem was over, Nick comes walking up. Success, right? Now we can join all the others, right?

Nope.

Nick was just as baffled as I was. He said he had briefly spotted Dan and Shoo, but really couldn’t find anyone else. So Nick sat with Mrs. Johann, L.J., and me and we watched some good baseball. Shortly into the game, Nick spots Dan and calls him over and introduces us. Shortly after that, here comes Shoo- who is now bigger in Springfield than Gus Gordon- and I finally meet him. So we all pretty much sat there and took in the game and chatted and had a pretty good time. Eventually, Dan’s wife and kids came by to sit with us, and frequent commenter extraordinaire Nancy came by and introduced herself. Mrs. Shoo eventually wandered over as well.

In hindsight, maybe if we are to attempt this again, perhaps we should just meet outside by having someone stand there with a ‘SPFLD Bloggers’ sign and we can congregate there and then all go in together. To any bloggers/commenters that were there but sat alone because you weren’t able to find anyone, I apologize. Poor planning, poor execution, I don’t know- something kinda caved in in the process. But if people {that said they’d come} just didn’t show up, then I have to ask:

WASSUP WIDDAT?!

Now I realize things come up- trust me, until about 3:30, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it myself. I just figured there’d be more than what there was. I don’t know, maybe it just seemed like a greater response than what it was. Oh well. Anyhooze, it was a great game (Sliders win 5-4 in 11 innings after a botched throw on what should have been the third out) and the family and I had a good time. Not sure if anyone else did… I wouldn’t be against doing another night, but we’d definitely have some things to work out.

So let me just say- Nick, as always, it was great to see you; and to Nancy, the Shoo’s, and the Dan at BFS’s, it was great to finally meet all of you. Oh, and Dan, I am still not really getting that whole Steve Buscemi thing. I thought that Tammy, on the other hand, could be Mariska Hargitay’s twin sister. Just my opinion. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, I had a good time, had some good conversation with good people, and got to see some good baseball. Hopefully we can possibly do it again, or have some other similar (or maybe not so similar) social gathering of some sort. Since we’re all in the Springfield Bloggers “community”, why not get to know each other?

(RANDOM TANGENT ALERT) What was the deal with the kid in the front row, straight down from where we were, and his hair?! He had some sort of Mohawk-meets-mullet thing going on– sort of a mull-hawk, I guess– yet had some pretty narly Flock of Seagulls-esque bangs action happening as well. Like Nick said, it was like 3 really, really bad 25-year-old hairstyles were all trying to fight it out for scalp supremacy. I don’t know if this kid lost a bet, or if his parents are punishing him for something, or what, but it was pretty scary.

Tonight’s the night

We’ve finally reached the day for Springfield Bloggers Night at the Sliders game!!

Looks like Shoo’s been trying to drum up some more attendees, and seems to be having some success!

As I mentioned at Shoo’s blog, there is still a small possibility that my seven-year-old’s baseball tournament may spontaneously continue this afternoon.  His team is playing in the consolation game, but the game that decides who he plays and who plays for the championship still has yet to be played because of all the rain we’ve had the last couple days.  At least I don’t think it’s been played yet…

More than likely, if they get any games in today, they’ll likely play Friday’s game today, and then try to have the consolation and championship games in the evening this coming week.  But then, they may call this afternoon saying the game is at 5:00 today or something…

At any rate, I should be there tonight.  To Dan at BFS, whom I owe a beer at the game, let me just say that if I do have to miss the Sliders game, I hope to work something out to still be able to buy you that beer.  But I should be there.

Unless, of course, I can’t make it.  *Cough*

Like I said on Shoo’s blog, I’m full well aware of what an idiot I will look like for “insisting” we do this and then not showing up, so I’m really counting on being able to go.

Ooooooh. Aaaaaah. ZZZZZZZZZZ.

In case anyone missed it, yesterday was Independence Day. Happy 232nd Birthday, America!

Mrs. Johann, the little Johanns, and I decided to go downtown for the Capitol fireworks last night. I don’t mean to sound… I dunno… cynical (really, I don’t “mean” to; it’s just my nature), but the picture below pretty accurately captures the excitement of the fireworks display:

This year, the City decided to go with “close proximity” fireworks, which are designed to burst closer to the ground (hence, the name) and are said to somehow be safer, ironically. That meant that our usually prime spot on the Statehouse lawn pretty well sucked, due to the many trees in said lawn. I’m sure that there were some decent views from the lawn, but for us, most of the display was obscured by this one tree from which we were still a pretty good distance away. I’m guessing the people on the Courthouse lawn, and those actually sitting on Capitol Avenue at 2nd Street, had the best viewing opportunity this year.

Now obviously, the fact that we were mostly blocked by a tree was not the fault of the City, or the shooters, or anyone else. I wholeheartedly take the blame for that- I picked the spot, of all the places on the Capitol lawn that were unclaimed when we arrived around 8:15 or so. I guess I just figured that, even for “close proximity” fireworks, they’d still have gone higher than what they did. Live and learn.

The only thing was that, even if we would have had an unhindered view, the fireworks were pretty stinkin’ lame, to use my 7-year-old’s description. They simply lacked any… ooomph. Pizzazz. Moxie. Balls.

First of all, the bursts weren’t very large. I’m guessing that that was because of the whole “close proximity” thing- if they’re going to explode closer to the ground, then I guess it stands to reason that they won’t be as big, thereby reducing the amount of smoldering embers potentially falling back to Da Urf. But even so, the smaller bursts just didn’t have the flair of your “typical” fireworks burst. (Especially since we couldn’t see many of them…)

Secondly, and even more noticeably, they just weren’t very loud. Fireworks are supposed to be LOUD. (Remember this?) They’re supposed to hurt your ears. It’s supposed to feel like you’ve been kicked in your chest when they explode. Your ears should ring for two hours when they’re done. Even the M-80’s, or whatever you call the ones that make the single quick round flash and then go boom really loudly, didn’t. Hell, even the finale wasn’t very loud, nor were the other two clusters of a bunch that went off at one time. Don’t tell my youngest that, though. He had my noise-reducing headphones on and still was freaked out. Honestly, though, more than the “volume” of the fireworks, I think it was mainly just because it was so late and he had hit his “wall”, at which point he gets so tired and cranky that even a visit from Lightning McQueen, Buzz & Woody, or the Little Einsteins themselves wouldn’t make him happy.

Again, I don’t mean to be so negative, but the Johanns weren’t the only ones that left disappointed. I heard similar grumblings from several groups of people. Don’t get me wrong- I realize that admission is free, seating is pretty much first-come, first-served and “caveat emptor” (odd, considering admission is free, huh?), and what not, but I really hope, for the sake of the future success of the Capitol Celebration, that the City decides to go back to the higher altitude, in-your-face, testicularly fortified fireworks. If not, we’ll probably wind up going to Knight’s next year for their fireworks. At least you can hear them.

Pretty damn good time for $13

Last night the eldest l’il Johann and I went to the Springfield Sliders game.

I know I’ve posted before about going out and supporting the team, but you’re going to sit through it again.

Folks, just suck it up and go. I decided I’d “splurge” and get tickets in the diamond boxes, which come complete with wait staff (”wait staff” = a seventeen-year-old chickie who takes your order and then goes and gets your snacks and beverages- beer included, strangely enough- for you so you don’t have to). That set me back all of $6.50 each. We sat in the second row, just to the left of home plate. Folks, for seats like that at Busch or Wrigley, you’ll likely be dropping minimum $75 per. (I don’t know how much a field level box costs at either stadium, but I’m guessing it’s a tad more than $6.50.) Plus, you don’t have to burn nearly as much gas to get there. Oh, and don’t give me the shit about the “quality” of the game. Yes- Pujols, Soriano, and their cronies are quite a bit “better” than a bunch of juco college kids. But then again, these kids also haven’t yet been turned into little bitch primadonnas by the ridiculous bullshit contracts, either. In other words, they still play because they enjoy it. And it’s simply a relaxed, very enjoyable way to spend an evening with the family.

The Sliders wound up losing the game 9-3 (ouch), but it was still a good game and a lot of fun for me and my seven-year-old. They had all these little activities throughout most of the game. First of all, it was Hat Night, since the first cap giveaway night got rained out, so we got Sliders caps. Kinda cool, since they’ll likely become collector’s items, due to not enough local support (assholes…). Anyway, they did all sorts of things from human tug-of-war to air guitar contests to closest chip to the pin to throwing newspapers with your “other hand”, all for Cardinals tickets. Some of them were kind of comical. The air guitar contestants all pretty much sucked. I could have kicked all their asses- especially considering the musical selections they used (standard 80s cock rock: AC/DC, Def Leppard, Billy Squier). For the closest chip to the pin thing, they had a couple (a guy and his girlfriend) at the left field foul line try to chip-shot it to Speedy out in the outfield. The guy stepped up and duffed it big time, and then the girl knocked it way the hell into right-center. They had kids dressed up as a hot dog, a bottle of mustard, and a bottle of ketchup, and they raced from the bullpen to home plate, a la the Sausage Races they have at Miller Park in Milwaukee.

Then, apparently for each game they (whoever “they” is) pick a player on the opposing team and designate him as the Roly Poly K-Man, meaning that if this guy strikes out, then they hand out coupons for Roly Poly sand-a-wiches. (Note the words “hand out”…) So this guy, Justin Wilson, I think was his name, sac-bunts his first time up, then I think grounds out and then gets a hit after that. Finally in the seventh inning, dude strikes out and the place goes nuts. Then we discover that “hand out” means they run through the main aisle between the levels and just throw the coupons in the air, leaving the fans to run after them and scavenge and fight over them like all the little white trash bastard children that go after candy at the State Fair parades. L’il Johann was pissed. He kept saying “I’m serious- I am NOT leaving until I get a Roly Poly coupon!” It was cracking me up. The guy came up again in the 9th inning and the roughly 60 of us that were left in the stadium at that time were dogging him BAD. Even L’il Johann was yelling “I want my saaaandwich, Juuuuustiiiiiiiin”. Then, a chant started of “ROLY…. POLY…” which rather reminded me of that timeless water sport Marco Polo. I’ll be damned if dude didn’t strike out again. The place goes nuts again. So here comes another guy with a fistful of Roly Poly coupons, and since there was hardly anyone left, I let L’il Johann try to get a coupon. Well, he came back without one, and was even more pissed than he was before. Finally, a kid sitting across the aisle from us obviously had heard {enough of} his lamenting over this friggin’ coupon, and he gave us one, saying he had two. So whoever that was out there, thanks.

It was fun. As I’ve said before, not exactly the hi-tech full-on multimedia gang-bang assault on all senses that a game at Busch is, but then I actually have money left afterwards. I did enjoy the 6 seconds of most of the songs they played pretty much between every pitch. It kinda became like Name That Tune, trying to guess what the song was from a tiny little snippet. And then there were the three Like Totally Bitchin’ Girly Girls that were sitting behind us until the 7th “quarter” (yes, one of them said “quarter”, even when the other two kept correcting her). At one point the loudspeakers started rocking the opening bars of “Jump” by Van Halen, to which the following conversation unfolded:

Like Totally Bitchin’ Girly Girl #1: This song sounds all futuristic and stuff.

LTBGG #2: Um, NO, this song is, like, SO oldies. Like, my grandpa used to listen to it in school or something.

It was all I could do not to go all dickhead on them. It was bad enough we had to listen to “ohmigod, he is SO hot!!!” for seven quarters, but then to get BURNed by three little dingbats like that was just wrong. But I probably shouldn’t say anything too disparaging about them- they did apparently think enough of me to ask me to watch their purses (WTF?!) while they went to the car and got their blankets. (I know, I thought it was a pretty bizarre thing to ask a total stranger at a baseball game as well.) I imagine I reminded LTBGG #2 of her grandpa.

Bitch.

Anyway, to sum it up, it was a lot of fun for very little money. We’re definitely going again. And I hope as many of you that are reading this will not only go yourselves, but also take people with you, so that the Sliders can hopefully stick around a while.

Maybe we can still work out something for a Springfield Bloggers night at the ball park!!!

Great Britt-in’

It absolutely cracks me up how often people “walk right in to it” and don’t even know it.

People absolutely have the right to complain. Even those that don’t know how to conduct an argument (i.e., discussion) have the right to complain; as Exhibit A, I give you the commenters on the SJ-R.com message boards. It’s not the complaining that gets me, it’s the complete absence of intelligence in the complaining that gets to me. But there’s one certain complaint that really gets to me, and it occurs virtually every single day.

I’m talking about the people routinely bitching about and calling for the firing of the SJ-R’s top-notch editorial cartoonist, Chris Britt.

I’ve met Chris Britt on several occasions- which is to say I’ve played softball with him in the past- and I’ve seen him several times “out and about” in town. He’s a nice guy. Always seemed kind of quiet to me, but then, how well can you really get to know someone playing a dozen or so games of softball together? The point is that he has somehow garnered this “anti-fan” base of SJ-R readers calling for his head every time a new cartoon prints in the paper, and it is completely unjust.

Like I say, people are well within their rights to disagree with his cartoons and political views, and to complain about same. But holy shnikeys- some people want him fired, they act like they want his head on a steek, and the funniest- and yet, saddest- part about it all is that he’s got them all right where he wants them.

Let me tell you a little secret, Britt-Bashers out there: it’s his job to provoke thought, to incite debate, and to basically draw people’s attention to things going on in the city, state, country, and the world, through his cartoons. In a way, it’s his job to piss people off. And he’s good at it. Look, I admit I don’t often agree with his views and cartoons- hell, sometimes I don’t understand his views and cartoons- but the fact of the matter is that most all of his cartoons are simply brilliant. You don’t have to agree with them to be able to see that. Well, okay, you shouldn’t have to agree with them to be able to see that. You do have to have an open mind, however.

That’s okay, I’ll wait for that to sink in…

This one I loved because it was so far-fetched yet probably not all that far from the truth. Sure enough, people were bitching and whining about it. Today’s cartoon has drawn particularly hateful ire already. “How DARE he say anything disparaging about firefighters?!!” Brilliant. This one was one of my recent favorites.

Don’t you get it, people? By getting your knickers so twisted over his cartoons and writing in bitching about them-slash-him, you’re validating his work, not demonizing it. And you yay-hoos calling for him to be fired… would the SJ-R really fire a person that causes that much discussion? Hell no, they’re not going to fire him, nor should they. He’s doing exactly what they pay him to do, and he does it extremely well.

Like I say, I don’t often agree with his cartoons. Matter of fact, there have been some that I thought were at least moderately “over the line”, or in “bad taste”, or whatever. But again, just because I might have felt they were out of line doesn’t necessarily mean they were, and it certainly doesn’t mean he should be fired for it. But I commend him for being that good as to cause such a reaction. Probably the worst thing for him would be no reaction.

Mr. Britt, I acknowledge that you neither asked for nor need my defense, support, or endorsement. I just want you to know that there is someone out there that, while he may not always agree with some of your views, fully understands- AND appreciates- how damned good you are at what you do. Keep up the good work.

And to all you Britt-Bashers, go ahead and keep bitching about his work. Just don’t get mad when I let you know how ignorant you make yourselves look. Because you do. And remember this: maybe it’s not Britt’s cartoons. Maybe it’s just that you can’t handle the truth sometimes.

There are certainly worse places

John and Micah over at Just Two Guys have a poll going on for a project they are doing. I’m going to follow several other bloggers’ leads and publicly air my responses.

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Many people say there is nothing to do in Springfield. Do you agree with this statement? Please explain your answer.

There is but there isn’t. Obviously, there are all the Lincoln sites, but like many Springfield residents, after going to countless field trips in school and with the family to the Old Capitol, New Salem, the Tomb, the Law Office, etc., I got my fill of our sixteenth President rather early in life. I may be the last remaining Springfield resident who still has not gone to the ALPLM yet, but it is on my list. Outside of Lincoln locations, there are still plenty of things to do in Springfield. You just have to look for them, and you have to be willing to try certain things that may not immediately be one’s “cup of tea”. Part of the problem is that many are only annual events, so once they’re over for the year it makes the “nothing to do” quotient seem greater than what it is. I really think the bigger problem is Springfield’s size. Especially as it relates to things like acts drawn to the PCCC and to the state fair, people need to realize that even though we are a {capital} city of 112,000+ people, we’re still a little too small to realistically compete with the Chicagos, St. Louises, and Indianapolises (among others) out there. The big, BIG-time acts that people seem to want simply aren’t going to come here when they can sell out 25,000-seat stadiums in bigger cities.

We have places to go and things to do here; it’s simply unrealistic to expect Springfield to be as entertainment-diverse as somewhere like Chicago. Some of the best things to do in Springfield are virtually unknown to most of its population, and much of what is known isn’t given its due. One thing I’d really like to see is more parity in the support for any and all local bands, for example, instead of the trend of jumping on one or maybe two bandwagons (pardon the pun) and them getting ALL the exposure and publicity at the expense of all other bands, a trend that’s gone on at least since I was in high school 25 years ago. I’m not faulting the bands, but more the radio stations that shut out everyone else besides the band(s) they deem “hot” at the time. There have been countless bands over the years every bit as good as if not better than Sons of Circumstance (or was it “Suns”- I never really knew for sure since I’d seen it both ways on marquees and ads), the Cherry Stoners, Mr. Opporknockity, and F5, for example, but nobody knows (or knew) about them. Again, I’m not calling out the bands themselves, but more the WDBRs et al in town that all but ignore all the other good but anonymous bands that try to entertain Springfield. Plus, on a sour grapes note, when I played in and/or was associated with the bands in which I played and/or with which I was associated, we would have been thrilled to receive even just a little bit of props on the radio stations.

At any rate, I think Springfield’s population needs to broaden its horizons but keep perspective on them at the same time.

A common complaint about Springfield is that there is a serious lack of shopping. Do you agree or disagree? Again, please offer an explanation to support your answer.

I don’t like shopping. No, I think it’s safe to say I despise shopping with the fury of a thousand demons. Even so, if I need something, I’m almost always able to find a store in Springfield that sells it, so I guess I’m not really the person to ask on this. I will say, however, that we can do without three (or even two) Wal-Marts. Personal opinions of Wal-Mart aside, Springfield would be fine with one. I wouldn’t mind seeing Springfield getting one of these Whole Foods stores I keep hearing so much about.  As for non-Wal-Mart places, I think Springfield is trying, but many places just don’t get enough exposure, and that’s why they tend to falter. Also, I think White Oaks is not far from life support. Stores come and go at White Oaks anymore like a sailor on leave at a whorehouse. Pardon the analogy. White Oaks needs really serious help.  Bottom line, for MY needs, I’d say Springfield’s shopping is, for the most part, adequate.

Is Springfield headed in the right direction? (Yes or No)

It depends on what you mean by “in the right direction”. What criteria are you using- shopping and “things to do”, or just in general?

In your opinion, has Springfield gotten better in the last 10-20 years or has it gotten worse? Please explain your answer with some examples.

Again, it depends on the criteria you’re meaning to use for the question. Regardless of the criteria, and just in a general sense, I think the best way I can answer both this and the previous question is to say that Springfield has taken several steps forward and several steps backward at the same time. It’s like we’re trying, but we just keep spinning the wheels.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Why?

I’m 40 years old. I’ve lived in Springfield all but the first approximately year and a half of my life and the two-plus years I spent in Indiana during what I call my practice marriage, and while I have been known to dog Springfield on occasion, I really like this town. Sure, certain aspects of it piss me off from time to time, but I really like this town. There are cities and places I’ve enjoyed far more than Springfield (St. Louis, San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Indianapolis, to name four), but off the top of my melon, I can’t think of any city or town in which I’d want to actually live than Springfield. I haven’t found one yet- let’s put it that way.

Why do you choose to live in Springfield? Give as many examples as necessary.

My family lives here. My wife’s family lives here. I like it here, even though, as mentioned above, certain things that go on here piss me off on occasion. And to be fair, there is the familiarity aspect as well as the fact that I hate the whole moving process, especially out of city or state.  But at this time, anyway, I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather live.

How would you describe the people of Springfield? Please use as many adjectives as possible.

Wow. It’s hard to find even one adjective that fairly paints ALL the people of Springfield. Therefore, I’ll have to use all the adjectives I can think of that apply, even though none of them describes everyone.

Warm. Cold. Uptight. Loose. Progressive. Repressed. Discriminatory. Reverse-discriminatory. Friendly. Unfriendly. Open-minded. Closed-minded. Selfless. Selfish. Shallow. Unpleasable. Proud.  Aloof.

And, possibly most prevalantly, bad drivers.  Not an adjective, I know, but I had to add that.

What is your opinion of the job situation in Springfield?

The job situation is what people choose to make of it. There are jobs out there, it’s just that people don’t want most of them. The situation with the State (and with the City, to a lesser extent) really almost can’t be included simply because of all the politics involved, especially at the state level.  It’s like comparing apples to rutabagas.  A lot of people seem to want jobs but they expect to make major, MAJOR jack, even those without degrees.  You have to start somewhere, folks.  Dream big, but don’t lose touch with reality.

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Anyway, John and Micah, I’m not sure if that’s what you were looking for, but I hope it helps with your project.  Thanks for listening reading.

See?

So… SPD does chase wanted criminals into rich west-side whitey churches.

Told you so.

Churches are not safe-havens for wanted criminals, folks. You can’t go violating your parole on a weapons violation (in this douchebag’s case) and then go running from the police, duck into a church, and expect it to be some sort of punishment-free zone.

“You can’t arrest me, I’m touching base.”

Can’t pick and choose, folks. It doesn’t work that way. Although, I am somewhat happy this jagoff picked one of the rich west-side whitey churches to run into, so that will shut up the people who think last July’s Abundant Faith situation was all about race and what side of town and blah blah blah. I know, it probably won’t shut them up, but it should. But then, it never should have been about race in the first place.

It’s about catching criminals, people. If either of these fucksticks had taken hostages, or started shooting people in the church, there would have been complete and total uproar that SPD didn’t do enough to catch the bad guy. And regardless of what people want to believe, the guy last summer had weapons in his car. The guy yesterday had already been convicted of weapons.

Oh, yeah- and THEY RAN FROM THE POLICE.

There is only one reason people ever run from the police: THEY’RE GUILTY.

Stop making excuses and let the police do their jobs without having to answer to bullshit racism claims every time something happens.  You assbags want crime-free streets but expect police to be gentle and kind-hearted and soft on the bad guys.  Or does that only apply for the non-white bad guys?

Interesting…

Funny how this story makes no mention of this incident.

Not My Fault, Volume XXVI

Big front page article in the paper this morning talking about how The People™ have spoken, bestowing upon the intersection of Hedley and White Oaks West the dubious distinction of Springfield’s Worst Intersection. It beat out such hopefuls as Lawrence and Chatham, Lawrence and MacArthur, and even Lawrence and Walnut. (Lesson One for driving in Springfield: stay off of Lawrence Ave., apparently.)

This came up somewhat last year when people went off the deep end bitching about how the MacArthur and the Walnut intersections at Lawrence Ave. need to be fixed because there have been so many accidents there.

Now, apparently, people feel that the intersection of Hedley and White Oaks West is even worse. I will concede that that intersection sucks, especially for those westbounders coming out of the White Oaks West shopping center parking lot. They, and the eastbounders trying to turn north, have virtually no shot of getting out, as almost nobody lets them out. Nor, however, is anyone required to.

Which leads me to the same result as last time:

Stay away from the damn intersection.

Folks, it is not the intersection’s fault it is where it is. It is not the intersection’s fault that the mean ol’ N<–>S drivers don’t let the poor oppressed W<–>E drivers out. It’s not the intersection’s fault people turn north onto WOW off of Wabash at about 45mph and then have to slam on their brakes to avoid butt-darting the guy trying to turn west onto Hedley because everyone has blocked everyone else from moving. It’s not the intersection’s fault, it’s not the City’s fault, it’s not the fault of the people that just bought the property on the northwest corner, the sale of which having apparently halted any chance of “fixing” the intersection. It’s not even Bush’s fault, strangely enough.

“Well, gosh, Johann, whose fault is it, then?”

I’ll tell you who, the same people whose fault all the accidents at apparently every intersection on Lawrence Ave. is: the drivers of Springfield.

*GASP and SWOON* “Ours?!”

That’s right, folks. Holy shit, folks, that intersection (Hedley/WOW) has been there for years, and has been unchanged for years. You all know it’s a shitty intersection. Stay away from it. There is absolutely nowhere in that area that anyone needs to be that they can’t get to a different way.

“But Johann, that would mean I’d have to drive two blocks out of the way!”

Yes, it would. Deal with it, asshole. Anyone going to Lowe’s, Circuit City, or the Sherwin Williams store at Koke Mill can turn in at the light there at Robbins Rd. Same with anyone going to the Thornton’s station once it opens back up this summer. People going to any of those little shops along WOW, or Break Time/Funny Bone, or County Market, Chili’s, Bone Spur, or anything else actually in the WOW shopping Center can go up Veterans to Iles and come back down that way. If you get stuck in the Hedley/WOW intersection, you have no right nor reason to complain.

It’s very simple, people. Take some damn responsibility. Stop looking to blame somebody else, anybody else, and/or everybody else for every little damn thing that happens to you. Sometimes, you simply bring it upon yourself. If you hate the intersection that badly, then AVOID IT. Yeah, you may have to drive an extra 1/8 of a mile, but T.S. Those are your choices. Either avoid the intersection or don’t bitch about how crappy it is once you’re caught in it.

Same with everyone ranting about the Lawrence/MacArthur and Lawrence/Walnut intersections (or any others). You know what the intersections are like and what potential dangers they present; either accept them or find a different route.

Or, now that I think about it, there is a third option: LEARN TO FRICKIN’ DRIVE. It’s called yielding the right-of-way, or just flat out yielding to someone else out of simple common courtesy, heaven forbid THAT happens. It’s called not blocking the intersection and subsequently blocking all other traffic from being able to move- in any direction. It’s called slowing down, especially in adverse conditions. It’s called obeying street signs and traffic signals. It’s called basically learning the damn rules of the road- they give away little pamphlets at all DMV locations; pick one up and actually read it. It’s especially called hanging up your goddamned cellphones, quit dicking around with your electronic device of choice or putting on makeup or shaving or reading fondling the mongrel/kitty snookems/road-head provider in your lap, whatever it is you do while driving, and pay some friggin’ attention to the world around you. Strangely enough, there actually are other people out there. By ceasing to be part of the problem, you have already taken a mammoth step toward becoming part of the solution.

Yes, some of the intersections in town are hazardous, or even dangerous. Some aren’t necessarily hazardous or dangerous near so much as just very poorly designed (Hedley/WOW; Lindbergh/Freedom Dr., etc.). But considering just how much the shitty drivers in this town contribute to these and all intersections being hazardous, dangerous, or simply irritating, I really don’t think you have the right to blame the City or landowners or everybody else- besides yourself, naturally, since it’s never YOUR fault- for the multitude of accidents, logjams, and bottlenecks that occur. They occur because of inattentive and just plain bad drivers. Again, several intersections in town DO need some serious work done; I recognize that. But until everyone in this town learns how to drive properly, I don’t care if you line the streets with mattresses and tires; drivers will still cause accidents. Drivers will always cause accidents.

In the mean time, or if you just flat out refuse to learn how to drive, then take a different route or shut up.  Oh, and get over the damn road rage.  You don’t have to pass out daisies at red lights, but good God, people, lighten the hell up.  Everyone out there has somewhere to go, someone to see, something to do, just as badly as you do.  You’re no more special than anyone else.

Sure, the stage show was okay, but….

I wonder now if maybe I should have gone to “Movin’ Out” at Sangamon State last night. I’ve always been a big fan of Billy Joel’s music, but as a rule, I’m just not much for musicals, rock ballets, whatever you want to call them. Not saying anything bad about those that do like them; they’re just not usually my cup of tea. Mrs. Johann and her mom went, and the wife said it rocked! In telling me about the show, she said something about G-strings and pasties with tassels on them at one point. DAMN! And to think that if Mrs. Johann didn’t want to go, her mother would have offered the ticket to me. Drat da luck. Anyway, I heard the show was really, really good and I envy everyone that got to see it.

However, I definitely made up for missing the almost-naked titties great show and awesome music, because I went to see some awesome music myself when I went to Pizza Machine at Vinegar Hill Mall to see Springfield’s #1 Billy Joel Cover Band- Silly Joel!!!! For those unfamiliar, let me ’splain.

First, allow me to introduce the players: Captain Jack on vocals, Mr. Alan Towne on guitar, Downeaster Alexa on cello, Virginia on keyboards, and the effervescent Mr. Cacciatore on drums. They started promptly at… shortly after 11:00, taking the stage as different versions of our other Springfield icon, Abraham Lincoln. There was Abra-Ham Sandwich, Flav-R-Flav-raham Lincoln, Babe-raham Lincoln (nice rack, by the way, Virginia… don’t think I didn’t notice that two-handed “salute” you gave when you were introduced!), etc. The real reason for all the hoopla was that it was Mr. William Joel’s 59th birthday yesterday. Strangely enough, Billy never showed. Probably just had trouble getting a limo from Capital Airport or something. Anyhooze, they started the show by leading a chorus of “Happy Birthday” in Billy’s honor.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. This was my first live SJ performance. I’d seen the YouTube videos but have never actually been able to catch a live show. I gotta be completely honest here: I was a tad unsure how a guitar, a keyboard, a cello, and a drum kit would pull it off. I mean, some of Billy Joel’s songs are pretty hefty arrangements. But when they started, I have to say, I was very impressed.

First of all, let me say that I couldn’t believe how many kids were there. And I don’t just mean young’uns- KIDS. I mean, Pizza Machine is a family-friendly place and all, but holy crap- to quote the great philosopher Judge Smails, “don’t you have homes?!” I love my kids dearly, but I don’t think I’m going to keep them out at 11:00pm, especially in a place that has Vinegar Hill Mall’s… shall we say, reputation. But that’s another story. But there were lots and lots of kids (adults way younger than I, post-pubescents, etc.) there, and quite frankly, had I been an officer, I likely would have had an astronomical amount of underage-drinking busts. But yet again, I digress. The only reason I mentioned it at all was that it was freakin’ hilarious- and yet, sad at the same time- to see all these pups turn and look at each other and say, “Omigod, I, like, TOTALLY don’t know this song!” Ahhhh, da yutes of America.

ANYWAY, the band began, and they were incredible. They were rocking it from the very start. The whole set was great- from “Captain Jack” to “Allentown” to “You May Be Right”, “Still Rock and Roll to Me” to “The Stranger” to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, “New York State of Mind” to “Just the Way You Are” to “My Life”, each song kept the integrity of Billy Joel firmly intact yet placed SJ’s own special stamp on it.

Special guest vocalist Mama Leone absolutely tore it up on “Only the Good Die Young”, and of course, the night wouldn’t have been complete without the other special guest vocalist dropping by for “Movin’ Out (Kermit’s Song)”. That little green dude is simply amazing. It was nice also getting to see Indiana Phones and Sgt. O’Leary in person.

They closed out with “Pressure”, with Virginia and Alexa working that rhythm section with style and finesse, and then “Big Shot”, one of my all-time favorite Billy songs. They played it faster than regular speed, but I think that is what made it all the more enjoyable, at least for me.

Finally, the chants of “Encore!!” and “One More Song!!” from the throngs and throngs of people crammed in the Pizza Machine were too much for the elusive quintet, and the hoards of adoring fans managed to entice the band to come out for a curtain call, upon which they broke into their reggae-country-opera-punk-Billy Joel fusion version of “Piano Man”.

One question, though… who was that imposter dressed as the Stranger?!! The way I heard it, the real Stranger didn’t make it.

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TRANSLATION: I probably sound like I’m their publicist or something, but I’m not. All truth be told, it was an extremely enjoyable show, one without all the same old crap songs that everyone else plays (that mostly aren’t worth hearing, and are usually so loud and garbled, you can’t hear them anyway). I will say that if I were Virginia, I would have probably been a little apprehensive playing keyboards in a tribute band for… well, the Piano Man. But she did an absolutely outstanding job, as they all did. Folks, if you just want to see some talented and charismatic musicians just simply playing good music, having fun doing so, and giving the crowd a good time as well, do yourselves a favor and check out Silly Joel. It’s a great time, you know all the songs, and there’s really no excuse for not supporting ANY local band, but especially one that’s just a little different from all the rest.

I also picked up a bitchin’ Silly Joel t-shirt last night. How friggin’ cool is THAT?!