Heinously Butchered Word of the Week

I don’t speak Japanese.  Hell, I don’t even speak English all that well.  I am learning Spanish, but in my mind I do have “enough” of a grasp of English that I can point out the mistakes of others.  Even if I really don’t, I still point them out.  My blog, my rules.

Today’s HBWW is Japanese in origin.  I think.  That’s a guess- I’m no epidemiologist. 

SUDOKU:  You all know what it is; it’s that maddening and highly habit-forming (and time wasting) puzzle “craze that’s sweeping the nation”.  You know, the one where you have a 9×9 grid separated into 9 3×3 squares, and each horizontal row, vertical column, and 3×3 square must contain each of the numbers 1-9.  Have you been under a rock?!  They’re printed in the back of the classified section in the SJ-R every day.

Well, anyway, I’ve heard this word pronounced “sa-doo-koo”, “soo-doo-koo”, “soo-da-koo”, “soo-da-ko“, “soo-ka-doo”, “so-da-kyoo”… just about every conceivable way possible.  Hardly anyone pronounces it correctly: “soo-doe-koo”.

Heinously Butchered (delicious) Word of the Week

Mainly butchered by me, admittedly.

CARAMEL: Yeah, yeah, I know it’s “properly” pronounced “care-a-mell” (or sometimes “care-a-mell“, by the über-snotty), but I pronounce it “car-mull”, and since I rule this tiny little corner of the blogosphere, that’s the correct pronunciation, as far as I’m concerned. I despise hearing “care-a-mell”. It’s a lot like hearing “jag-wire” instead of “jag-wahr”. One of Mrs. Johann’s customers, who apparently owns one, calls it a “jag-wahhhhhhh”, sort of tapering off at the end. Cretin.

On a related note…

There are two U.S. cities with the same name but pronounced differently:

Carmel, CA, whose main claim to fame appears to be having the great Clint Eastwood as a former mayor, is pronounced “car-mell“. Carmel, IN, a rather well-to-do suburb of northern Indianapolis, is pronounced “car-mull”, as in the “correct” pronunciation of the aforementioned delicious sundae topping/Snickers bar ingredient. Mmmmmm… Snickers bars…

I hope this clears things up a little. Not that you needed it or even asked, but hey- I’m here to help.

Heinously Butchered Word(s) of the Week

Today’s edition of HBWW apparently has a theme: apostrophes. But it also has to do with homophones. Or are they homonyms…?! I can’t ever remember which is which; all I know is that there are a lot of people that don’t know when to use the following words properly:

YOUR: a possessive pronoun referring to something belonging to you, as in:

“Put your boots in the closet.”

YOU’RE: a contraction meaning “you are”, as in:

“You’re an asshole.” (I seem to hear that a lot for some reason.)

Are these two words THAT difficult to differentiate?! I can’t believe the number of times I see “YOUR” erroneously substituted for “YOU’RE”. Mostly in emails and things on the internet, but you’ll also see them on marquees and signs on local businesses occasionally as well. Similarly:

THERE: indicates location of a person or object, as in:

“I see two empty seats together over there.”

THEIR: another of those “tricky” possessive pronouns, referring to something belonging to “them”, as in:

“The neighbors’ kids quickly wore out their welcomes.”

Ah, but then there is:

THEY’RE: a contraction meaning “they are”, as in:

“If the Cubs aren’t careful, they’re going to lose their lead.”

These three words are all too oft misused as well. Usually it’s “there” when someone means “they’re”, or “their” when they mean “there”. Either way, ugh. Then there is also:

ITS: a genuinely “tricky” possessive pronoun, meaning something belonging to “it”:

“The bear was licking its lips.”

IT’S: a contraction meaning “it is”, as in:

“It’s a shame how many people misuse these words.”

Finally, the saddest infraction involving apostrophes is seeing the number of times people put apostrophes in plural words. I would almost excuse it–based on the fact that, for example, “dog’s” could either refer to something belonging to the dog, or it could mean “the dog is”–but it happens so frequently that it crossed the line from occasional oversight to just laziness and/or stupidity long ago. Best (worst?!) example is at an insurance place on Wabash that shall remain nameless, simply because I don’t know ITS name. There is a marquee out front that reads something like:

“Who will win? Cubs fan’s? Cards fan’s? We insure them both!”

I look at that and say, they insure a Cubs fan’s what?! Car? House? Crying towel? Yes, it does matter, people. Not only is the meaning unclear, but it makes the person that put up the sign- and frankly, the insurance company as well- appear not very intelligent and, consequently, not worthy of my business. As I said, it does matter. It’s one thing to see it in emails and hand-written things, but it’s quite another when it’s on a sign, flyer, or other item that represents a business, service, candidate for office, or whatever. I see emails at work that go agency-wide that regularly contain these and other similarly heinous errors- some out of my own office. College graduates many of these people are, and they make themselves appear unable to properly form a sentence. Scary.

I do not claim to have 100% grasp on English, grammar, or spelling at all- I make PLENTY of mistake’s- but if I can help stop even one more person from making such… well, stupid… errors, then it is worth all the negative comments I’m sure to draw by posting HBWW.

Heinously Butchered Word of the Week Sports Edition

To continue on with my new feature, we venture into the world of sports.

When I was a kid, I never understood why athletes were portrayed as (and thought of as) stupid. As I got older, it was pretty easy to figure out. Many of them are stupid. If they’re not, then they are Oscar-caliber actors. Many of them have me fooled. At any rate, I could devote an entire blog to all the idiotic things players, broadcasters, coaches, etc., have said- and another for all the things they’ve done- so I’ll just bring up the ones that usually stand out most for me.

ATHALETE: apparently at some point in the recent past, the word “athlete” was given a third syllable. You’ll hear this one every single day if you listen to 1450AM, where they spotlight “a different high school athalete” each week. It’s like fingernails on the chalkboard.

ILLIANI: (ih-lye-uh-nye) broadcasters around here seem to like to give this word an extra syllable as well. The word is actually “Illini”, which is the mascot for the University of Illinois sports teams. Well, actually, not anymore, since the Political Correctness Pansy Ass Gestapo Douchebag Assface Dickhead Treehugger We’re-SO-much-better-than-everyone-else Patrol destroyed the use of “Illini” or of Chief Illiniwek, but that’s another issue. Bitter? Oh, a tad.

SOUTHMORE: Midwestern term for a 10th grader. It’s “sophomore”, genius!!! And even though it LOOKS like it should be pronounced “soff-O-more”, it isn’t. Keep your extra syllables to yourself. It’s “soff-more”. And on a side note, when did 9th graders become “frosh”?! Where the hell did “frosh” came from?! I can remember being in high school and the head football coach talking at a pep rally… he actually addressed the “frosh football squad”. Um, who?!

Other sport-related things I don’t get…

…why we say “runs batted in”, but we abbreviate it as “RBI’s”? Shouldn’t it be “R’sBI”?

…why, if you’re in the sports business, days of the week suddenly lose that final “A”? Only in the sports realm will you so regularly hear “Mondy, Tuesdy, Wednesdy…” etc. Doesn’t matter what sport, doesn’t matter what level. In sports, days of the week become dys of the week.

…why Cubs fans get SO bent out of shape when you rip on Ron Santo’s broadcasting “abilities”? Have they not ever actually listened to him?! He’s horrible, and NEEDS to be ripped upon. He makes Mike Shannon sound like friggin’ Einstein. And Shannon’s pretty brutal himself. I can appreciate your loyalty to Santo as a player, Cub fans, but as a broadcaster, he sucks ass. Hard. With a loud slurping noise. Not just his sodomizing of the language, but just his speaking in general. Never thought I’d miss Harry that badly.

Speaking of Mike Shannon, I was listening to the Cardinals-Astros game the other night, and he kept pronouncing Brad Ausmus’ name “Oss-moss”. Over and over and over. You could even tell after a while that Rooney was TRYING to subtly correct him and he still kept saying “Oss-moss”. Is “aws-muss” that hard to say?! Have another ice cold refreshing Budweiser, Moon Man.

And finally…

SOCCER: it just kills me, the number of people that mispronounce such a simple word. Maybe it’s the double-C that throws people. It’s properly pronounced “a boring game that mostly only appeals to 6-year-olds, foreigners, and people who live more than 500 miles from any MLB, NFL, and NBA franchises”.

Heinously Butchered Word of the Week

Today starts a new feature that may or may not become a regularly occurring item; it just depends on how often I hear people- especially the self-appointed wordsmiths in the broadcast and print media- absolutely sodomize the English language.

I realize English is a difficult language to comprehend, trust me. Mother Johann being a teacher and all, we pretty much had to learn grammar and spelling, or else. That’s not to say I completely did (”where’s the remote at?”), but I sure tried.

All those rules and their accompanying exceptions (house –> houses, but mouse –> mice), bizarre little devils that make things twelve times more difficult than they should be (homophones, homonyms, that whole “I before E” bullshit), things like that. But come on, people- especially if you work in a field in which proper, lucid expression of your thoughts is paramount, could you at least try a little harder?! It amazes me how many times I hear on the radio and TV, or read in print, the reporter or broadcaster completely demolish English within a 20-second story or 150-word column.

Thus, I shall launch the Heinously Butchered Work of the Week (or HBWW, for short), at least in an attempt to enlighten all 4 of you, my loyal readers- if not also to publicly humiliate the imbecile reporters and broadcasters that can’t speak or spell their way out of a wet paper bag. I’ll start with one of my biggest pet peeves. Enjoy.

SUPPOSABLY (adv) meaning: there isn’t one, because this is NOT a word, people. I honestly cannot count the number of times a day I hear supposedly (big clue…) educated people say “supposably”. I heard it so confidently uttered by a newscaster on the radio just this morning on my way back from Lucky Larry’s.

The friggin’ word is S-U-P-P-O-S-E-D-L-Y, not “supposably”!!!

Thank you and have a gosh-darned swell weekend. But stay dry; supposably, it’s going to rain some more later tonight.