I guess I’m not a “patriot”

Or at least not a fan of their representative NFL franchise. So sue me.

Okay, so the New England Patriots went 16-0 this season. Good for them, hasn’t been done since the ‘72 Dolphins, blah blah blah blah blah, whoop-dee-shit. Can we please move on? Their bandwagon seems to be pretty well loaded down, what with carrying the entire staff of ESPN and all for so many years now, especially since they got to about 7-0 this season, and the “will they or won’t they” story line was about all that ESPN could or would talk about. Then once they beat the Colts in Week 9, the ESPN anchors continued their Patriot lovefest by pretty much anointing them at that time as Most Likely To Finish Undefeated.

All right– a little side note here- what is with the mancrush everyone seems to have on Tom Brady? He is NOT that good looking, people. There are far better looking guys in the NFL to have mancrushes on than Tom Brady.

Anyway…

Now don’t get me wrong- they’re obviously a very good team with a great nucleus of players, many of whom have been with them for a while now. The addition of Randy Moss, despise him as I do, was huge for Moss, for Brady, and for the entire team. I still say the guy’s an asshole, but I’ll give credit where it is due. He’s apparently finally learned how to act like a team player (and a friggin’ adult for that matter) somewhere along the way, and he’s finally starting to be able to let his talent speak for him rather than the idiotic things he says and does, on and off the field. But then, don’t get me started on that tangent.

Thing is, the Patriots really aren’t 16-0 good. They’re good enough that they’ll probably wind up winning the damn Super Bowl- again- but they’re not as good as 16-0 suggests. There’s an old saying that goes,”Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good”. That certainly sums up the Patriots at times this season.

• Week 1 @ NYJ- 38-14. Not exactly a fair fight. Kind of like Shaq vs. Muggsy Bogues in a dunk contest. Of course, this was the “infamous” Spy-Gate game where the Patriots got caught filming the Jets’ bench. As if they needed to. Just goes to show that the Patriots are not only good, they’re also dumbasses.
• Week 2 vs. SD: 38-14. Much better team than the Jets, but again, not in the Patriots’ league, so to speak.
• Week 3 vs. BUF: 38-7. Pretty much like playing the All-Girls School for the Blind.
• Week 4 at CIN: 34-13. The Bengals should have been a lot better than what they were this year, but they didn’t give much of a struggle either.
• Week 5 vs. CLE: 34-17. The Browns actually are a pretty darned good football team. They ultimately wound up missing the playoffs due to Tennessee beating the Colts last night, but at any rate, this was the first even remotely “good” team New England faced this year, and it still wasn’t much of a game.
• Week 6 at DAL: 48-27. I have to say, I was torn on this game. I don’t like the Patriots, but I don’t like the Cowboys more. Plus, the Cowboys have Terrell Owens, and he is a cancer to the sport, so I can’t support him or any team he plays for. This game was [over]hyped as the Battle of the Juggernauts of their respective conferences, but again, not much of a contest.
• Week 7 at MIA: 49-28. Come on- it’s the Dolphins. Snoop-Dogg’s kid’s team probably would have a better shot of beating the Patriots.
• Week 8 vs. WAS: 52-7. People bitched and whined about this game because Belichick was “running up the score” by leaving Brady and his stud receivers in the game for so long. Hey- the Redskins LET them run up the score, so why shouldn’t they? My brother even went so far as to say that “good taste would dictate taking your stars out”, which made me laugh my ass off. Since when does good taste have or ever have had ANY place in professional sports? The Patriots just simply dominated the other team, who allowed it to happen.
• Week 9 at IND: 24-20. This was THE [over]hyped game of all [over]hyped games. The 8-0 Patriots vs. the 7-0 Colts, in what many were calling the “Super Bowl”, as in whoever won this game will win the Super Bowl 3 months later. Well, the Patriots still prevailed somehow- barely, and they should have lost- but once they finally faced a good team, they showed the world that they’re fallible. Psssst- Tom… Peyton’s better than you.
• Week 10 BYE. The riders of the Patriots Love Train had to suffer through the bye week by sitting in their beanbag chairs with their bag of Cheetos, staring longingly at their Tom Brady Fathead graphics. ‘Nuff said.
• Week 11 at BUF: 56-10. All right, that’s just wrong.
• Week 12 vs. PHI: 31-28. Ooooh, big time scare from Donovan McNabb and company. They were down 28-24 about halfway through the 4th quarter, scored to make it 31-28, then a couple of late interceptions sealed the deal, but they skated out of there by the skin o’ their teeth. Stupid Eagles. Nothing like snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory.
• Week 13 at BAL 27-24. The Patriots did not win this game- Baltimore lost it. A stupid, STUPID timeout call from the Ravens bench and a still, in my mind, questionable Brady-to-Gaffney TD pass with 44 seconds left sealed the Raven’s fate in this game, one of a few that demonstrated my “better to be lucky than good” argument.
• Week 14 vs. PIT: 34-14. The Steelers just played like shit. Period. Plus it didn’t really help that Steelers safety Anthony Smith guaranteed a victory. Haven’t you idiots learned by now that Joe Namath got lucky?
• Week 15 vs. NYJ: 20-10. The Patriots seemed to be off their game, pardon the cheesy cliché, but it was against the Jets, so like it really mattered.
• Week 16 vs. MIA: 28-7. Again, not like it’s a real opponent. Big deal.
• Week 17 vs. NYG: 38-35. Yet another game where the other team lost the game as opposed to the Patriots winning it.

But folks, look at that schedule- granted, they did win every game, but they only played 4 playoff-caliber teams (5, if you count Cleveland who just barely missed the playoffs). They’re in a super-weak division (the Bills, the Jets, and the Dolphins- please!). I guess when you are the “Chosen” team, you can get by with a cupcake schedule. Yeah, they went 16-0 and they are the clear favorite to sweep the playoffs and win the Super Bowl. Good for them. But they have now joined the Cowboys as the Yankees and Red Sox of the NFL.

As in, teams that one should never root for ever, genius. EVER.

Apparently I’m the only football fan that doesn’t like seeing the same team win every single freakin’ year. I hate dynasties. Absolutely de-SPISE them. (Other than the Montana-Rice-Young 49ers of the 80’s and early 90’s, but that’s different. Why? Because I said it’s different. Bite me.) The Patriots are the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie of the NFL. What I mean by that is, their opponents are so unfairly matched against them that you can’t help but root against them (the Patriots; Arnold’s character), even though you know the ultimate outcome. Oh come on- like I was the only one that started wanting the Predator to kick Arnold’s ass after a while.

Anyway, yeah, the Patriots are a good team, but they haven’t really played many good teams either. Maybe it IS true- maybe they are just that much better than everyone else. But I refuse to admit to that, especially looking at that lace doily of a schedule. They still have three games to win, and if someone can somehow put on a pair and knock the Patriots off, they’ll be done, which would make it that much better. If you’re going to beat the big guys, make it count.

So have a Happy (and prosperous and safe) New Year, everyone, and those of you out there who are University of Chief Illinwek fans, look at it this way- they made the Rose Bowl. That’s a huge accomplishment far and above what pretty much anyone thought they could do. But they’re going to get sodomized tomorrow. Bad. But then, is there a “good” way of getting sodomized?

Happy New Year everyone! See you in 2008!

Ayes of the needle

So the Mitchell report on steroids in baseball was released today.

20 months and 40 million dollars found out that steroids has been a problem in MLB over the last roughly 2 decades.

The hell, you say.

Anyone who hasn’t been in a freakin’ wormhole for the last 2 years knows that much. This report (I haven’t read it myself, but I’ve listened to the talking heads babble about it enough that now I’m an “expert” too, at least as much as they “are”) really was nothing more than two hours of “been there, done that” followed up with completely ambiguous and painfully obvious “recommendations of what needs to be done” to attempt to “clean up America’s pastime”. Then Butt Selig gets up and refuses to include himself in the long distinguished list of who is to blame. To be fair, I haven’t heard anything about the MLBPA’s response, but considering they’re a union, I don’t give two shits what they have to say.

I have a whole lot to say about this whole situation, but it’s late, I had a rough night at work, and I’m going to bed. So my bitchslaps will come soon in the form of another post, likely well after this is “old news”, but I will still take my opportunity to lash out at any and all culpable dickwads as I see fit.

Speaking of dickwads, here is the first batch of what is sure to be a friggin’ HUGE list of players that apparently and/or allegedly have been outed for their steroid use. Some are no-brainer guilty (Barry Bonds*, Roger Clemens, Eric Gagne, Lenny Dykstra, Matt Williams, and of course, Jose Canseco), some it kind of makes more sense about now (David Justice, Hal Morris, Mo Vaughn, Rick Ankiel, John Rocker, Paul Byrd), a couple are a bit of a surprise (Andy Pettite and Fernando Vina?!), but most of these guys fall into one or both of two main categories: the “So That’s How You Made the Major Leagues” category (Chuck Knoblauch, Glenallen Hill, Larry Bigbie) or the “Who Are/Were You Again?” category (Nook Logan, Josias Manzanillo, F.P. Santangello, most everyone else). The report said that all 30 teams had at least one member busted out. See if you can pick out your favorite team’s Douchebag Hall of Shame representative(s).

Listed alphabetically:

Chad Allen
Rick Ankiel
David Bell
Mike Bell
Gary Bennett Jr
Larry Bigbie
Barry Bonds*
Kevin Brown
Paul Byrd
Jose Canseco
Mark Carreon
Jason Christiansen
Howie Clark
Roger Clemens
Jack Cust
Brendan Donnelly
Chris Donnels
Lenny Dykstra
Matt Franco
Ryan Franklin
Eric Gagne
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Jason Grimsley
Jose Guillen
Jerry Hairston Jr
Matt Herges
Phil Hiatt
Glenallen Hill
Darren Holmes
Todd Hundley
David Justice
Chuck Knoblauch
Tim Laker
Mike Lansing
Paul LoDuca
Nook Logan
Gary Matthews Jr
Josias Mazanillo
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Bart Miadich
Hal Morris
Denny Neagle
Jim Parque
Andy Pettite
Adam Piatt
Todd Pratt
Stephen Randolph
Brian Roberts
John Rocker
Adam Riggs
F.P. Santangelo
David Segui
Scott Shoeneweis
Mike Stanton
Miguel Tejada
Derrick Turnbow
Ismael Valdez
Mo Vaughn
Fernando Vina
Ron Villone
Rondell White
Jeff Williams
Matt Williams
Todd Williams
Steve Woodard
Kevin Young

Like I said, I will eventually get around to adequately degrading all these pansy-assed, integrity-free, they’ll-apparently-let-anyone-stick-anything-in-their-asses wastes of humanity as well as everyone else necessary, but right now I’m going to bed. It’s been a rough day, and the next two don’t really promise to get any better.

UPDATE 12-16-2007:  You know what, screw that.  The piece of shit juicing bastards listed above aren’t worth my wasting time on.  I’m not sure what’s worse- the players that used, the owners and managers that enabled and/or hid it, or the fans that aren’t outraged by it or, worse yet, somehow excuse or justify it.  So it’s probably best I just leave it at that.  I know they’re douchebags, you know they’re douchebags, hell, even THEY probably know they’re douchebags (they should, anyway); no sense in beating yet another dead horse.

Besides, y’all know I can’t keep my mouth shut for too long, so I’m sure I’ll have more to say about it eventually anyway, especially as the 2008 season draws closer.  Until then, I’m not going to waste the keystrokes on these pendejos.

How ’bout them Cubbies?

All right, Cub fans… bring it on- what’s the excuse this time for the fine, fine fashion in which the Cubs once again choked (albeit much later than normal)?

Goats? Curses? Fans trying to catch foul balls? Wind shear? Global warming? A one-armed man? Dubya?

Here’s one: maybe God just hates the Cubs.

Can we please move on now? *

So Barry Bonds has broken the all-time home-run record. Too bad at least a quarter of them were aided by steroids. That really taints the record- a record that many consider one of if not the “most hallowed of all records in sports”. (Obviously that’s another debate for another time.)

Barry Bonds took steroids. Plain and simple. All you bleeding hearts can save your “there’s no proof yet” and “innocent until proven guilty” bullshit- he did steroids. You know it, I know it, he knows it, everyone knows it. Steroids, HGH, probably both. If you’re not going to believe the visual proof comparing his size when he was in Pittsburgh (or even his size when he first went to San Francisco) to his size now, believe the other stats. Folks, his head size grew. His shoe size has increased from 10 1/2 to 13. That’s 2 and a half sizes, people. That does not happen in your 30’s and 40’s without “help”. Plus, his “best friend” (the one that helped supply him with his smack) Greg Anderson would rather sit in jail than to rat on Bonds? Great exhibition of loyalty, but a colossal display of stupidity. With friends like that…

And why did he take steroids? Ego. He can’t handle not being “the best”. He is the best in his own mind, but he has to try to convince everyone else. He was insanely jealous of Mark McGwire getting so much press for the 1998 pursuit of Roger Maris’ single-season HR record, a pursuit which is also tainted by McGwire’s use of something. No, we have no proof, but anybody who doesn’t think McGwire did it as well is just as blind as those that think Bonds is innocent. Anyway, Bonds was so jealous of the press McGwire got that he invented some bullshit “you don’t like Barry because Barry’s black” bullshit racism story, all the while jacking himself up.

“Bullshit” racism, you say? Yes, bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I know racism is out there and I have no doubt Bonds has been a victim of racism at some point in his life. But he knows nothing of racism. Ask Hank Aaron about racism. Also, Roger Maris was getting death threats in 1961 when he was approaching Babe Ruth’s single-season record, and he was a white boy who played for Ruth’s very team. Don’t always equate racism with simple ignorance. Playing the race card at will loses its punch. Almost like crying wolf. Bonds throws that race card around a lot, as if to excuse anything he does wrong. Besides, he plays in one of the most free-spirited, dope-smoking, tree-hugging, Kumbaya-singing, self-righteous areas in the country, so I don’t really see him having much of a right to say anything about racism. Aaron played most of his games in Atlanta in the 70s. ‘Nuff said.

The other reason nobody outside San Francisco cares (or should care, anyway) is because Bonds is a dick. Not even taking into account that he was not chemically enhanced, Hank Aaron was and still is a gentleman–soft-spoken, humble, genuine; traits that are scoffed and laughed at nowadays. For Bonds, it’s all about him. Bonds would make (and has made) himself a pariah just to get his name and face out there. Bad press is better than no press, right, Barroid? Sure, there have been people paraded through the ESPN studios this last week or so extolling the virtues of what a prince of a guy Bonds is. Of course they’re going to say that, especially right now and with a TV camera in their faces. Most articles I’ve read about former players that don’t have to control their tongues or worry about repercussions anymore say that he was an absolute dick as a “teammate”. Hell, Bonds made Jeff Kent seem almost tolerable, for piss sakes. Bonds cares about nobody but himself.

Bottom line, Bonds has broken Aaron’s record, but he cheated to do so. He had tremendous ability and could have legitimately become easily one of the top five or ten greatest hitters of all time, maybe even better than that. Instead, he pissed it all away with steroids and HGH to feed his ego. Concrete proof or not (yet), how can you validate that? Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro, Sosa, any of them. Yeah, I suppose it is “unfair” that Bonds has been anointed the poster child for the Steroid Era when there are and were so many other players that use or did use that shit. Oh well, life isn’t fair; deal with it. None of “the other guys” were chasing such an important record. It isn’t “fair” that you and McGwire before you were allowed to hold a record that was achieved through steroids. It isn’t “fair” that you are allowed to hold perhaps the pinnacle of all sports records, achieved through steroids. But again, life isn’t fair; I’ll have to deal with it.

I have to accept Bonds holding the record, but I don’t have to acknowledge it. My kids will know why Aaron is the true home run king and always will be until a legitimate hitter hits 756, and consequently and with any luck, whatever tainted final number Bonds ends up with. (Are you listening, A-Rod? Keep yourself healthy!) I will allow ESPN the 24 hours they’re going to spend jacking Bonds off, and then after that, hopefully they can drop the “all praise King Barry” crap and get back to their normal programming: deep-throating the Yankees and Red Sox. I didn’t think I’d EVER long for the days of All Yankees-Red Sox All The Time™.

To me, the true displays of nobility were by Aaron in his videotaped message played on the Jumbotron and especially by the Washington pitcher that served up number 756*, Mike Bacsik, who, after all the BS died down, directly tipped his hat to Bonds- unnecessarily, in my eyes, but still a classy move- before continuing the game. And one more disappointing note was Hollywood Jimmy Edmonds’ gushing, almost disgusting comments as printed on SI.com:

“Like people say, this is a fraternity and some of these guys have let that slip,” he said. “I think that we should pull for each other. He’s always been very polite to me, so I can’t complain.”

Please, Jim.

Congratulations, Barry, you cheating piece of hot steaming fecal matter. At least now I can turn my attentions back to what a dick my governor is.

* ADDENDUM 8-15-2007: Legally, it is apparently now my obligation to declare this entire post as total conjecture and opinion. I don’t particularly want to get sued by a man who already has a ton of money as it is. No hard feelings, Mr. Bonds, Sir, I just think you have more important legal battles to focus on than trying to stop what Joe Private Citizen says about you. If saying you did steroids (whether presented as presumed fact or the opinion of the speaker/writer) is genuinely untrue, as you profess it to be, I should think you would want to go after the reporters and broadcasters who have been stating exactly that for many months. Bigger fish to fry and all.

At least there’s still all the deep-fried stuff

A few weeks ago, the grandstand lineup for the State Fair was announced.

Once again, the lineup sucks.

Apparently, the fair manager or president or Grand Poobah or whatever she is is only interested in taking money from country music fans and 13 year old girls. “Country music”… now there’s an oxymoron. Kind of like saying “rap music”, but that’s another story.

Now don’t get me wrong- I realize state fairs are largely an agricultural exposition, and I have absolutely nothing against that. The livestock shows are a big deal for the kids that raise their hogs, sheep, horses, etc., and I think that’s great. But especially the last few years or so, that demographic seems to be the only one “they” really cater to. How about a little variety? We silver spoon city slickers spend our money at the fair as well. Not everyone that goes to the fair likes fiddles and steel guitars.

Let’s look at the lineup. The “big name” seems to be southern Illinois native Gretchen Wilson with opening act Guy Nobody Has Heard Of. Gretchen and her girl-power anthem “Redneck Women” will surely please those that like that type of simple drivel. Not that there’s anything wrong with liking that type of simple drivel. Twang on. (SIDE NOTE: “redneck” is not exactly an endearing name, folks.)