A friend and once-frequent commenter (big ups to Nancy!) mentioned something on the Facebooks once a while back about pet peeves that absolutely drive you crazy. Her premise was things that are pretty much innocuous to most other people but will send you spinning into a dimension of lucid psychosis. So that got me thinking about some of the many things that drive me into an eyeball-bleeding frenzy. So I thought I’d list a few and let you discuss how ridiculously tightly wound I am.
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Pigtails. I absolutely cannot stand it when girls of any age have their hair in pigtails. I think it’s a hideous look on a four-year-old, and I think it’s absolutely putrid on a grown woman. If your hair is long enough to be in pigtails, it should flow freely like nature intended. (Inexplicable exception: ponytails are fine. Braided ponytails- especially French braids- are fine. But definitely, any ponytail that lets the hair just cascade like it is supposed to. Except those 80s-era side-of-the-head ponytails. What the hell was THAT about?!)
The Guy Code (aka Man Laws). Who came up with these freakin’ “rules of masculinity”?! One of the absolute dumbest: You can’t use a urinal directly next to an occupied urinal. Why the hell not?! I was at a restaurant recently that had three urinals. When I went in, it was empty, so I took the first one. Another guy came in shortly after and took the far one, leaving an empty one between us, per the stupid rule. Then a third guy came in and actually stood there and waited for me to finish instead of just using the empty one in the middle. That is friggin’ idiotic! Boys, if I gotta take a piss, I don’t give a fat rat’s ass if there’s another dude next to me; I’m pissing. If you don’t like it, then YOU move. Using an occupied urinal, I’ll give you that much. But how does peeing in a urinal next to another man in a separate urinal make you… whatever it supposedly makes you?! What the hell do you do while at a urinal that you can’t be next to another guy when you’re doing it?! Afraid he’s going to see your little willy, or you’re going to see his?! That’s what you deserve for looking there. Afraid your little willies are going to accidentally touch? Don’t flatter yourself, dude. So what do you do at places like older stadiums and racetracks that have the old trough-style urinals, especially the double-sided ones where you are not only directly next to another guy that is urinating, but you’re also facing another man that is urinating?! And why is just pissing out in the open three feet away from another man somehow okay?! At least at a urinal you’re somewhat enclosed. The “Guy Code” was apparently “written” by- and is followed by- a bunch of damned homophobes, and as we all know, homophobia is not the fear of homosexuals in as much as it is the fear that YOU may actually be homosexual. There are many, many other similarly positively stupid “Man Laws”- many of them contradict typical day-to-day male behavior, mind you- but in the interest of saving blog space, I just mentioned one of the more ridiculous of them. To all you idiotic Guy Code disciples: I love getting pedicures and I regularly get my eyebrows waxed. If you question MY manhood, drop your wife/girlfriend off here for the evening and then ask her about it when you pick her up. Putz. (See, ass pirates? It’s nothing but stupid male posturing. Get over yourselves, jagoffs.) Maybe soon I’ll devote an entire post to that stupid Man Code shit and how stupid the douchebags that follow it are. And speaking of bathrooms…
“The toilet paper HAS to be ‘over’”. I have never heard so many people (mainly women) that swear that the toilet paper just HAS to roll over the front of the roll instead of over the back. Like you somehow can’t use it if it’s hanging off the back. You know what? As long as there IS toilet paper, it really doesn’t matter in the least whether it’s “over” or “under”. Shut up and wipe your ass. Oh, and light a match, will ya?!
People on Facebook that bitch incessantly on Facebook about the stupid games on Facebook. I will agree with you– the farm games are stupid. The mafia games are stupid. And yes, God help me, I play a couple of them. AND, I get it that you are sick and tired of being pelted with lost cow notices and join-my-mob requests, not to mention the insipid “Which Smurf Are You”, “Which Skittle Flavor Are You”, and “Which Bell Biv Devoe Song Are You” and similar quizzes, and 98% of the other complete time-wasting shit on Facebook. I frakking get it. But you know what, I get tired of being pelted with your bitching about it. SOME of us on Facebook take into account the fact that most people don’t want to see the farm stuff and what not, so SOME of us try to be at least somewhat diligent about not posting shit like that. But sometimes I forget and let one or two go by. It happens. Sue me. But here’s the thing: you COULD be proactive and block the app from appearing on your news feed. I’ve got well over 200 applications blocked from appearing in my news feed; it’s not a difficult task to undertake. Or, you could just deal with it and shut up. I understand that Facebook is THE passive-aggression enabler of the 21st century, but holy crap. Frankly, I am sick of some of you posting your whiny “poor little me” status updates, your dark brooding lyric status updates, your 12-letter “secret” acronym posts to a specific person that you get all kinds of pissed off when someone has the unmitigated gall to ask what the hell it stands for, etc., but you don’t see me bitching about it, or sending threatening messages to you, do you? No, you don’t. And why? Because I understand it comes with being on Facebook, but mainly because it’s not worth wasting the time to complain about it. And I HAVE to see your status updates; I have no choice unless I just completely block you, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of a… wait for it… SOCIAL NETWORK. At least with the applications, you have a way out of having to see that stuff: you can block the application. Either block the application or shut the hell up about it.
Hmmmm… I’ve totally got a metric shit ton more things about which to bitch, but this post is getting long. Maybe I’ll make this a recurring theme.
I have a Facebook account. That said, I practically never get on it. Hell…I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about when you mention blocking apps. I don’t even know what Facebook apps are, nor do I really care. I have apps on my iPhone; I’m guessing Facebook apps are similar. But again I don’t really care.
There only two different Facebook sites I routinely get on (maybe once or twice a month): those of my two oldest granddaughters, if for no other reason than I love to see the pictures they occasionally post on their sites.
I do occasionally do post pictures on my personal (me.com) website. But then when I do, I will alert only those people whom I think will enjoy viewing them…not the entire world. (Those of you who know who I am can contact me for the webloc address if they are interested.)
I will occasionally acknowledge if I get a request to be added as a friend or relative, just out of courtesy. But I practically never go back. It’s not that I am deliberately snubbing anyone, it’s just that I don’t want to spend my time going thru a bazillion Facebook sites when I have more important things to do with my time. Some of the requests to become friends I get from people I have never heard of. What’s with that?!!!
If I have some important or interesting topic to talk about, I simply email it to the people I think might be interested in hearing about it…and if they’re not interested, they can simply hit the delete button.
You totally need to make this a recurring theme. It’s always fun to read what you’re griping about.
– I admit that I generally follow the “spacing out the urinal” law, if for no other reason than to follow generally accepted bathroom customs. What’s more important, tho, is the “no talking in the bathroom” law. The bathroom should and needs to be the one place where all the polite ways of society go by the wayside: farting, nose-picking, ball-scratching, etc. I generally don’t want to have to conduct conversation with others while I’m doing such things.
– I prefer my toilet paper to go over, but it’s not like it doesn’t work the same way if it goes under. It still cleans your shit-smeared anus regardless of which way you tear it off the goddamned roll.
– Facebook is so 2008. I also found your cow.
“It’s always fun to read what you’re griping about.” And then to ridicule me for it.
I may go ahead and make it a recurring theme. God knows I have plenty to bitch about. Speaking of recurring themes… what happened to Cool Band Names?? Of course, I guess I need to wait until AnonCommDOTcom comes back live again…
Anyhooze, I just don’t get the whole spacing out the urinal thing. Like I say, if I gotta pee, I’m peeing, “buffer zone” or not. If Macho Dude™ next to me has an issue with it, it’s his problem. As far as the “no talking in the bathroom” thing, someone needs to ‘splain that to all the Macho Dudes™ at football and baseball games. I can’t count the number of [probably] loyal Guy Code disciples that I’ve witnessed hold conversations in the shitter. Sometimes from one stall to another. Not to mention the fact that there’s almost always 12 guys pissing next to each other with no buffer zone. So, what- sporting events are exempt from the bathroom Guy Code laws?! GMAMFB.
And you summed up the toilet paper thing quite nicely.
If you found my cow, then chop that bitch up and cook it.