I’d rather stick needles in my eyes

Swim in shark-infested waters.  Run through a bear cave with raw meat tied to my ass.  Get pulled through broken glass while being dragged from the rear wing of an Indy Car.  Staple my testicles to the ceiling.  Attempt to have an intelligent conversation with Paris Hilton.

All incredibly frightening and dangerous things to try, but all things I’d much rather do than to go shopping (or even “shopping”) on Black Friday.

Next week is Thanksgiving.  It’s on a Thursday this year- AGAIN- and then the next day is what They™ call Black Friday, the day that bazillions of dumb asses shoppers head to malls, outlet stores, and shopping centers starting at 4:00am.  That’s FOUR AM.  In the morning!  Are they insane?!

I don’t care if all female retail industry employees were required to work topless the day after Thanksgiving every year- there is no way in hell you’d catch me at the mall or Tarjé or anywhere like that among 20,000 people.  I think one of the biggest reasons is that in about 1982 or so, I was in high school and I remember seeing news footage of people pushing each other, trampling each other, and getting into actual fights over Cabbage Patch dolls.  Supposedly grown, supposedly well-educated people kicking each other’s asses over a frickin’ doll.  People were getting broken bones and hospital stays.  Virtually every year since, there has been some sort of similar piece of crap that sets people into Rambo mode every year.  The Tickle Me Elmo, the Furby, the Cabbage Patch Kids, the Wii, the Beanie Babies the Couch Dance Barbie… it’s almost always toys.  And, go figure, within a year or less you never hear any mention of that particular item ever again, with the possible exception of the Wii and Cabbage Patch Kids, which seem to be making a comeback, God help us all.

If I were in the midst of that, I’d likely get arrested.  I wouldn’t fight people over stupid toys that they probably want 20 times more than do their children, I’d fight them because they’re frickin’ idiots.  I have a hobby habit of telling people they’re stupid and why.  I remember a woman ahead of me in line at McDonalds one time absolutely throwing a screaming meemie bloody fit because her little angel’s cheeseburger had mustard on it when she specifically asked for NO MUSTARD.  She was screaming, she was cursing, she was demanding her money back AND a new mustardless cheeseburger, she was wanting to know how to get a hold of every corporate guy all the way up to presumably Ronald McDonald himself to get satisfaction over this catastrophic situation that caused her obvious psychological and emotional damage.  Well, I couldn’t resist the urge to explain to her what a fine example she was setting for her child by swearing at a McDonalds manager and his minimum-wage-earning employees over an 89-cent cheeseburger.  So then she turned her aggression on me temporarily which, I’m pretty sure, made me a hero in the eyes of the McDonalds employees, and so I finished my part of the conversation by slapping a dollar on the counter and said “I’ll pay for a new cheeseburger- hell, I’ll even make it for you- if you’ll shut the hell up and let me and everyone else in here eat in peace” and walked away.

For all I know, she’s still there screaming at the fry slinger.

ANY-hooze, my point is that I really don’t like people.  Not ALL people, just stupid people.  I possess enough stupidity of my own (ask anyone); I don’t need people inflicting theirs upon me too.  So I tend to steer clear of situations that will leave me susceptible to people trying to display their stupidity- like Black Friday.

My question to you, the 7 people who read and/or accidentally stumble upon this blog daily, is this:  do you participate in Black Friday?  Do you go out and stand in line at 4am?  Do you sit up the night before and plan out a route of attack?  Hit the mall first, swing over to Toys ‘R Us by 8:30, grab lunch at Olive Garden, then swing down to the Target and be done by 2?  Or are you like me and realize that Black Friday and the 6 weeks following it are the reason God invented the internets?  I’m serious- after Thanksgiving, if I can’t buy it online, it doesn’t get bought.  I hate shopping of any kind anyway.  Actually, I don’t mind “shopping” as long as it entails knowing what you need, going in and buying it, and leaving.  But wandering around with no idea what you’re looking for, especially in the company of 20,000 similar morons, just does not sound like my idea of “shopping”, let alone “fun”.

But tell me your Black Friday plans, your past BF stories, how you spend BF if you don’t go shopping, things like that.