Wake me when it’s over

No, I’m not talking about the State Fair- it’s already over. I didn’t go this year, but I would have, had I had the opportunity. There were some great grandstand acts for the first time in years, and there’s always the favored pastime of cramming oneself full of all things deep fried (for me, it’s gator on a stick and other things only available during mid-August), and making fun of the white trash people-watching. No, I wanted to go, but it just didn’t work out that way. Birthdays, Sliders playoffs, and other more pressing events took precedence.

I am referring to the Olympics.

(A collective *GASP* from the crowd)

I can hear it now: “Johann! How DARE you speak ill of the Olympics?!” Give me a break.

First of all, I hate it how some people will bitch and complain about the President and the war and the deficit and oil prices and basically bitch about everything that is “wrong” with America and how ashamed they are to be called Americans, and then suddenly become a “patriot” and scream “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” louder than Hacksaw Jim Duggan when the Olympics come on.

The Olympics are about as far from anything even remotely resembling “patriotism” as anything I’ve ever seen. It’s not about pride, it’s not about the thrill of competition, it’s not about fair play (dude, it’s sports- there’s no place for fair play in sports). It’s about nothing more than America’s thirst for total domination- essentially, the “my dick’s bigger than yours” philosophy. It has become the simple notion that if 100% destruction of all competition is not achieved, then it is deemed a failure.

I remember a time when the Olympics were a showcase of the world’s best amateur athletes. People that are among the best at what they do simply because they work hard at it and they love their sport. (Or game, or event, or whatever. Let’s not get into that debate yet.) Then a few years ago someone decided to create the so-called “Dream Team” men’s basketball team and stack the deck so heinously in Our favor that We can’t possibly lose. Hell, people, I don’t care how good a team is- you put them up against a team consisting of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, David Robinson, etc., then yes, they’re going to get beaten like a rented mule. The average margin of “Dream Team” victory in the ‘92 Olympics was 43.8 points. That’s ridiculous. That’s basically like a father slamdunking on his four-year-old in the driveway and then acting like it was an actual accomplishment. The other teams were starstruck- there were times when the DT’s opponents would literally stop to watch Jordan (or whomever had the ball at the time) do what he does- and grossly outmatched. The reason NBA players are sent to the Olympics is because Americans can’t handle losing. Personally, I loved seeing the “Dream Team LXVI” get their collective asses handed to them in 2004 or whenever it was. Make that “hearing that the ‘Dream Team LXVI’ got…”. I didn’t see it, and haven’t seen the Olympics pretty much since the days of Mary Lou Retton. Frankly, I won’t mind in the least if the U.S. basketball team gets bitch-slapped again. Oh, and yeah, I know that “other countries send professionals and have for years” and blah blah blah. I’m not talking about them, and even so, it doesn’t make it right. If other countries jumped off a bridge…

I realize I’m the only person left in the world that still believes in parity, level playing fields (literal and figurative), and the spirit of fairness and competition, but holy crap- are we as a country that friggin’ vain that we think Americans must run the table?! Well, y’all are. I don’t root “against” the USA Olympians, but I’m not going to blindly jump on the bandwagon, either. Sometimes there are simply {non-American} athletes that deserve it more. Sure, the Miracle on Ice in 1980 was a great Americana story. Sure, the Kerri Strug thing was a great Americana story. But I can also remember rooting big-time for this little pig-tailed gymnast from Romania in 1976 who was mopping up the mat with her competition. (I’m referring to Nadia Comaneci, genius.) Remember in the ‘84 Olympics in L.A., when Zola Budd and Mary Decker-Slaney collided? To hear the media and the average viewer talk, one would have thought that that accidental collision should have been a prelude to war with South Africa. Not at all different from the dumb-ass Cub fans that STILL think Steve Bartman cost the Cubs the game/playoffs/World Series in two-thousand-whenever it was, or to be fair, those Cardinal fans that still blame that umpire for “causing” the Cardinals to lose the ‘87 World Series. Get over thy selves.

And with regard to this year’s Games, the big story is swimmer Michael Phelps and how he is poised to win an unprecedented number of gold medals. If he doesn’t win gold in every event- or heaven forbid doesn’t even medal in every event- is it considered a failure? If so, that’s pretty pathetic, people. And one other thing, all these medals he’s winning, I sure hope to hell he doesn’t wind up testing positive for anything. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least (and I’m not accusing) but I hope he doesn’t. That’s another problem- it seemed largely confined to track and field at the time, but there was all sorts of controversy in recent (and not-so-recent) Olympic Games with Ben Johnson, Marion Jones, and others winding up getting caught using steroids and HGH and other performance enhancers and getting medals stripped and what not. That’s called “cheating”, people, plain and simple. Cheating is for pussies that can’t win on simple ability or by any other fashion. All I’m saying is I hate seeing people place these yay-hoos on such high pedestals and then be shocked and appalled when they fall from grace or, worse yet, somehow find a way to justify it. And no, it’s obviously not “just” the Olympics, but that’s the lecture at hand, so that’s who gets the brunt of the blame in this post. MLB has received more than their share of blame and ridicule for that here, and will likely get more in the future until players stop testing positive. Dumb asses. At any rate, America being what it has become, if Phelps doesn’t win gold in every event, he better just stay in Beijing, because he’s likely to get ridiculed out of the country anyway.

I am happy and honored to be an American and I am proud of this country. But that is due to the men and women who are defending (and have defended) this country, especially those currently fighting a war that never should have happened, let alone lasted as long as it has. (That’s another issue for another time; if you’re going to argue with me, argue with me about my disdain for the Olympics right now.) I don’t find it the least bit “patriotic” to jump on the Good Ol’ USA™ bandwagon by blindly supporting highly paid and/or juiced up athletes sent to the Olympics to annihilate all competition and then see them turned into pariahs if they don’t succeed. Again, I realize I am the last person alive that actually believes this, but it is an accomplishment simply to make the Olympic team and be considered one of the elite athletes in the entire world in your sport (NBA basketball players excluded). For example, I’m impressed with the girl from Chatham in the synchronized diving event. So she and her partner missed the bronze medal. Was that a failure? Hardly. But then, I was equally impressed with the 21-year-old girl from Jamaica of whom nobody has ever heard that won whatever track race was on last night while I was channel surfing. (Yes, I actually watched about 6 minutes of the Olympics. I feel so unclean.)

It’s okay to be proud of the U.S. Olympic athletes, but it’s also okay when someone else besides an American wins. It’s about the competition for me, and until it returns to being about the competition in the eyes of the media and the American public instead of the lust for complete and total domination of “all them foreigners”, I refuse to give the Olympics any consideration. I find my DVR’ed episodes of Survivor and Big Brother far more interesting, entertaining, and relevant- and far more worth watching.