Don’t eat the yellow snow

That could easily be considered a pretty good tip. It’s short and sweet, it’s sound advice, and it’s common sense.

It could also be considered a pretty shitty tip, if you’re a waiter or waitress. I have left that as a tip before. Written on a napkin, typically.

Today’s cannuva da ass-whip is about tipping. Not cow-tipping, not tractor-tipping, not Q-tips, not fingertips, not tip of the iceberg, not tip back a few pints, but plain and simple tipping. As in, at restaurants and such. There was discussion today about tipping on ESPN Radio, of all places, about tipping, of all things. The concept of tipping is not as “simple” as people try to make it.

First of all, let me first say that I understand that it is a grind being a waiter. (Essentially for the sake of saving keystrokes, the use of the word “waiter” or “waitress” below implies neither gender over the other, but simply means “person who waits tables”. So save me the PC speech.) Anyway, I cannot speak from experience, as I have never waited tables before, but knowing several people that do and/or have, I have heard enough tales of horror and/or woe about being wait staff to be able to make the assumption that it’s not exactly the most appreciated vocation out there. And, I also understand that better looking waiters/waitresses do tend to get more than the… not as better looking ones. The hotties with double-D’s make more than the uggos. Hooters girls make more than the so-called “hash-slingers” at greasy spoons. It’s not fair, but that’s how it is. Nobody said life is fair, folks. I admit, I’m guilty of that as well. I tipped the shit out of a waitress at the Union Station Hooters in St. Louis once for really no other reason than because she was gorgeous, she was stacked, and she sat down and talked to me. (It was 11:30 in the morning and I was literally the only customer there. Write your own fantasy from that point on, if you must; she was simply bored, that’s all. Nothing more.)

Mrs. Johann knows all about it, so shut up.

I understand that waiters in many establishments don’t even make minimum wage (how that works, I still don’t get), so the majority of their income tends to come from tips. I also understand that there are places that pool all the tips and split them evenly among everyone. I think that is ludicrous. Why should the 2 or 3 surly slack-offs who do virtually nothing for their customers get the same amount as the 2 or 3 who are cheerful and bust their asses for their customers? More on that later.

However, being that it is a position so dependent on tips, I also expect a little something in return, and that would be good service. I don’t expect exclusivity in the least; I’m not unreasonable. But if I have to wait 20 minutes or more for you to first come by, or if I have to ask 3 times for a refill on my iced tea and you ultimately never bring it, for example, then you’re not exactly setting yourself up for a good tip. I generally tip according to the service I receive. More on that later as well.

Something I really don’t like is the automatic gratuity. I guess I can at least somewhat understand the concept of automatic gratuity “on parties of 8 or more”, but even so, in my mind that gives the waiter license to give you crappy service. They know they’re already getting their 15%, so what real incentive do they have to even try to earn it? And the answer is, none more incentive. If I’m at a place that does automatic gratuities on all checks, they don’t get a penny more from me unless they bring my dinner to me while turning cartwheels and juggling machetes that are on fire, or at least do something more than simply taking my order and bringing it to me. And speaking of that, what’s this shit about one person takes your order, but somebody else actually brings it to you? What’s that about?!

Sorry… had an Andy Rooney moment there.

Now, as I’m sure many of you are screaming at your monitors right now, I’m honestly not a cheapskate. But damn it, I expect a little something if you’re expecting a decent tip. I have tipped $2 on a $40 check before. I have also tipped $25 on a $40 check before. If the waiter has a decent-to-pleasant disposition (or especially is simply one of those people you just feel like you want to talk to), and at least makes an attempt to keep my water full and replace my fork when I drop it and such, then I have no problem leaving a tip. Conversely, if the waiter has a shitty attitude, and/or drops off my order and is never seen nor heard from again until they drop the check off, then chances are better than average that they’re not going to get the tip they’re probably expecting.

Also, when I feel my waiter has earned an especially substantial tip, I will typically give it to them personally, with the understanding that what I am handing them is for them and them alone. I am not tipping to the dishwasher and busboy. It’s not that they don’t deserve a little extra now and again, but their role in the dining experience, as it relates to me, occurs after I’ve already left the restaurant. I never even see them. Again, that’s not meant as an offense on them or their position. I was a busboy and a dishwasher before, but I did nothing to earn a tip from the diners themselves. If it is the waiter who has been knocking themselves out for me and my party, then s/he is who I expect to receive my tip.

There was a time shortly after my second L’il Johann was born that we all went out to dinner at a “grille & bar”-type of restaurant, the name of which contains a fruit which tastes especially good covered in caramel and stuck on a stick. Anyway, L’il Johann #2 got sick- really, really sick- and Mrs. Johann had to rush him into the bathroom before he wound up horking on everyone in there and causing a group puke. After their being in the bathroom for about 20 minutes, our waitress came to the table and told me that my wife asked her to tell L’il Johann #1 and me to finish eating and she’d meet us at home. (We just happened to drive separately to dinner that night as I had been sleeping, since I was working night shift at the time.)

Anyway, as it turned out, the waitress, who was a terrific waitress anyway, had seen Mrs. Johann rush into the bathroom with the baby and went in to check on her. She asked if there was something she could do for her, to which my wife handed her the baby and said “hold him” and proceeded to strip off her baby-puke-soaked shirt. Luckily, it was still cool outside and she had a jacket to wear out… plus, you need to appreciate that my wife calls herself a “sympathetic vomiter”. All she needs to do is smell it (and in some cases, just hear it) and she joins in.

Anyway, the waitress stayed in there holding the baby while my wife rinsed out her shirt in the sink, trying to keep herself from spewing all over the bathroom. Mrs. Johann took the baby back, so the waitress could go back to her duties. A little while later, the waitress returned to the bathroom and asked if she was all right, and could she do something for her, or could she give me a message for my wife. Mrs. Johann gave her the aforementioned message, and left.

Upon hearing from the waitress everything that occurred, my oldest son and I finished our dinner, I left a $15 tip on a $27 check, and I put a $20 in her hand for what she did for my wife, and told her that regardless of what their tip policy was, I expect that to stay in her pocket. She didn’t have to stay in the bathroom with her as long as she did; hell, she didn’t have to go in there at all. But she did. I appreciated it and tipped her what I felt she earned.

Now that was, admittedly, an extremely unique set of circumstances, but it nonetheless illustrates my point. I can be a very good tipper, but you had better do more than simply take my order if you want to earn it. Good service merits a good tip. Shitty service merits… well, the title of this post.