Welcome to the White Trash Expo

There’s an article in today’s SJ-R about the grand opening of a new Wal-Mart “super store” in Jacksonville.

How is this news? Is it THAT slow a news day in Central Illinois that our paper has to waste space on opening a store, especially one as shitty as Wal-Mart?

I just do not understand the appeal of Wal-Mart. First of all, any and all Wal-Marts I’ve ever been to are friggin’ dumps. Their aisles are barely big enough for two people to walk side by side comfortably in, let alone if they have carts (or “buggies”, for you Wal-Mart devotees out there). They’re usually set up poorly, though admittedly not as poorly as the Springfield My-jurr is. And I’ve yet to find a Wal-Mart that is staffed by people who are even a fraction as friendly, helpful, or as cheerful as they are portrayed in their TV commercials. And yeah, I know that applies to at least most, if not all, big national stores (Home Depot, fast food places, etc.), but can Wal-Mart employees be a more pissy, surly, and morose bunch of people? I understand that they’ve GOT to be greatly disappointed with their choice of employer, but holy crap. They made the choice to work there; the least they could do is even attempt to embrace it.

There is the aspect of how the “big box” stores like Wal-Mart (and they are not the only one, admittedly) come rolling into unsuspecting towns and put countless “hometown” or “mom and pop” places, many of which had previously been in business for decades or longer, out of business because they simply can’t compete with big national ripoff discount chains.

Then, of course, there is the clientèle. That’s a fancy French word meaning “people who patronize a place of business”. The grand majority of Wal-Mart shoppers that I have observed the few times I’ve been to Wal-Mart seem to be these slack-jawed booger-eating white trash pieces of DNA flotsam and jetsam who consider a trip to Wal-Mart to be the hillbilly equivalent of a Disney vacation. They get dressed up in their best “Who Farted?” t-shirts and their NASCAR ball caps and drag the whole family to Inbred Utopia and spend the whole day there. Yeeeee-haawwwwwww!

I have looked at Wal-Mart ads in the paper; true, they do occasionally have decent prices (aka the “Price Rollback”) on some things at time, but their {gouged} prices aren’t even remotely worth the emotional trauma of setting foot into one of these wastelands. The only thing I ever go into Wal-Mart for is to buy a fishing license once a year, and that’s only if I don’t have time to run by Jim’s Live Bait & Tackle (1016 W. Iles, 787-1951) on the way to Sangchris.

I try my hardest to MAKE the time.

I just can’t understand what the huge appeal is of Wal-Mart. But then, it keeps people out of the stores I do go to, so I guess Wal-Mart does serve one purpose. There is a reason Wal-Mart has the stigma it does (i.e. “Maverick is the Wal-Mart of restaurants”, or “Ford Escorts are the Wal-Mart of cars”, for example… and you can insert the restaurant or car of your choice, or create your own simile- the idea is the same). I dogged on coffee, beer, and water snobs in recent posts; I admit full well I am a “shopping snob” when it comes to Wal-Mart (and not the least bit ashamed of it). Wal-Mart deserves all the negativity it gets, no matter in what form. They make K-Marts look like Bloomingdale’s or Saks.

Construction is still in progress on Wal-Mart #3 in Springfield (to my knowledge, it’s not open yet…). This city barely needs one Wal-Mart, let alone three. Oh, but two of them are “super stores”? Well, lah-dee-freakin’-dah. I’d rather waste gas driving 20 miles out of my way and then pay twice as much than to piss money away at a place like Wal-Mart.

To the SJ-R: surely there could have been SOMETHING more deserving of your ink than the opening of another of these dumps. And to Wal-Mart shoppers: good Lord, people, grow some self-respect and shop at a real store. Like what, you ask? Like damn near anywhere but Wal-Mart.