Snobbery comes in many forms

Today’s bitchfest is about snobs.

Not necessarily snobs in the “normal” sense of the word, like the rich girl in high school that thought WAY too much of herself and the Audi that Daddy bought her on her Sweet 16. There were quite a few of those at SSHS in the early 80’s, thanks to the kids who lived on the lake. A perfect example are the quartet of bimbos from “Mean Girls“.

I’m talking about item-specific snobs.

For example, you have car snobs. You all know them- people who call their car by its manufacturer or model, instead of just calling it a car, as in “my Beemer has diamond-encrusted accents”, or “I just had power ball scratchers installed in the Lexus”. People that really believe that what you drive tells people what kind of person you are. To an extent, I guess that is true. Most people that drive BMWs and Lexuses (Lexi?) and {insert mid-life crisis sports car of your choice here} usually are shallow pretentious asswipes. But it’s got nothing to do with the car, it’s got to do with the shallow pretentious asswipe driving it. It’s a friggin’ car, Biff. Get over yourself. Your $57,000 dick substitute makes you no better than the guy tooling around in the ‘72 Buick Opel. Or me in my daddy car. Dumb ass.

Then there are the far more populous coffee snobs. I admit, I have become a major, MAJOR anti-coffee-snob snob, just out of principle. The coffee snob has just sort of been genetically engineered in the last decade and a half or so, thanks to the Starbuckses and Paneras and Barnes & Nobles and all the other pretentious coffeehouses, whether corporate or Mumsy and Daddy (snob-ese for “Mom & Pop”) that have raped and impregnated the landscape from here to Rancho Cuc-amanga. Coffee snobs not only drink that nasty-ass Euro-trash crappacheeno, but they actually look down on those of us that don’t buy in to it. And that’s just it- it doesn’t even bother me that people drink that dysentery in a cup- to each their own- but the reason why at least some people drink it. It’s trendy to. It’s “cool” to. It’s “chic” to. What a bunch of fucking lambs. Frankly, the coffee isn’t all that great at those places, folks. Pretty much any greasy spoon diner makes better coffee. Hell, I can make it a hell of a lot better at home- and for a lot less money. For what you pay for two or maybe three cups of that swill at Starbucks, I can get an entire 3-lb-plus can at the grocery store that lasts me for over a month. I won’t even get into having to learn a whole set of jargon just to order. Tall. Venti. Dolce. Skinny. Starbucks.com has a downloadable “A Lesson in Coffee Speak” file to teach budding coffee snobs how to “properly” order. Give me a friggin’ break. Whatever happened to small, medium, and large?! Worse yet, in some places, “tall” is actually the smallest size. Duuhhhhhh, gee, Tennessee. Even McDonald’s has started catering to coffee snobs. Finally- I can drink premium McCoffee as a companion to my McBiscuits and McGravy.

I like going in these types of places and ordering a cup of plain black coffee just to watch the idiot 19-year-old chickie, called a “barista” (apparently, coffee snob tradespeople get to invent titles for themselves- where I come from, people that serve coffee are called “waitresses”), with way too many facial piercings get that deer-in-the-headlights look and go find the manager for instruction. Not to mention the simple fact that you completely ruin coffee by putting shit in it, whether it’s milk, sugar, cream, chocolate, fruit flavor, nut flavor, mint flavor, or whatever. But that’s just me. Drink it black, the way nature intended. About the only non-black coffee I would even consider drinking is Irish coffee, because I like my coffee like I like my women: full of booze.

What? How else would a guy like me have been able to get married?

Then we have the beer snobs.

Beer is the alcoholic beverage that the common ordinary folks- those that aren’t wine snobs- drink. Beer is universal- it goes with everything. Steak. Pizza. Wings. Tacos. Seafood. Doesn’t matter what you’re eating- with a few exceptions, I suppose, if you can eat it, you can drink beer with it. Alas, even beer has been invaded by snobbery.

Some people are beer snobs out of the aforementioned “chic” factor. Some are beer snobs out of the whole “death to the large corporation” factor. (But I have news for you, you “fight the power” beer drinkers- Blue Moon is made by Coors. Keep sticking it to The Man.) Some are beer snobs simply because they don’t care for the taste of most mass-produced beer. And that’s fine- that’s their choice. I don’t agree, but again, to each their own.

Personally, I think Anheuser-Busch makes fine, fine beer. Budweiser, Bud Light, and my new favorite (and even it borders on “snobbery” somewhat), Michelob Amber Bock, among others. I drink MGD and Miller Lite. I drink Coors and Coors Light. And I even drink Corona. Sometimes with a lime, sometimes without. Admittedly, there are some brands that I am “snobbish” about (Milwaukee’s “Best”, PBR, Hamms, things like that), but that’s more out of good taste (in both senses of the phrase) than being snobbish. Some of those, especially the Beast, are just plain awful. Now there are pale ales, stouts, imperial stouts, darks, and numerous other “craft beers”, as they’re apparently called (complete with more categories and sub-categories than one can shake a stick at), and the inconceivable “seasonal” varieties that are only available at certain times of the year. Who the hell wants to wait 10 months to drink a beer? Bud Light is in the cooler 24/7/365. Waiting around for a certain type of beer makes no sense. It just means you’re way too picky.

Microbrews, at least the very few that I have sampled, suck. They taste extremely bitter and have an aftertaste that is reminiscent to me of that taste in your mouth after you’ve vomited beer. Especially darks. Dark beer looks, smells, and tastes like a glass of Red Man spit. Not that I’ve ever drunk a glass of Red Man spit, but you get my point. And some beer-snob beers come flavored. Some are flavored with anise, ginger, allspice, even cinnamon. There’s raspberry beer and cherry beer and peach beer, among numerous other flavors. There’s one kind that smells like Fruity Pebbles- and even tastes a little like Fruity Pebbles. Well, okay, Fruity Pebbles that had beer poured on them and were left to sit outside for a week in August, but you can still get a small Fruity Pebble “bouquet”. There are even pumpkin-flavored beers. A lot of beer snobs are probably laughing at me for admitting I occasionally drink Corona with a lime. At least with that, I can choose whether or not I want the citrus flavor. And at least it’s actual lime flavor from an actual lime. I’m not stuck with some sour fake “flavor” whether I want it or not.

As with the coffee snob, I don’t begrudge the beer snob for their choice of beers. Just don’t get all uppity on me for not having your supposed refined tastes. I like normal beer, just as I like normal coffee. Sue me. Maybe I am just a neanderthalic simpleton. Or, maybe it’s just a generational thing. There just weren’t many non-AB, Coors, or Miller beers (i.e. mass-produced, “corporate” beers) around when I… well, let’s just say when I was honing my beer palate. Maybe if there were, I’d have more of a taste for some of the little weenie yuppie beers that are out there nowadays. But then, there are a lot of 50-and-up-year-olds that drink little weenie yuppie beers, so I guess that kind of kills the generational argument. Neanderthalic simpleton it is, I guess. Guilty as charged.

Beer should taste like beer, and coffee should taste like coffee. Beer should be cold, coffee should be hot. It’s just how it is. And if you judge people on the kind of car they drive, so you shall be judged as well on yours.

Therefore, sorry about your impotence.