Another disingenuous holiday in the books

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I was all set to post this yesterday, on Valentine’s Day, but my “conscience” got the better of me. (I know, it sounded funny to me, too.) Anyway, I decided not to put a little raincloud on everyone’s “special” day (also, I didn’t get time to actually type it up), and decided to post this today. So that being said, here goes:

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Yeessssssssssssss!!!

Is there any more ridiculous, contrived, meaningless holiday than Valentine’s Day? I think not. First of all, the only people who benefit from VD (meaning “Valentine’s Day”, not “venereal disease”, though both have about equal significance in life, as far as I’m concerned) are the Hallmark Corporation and snotty pretentious women who have significant others that make (and spend) enough cabbage to keep them happy. Or quiet. Or both.

Where shall I start- first of all, this post gives a nice little lesson to us loser men with regard to what and what not to buy for VD (maybe I should abbreviate it “V-Day”…), and also very helpfully explains what all our loser gift ideas “say”, either about us or about what we’re supposedly “saying” about her by giving her the P.O.S. gifts we give. If you want to read the post, fine, but I can sum it up in three words: make… it… expensive. Some highlights:

• “Flowers: … a dozen red roses are safest. But then, red roses are so passé. And hey, flowers are only an accompaniment- they are not a gift!”
• “Chocolates: … none of us will like the stuff you get in the grocery store. … No, it has to be Swiss chocolate or the gourmet stuff. … But chocolates are not gifts by themselves. Unless, perhaps, they’re gold-coated chocolate hearts (or the $25,000 Frrrozen Haute Chocolate). Otherwise, they are just accompaniments to the main thing.”
• “Perfumes: No way. What are you telling us- that we smell? Plus, we don’t think too highly of your taste in perfumes anyway. You are very likely to buy something that smells like old leather shoes. …”
• “Jewelry: We love diamonds, of course. You cannot go wrong with diamond earrings, or pendants. What’s more, diamonds do count as gifts (with or without the roses). … Don’t buy us the cheap cubic zirconia instead, we will always know the difference. … Whatever you do, never buy those cheesy heart-shaped earrings. Do you really think we would like them, or wear them to work?”

I could go on; that’s merely a few of the pissy, petty little requirements presented to a worldwide blog-reading audience. Call me a cherry-picker if you must, but I’m sensing a theme here: P-R-E-T-E-N-T-I-O-U-S G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R. Don’t believe me? Read the whole post and see for yourself. To be fair, the author did categorize it in “Humor”. If it was in fact meant as a joke, satire, or whatever, I’m not amused.

Then there was the blip in the SJ-R yesterday where readers had submitted their plans, gifts they were giving, gifts they wanted, etc., for V-Day. There were your typical “dinners with the hubby/wife”, “flowers and chocolates”, “nothing”, things like that, and then there was this little gem, pardon the pun:

Candy? HA! Indicates “diet issues”. Lingerie? HA! Warrants a “Not in the mood issues”. Flowers? HA! Pay big money for something that dies in hours. The only true choice is jewelry!

My, aren’t we a greedy bitch high-maintenance?! People, this “holiday” is supposed to be about expressing one’s love for their… well, their “true love”. Now, with regard to that statement, that really kind of leaves single, divorced, widowed, and otherwise unattached people S.O.L. from the get-go, doesn’t it? Secondly, the cost of the gift that is given should have no bearing on the actual or perceived amount of “love” the giver has for the recipient. The man that gets his wife nothing more than a card and tells her “I love you” is no less a good husband than the man that buys his wife a $10,000 necklace. Actually, just the opposite is true, as far as I’m concerned. A billion-fold. Not to mention, the former is a helluva lot smarter.

Also, look at V-Day cards themselves. First off, they sell “to my one true love” V-Day cards. In convenient boxes of 12. Secondly, the fact that one can buy V-Day cards for one’s spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/love slave, one’s kids, one’s grandkids, one’s parents, one’s siblings, one’s siblings’ kids, one’s grandparents, one’s pets (WTF?!), one’s grandparents’ pets, one’s co-workers, one’s co-workers’ pets’ grandparents, and pretty much any other person or animal that one encounters in the course of their lives, really rather waters down the whole idea behind this ridiculously stupid day. I mean, I have no problem buying my kids V-Day cards (which I did, and they loved them) or even small inexpensive gifts some years, since they’re my kids and I love them more than I love anyone or anything on God’s green earth (save maybe for their mother), but since, apparently, anyone can be anyone else’s “valentine”, it pretty much defeats the whole “special someone” purpose. You’re special. But so are you. And you. And you, too. And you over there. And you- what’s your name? Pehhh, doesn’t matter- you’re special too.

At risk of pissing off any women that may read this, V-Day is basically a woman’s holiday. Ask the majority of men what they want for V-Day, and they’ll likely say “nothing”. Or maybe “a hummer”- that’s just how most men are. But most men, truthfully, really could care less about V-Day. Many women (I did NOT say “all women”, so don’t get your knickers in a twist, ladies) want and/or expect flowers, diamonds, chocolates, expensive dinners, and oodles and oodles of “romance”. Honestly, that really kind of pisses all over the romantic aspect of it if it’s expected. Basically, ladies, you’re expecting your loser husband or boyfriend to jump through all these hoops and shower you with expensive gifts to “prove” he loves you. Nice. Women tend to put way too much thought into, and place far too much importance on, V-Day and romance in general, IMHO.

Oh, I’d be remiss if I didn’t link to this at some point in this diatribe- read this for a great, GREAT V-Day story that really kind of {far less caustically} backs up that last paragraph- or at least the last sentence- with the Zits comic at the end as a perfect exclamation point. (You have to know the author of the post to fully appreciate the relevance of the comic, even beyond the fact that the comic basically mirrors the story.)

Don’t get me wrong- romance is fine. I have no problem with romance or trying to be romantic- but ladies, everyone’s idea of “romance” is different. Maybe your man’s idea of romance is ordering a pizza and NOT watching sports. Maybe your man’s idea of romance is a hot sweaty romp in the sack. Maybe your man’s idea of romance is that YOU give HIM flowers. Maybe your man’s idea of romance is actually a horse-drawn carriage ride and a fondue dinner. Maybe your man’s idea of romance ought to be considered in the first place, little Miss “It’s All About Me”. But there again, most men just really want to do whatever will make their women happy, even if it makes them miserable. That’s just how we are.

Even so, did you take a second away from your Things I Demand For The Perfect Spontaneous Valentine’s Day Checklist to consider what he might want (or, for that matter, should be able to “expect”) from you on V-Day? Not even taking into account the icky sexual ramifications of that question, he just might want flowers and/or candy himself. He just might want a nice dinner, whether cooked at home or eaten at a restaurant. He might want a book. He might want his favorite movie on DVD. He might, heaven forbid, just want to hear you say you love him. Why is V-Day always about only what the woman wants? Isn’t it a two-way street? Look at it this way- how would (do) YOU feel if (when) he expects a bunch of far-fetched things or high-ticket gifts of you? Okay, then. What’s good for the goose…

It’s like this: wanting “romance” is like drinking alcohol. A little now and again in moderation is fine, but too much at one time can seriously impair your judgment. What I mean by that is that many women’s idea of what “romance” entails is often this ornate, elaborate fantasy (usually, á la the most recent chick flick or episode of Grey’s Anatomy that they may have watched), full of ridiculously high expectations, that realistically and/or logistically can’t possibly be achieved, to which whatever he does come up with will be harshly compared and thus doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of being as good as what she had in mind. And again, pardon the generalization, but I didn’t say “all women”, so bite me.

As for me, I gave Mrs. Johann a vacuum cleaner for V-Day a few years ago. Why? Because I’m an insensitive prick, right, ladies? This time, that answer is wrong. The correct answer is because it was what she wanted and it was what she asked for. I was, admittedly, petrified at the idea of buying her a vacuum cleaner for V-Day, even if she DID say she wanted it. But get this: she loved it, we still use it, and we’re still very, VERY happily married. I very quickly concede that there is absolutely nothing romantic about a vacuum cleaner. But what IS romantic is that we love each other every day and don’t need some obligatory-exchange-of-gifts day to prove it. Matter of fact, in our world, our anniversary is a far more important day of celebrating our love than is V-Day. We express our love for each other in bits and pieces every day, not superficially on one single day. But that’s just us. Y’all do what you want.

Also, with regard to the whole flowers-on-V-Day thing, Mrs. Johann would much rather receive a $3 rose I picked up at a gas station on some random day than the obligatory dozen roses on V-Day. In her words, the gas station rose says to her “I was thinking about you for no special reason”, whereas the V-Day roses say “I bought these because I figure you’re expecting them”. (In case you’re wondering, this year Mrs. Johann and I exchanged cards- including one I gave her that I butchered wrote in Spanish- and “I love you”s and gave cards to our kids, basically because they are kids. That was the extent of V-Day in the Johann house. And strangely enough, we all still love each other even more today than we did yesterday.)

Truth be told, I’m honestly not faulting anyone- male or female- that wants, expects, gives, or receives flowers, candy, jewelry, cars, or whatever on Valentine’s Day. To each their own. Just don’t look down on Mrs. Johann and me for not buying into it. Literally or figuratively.