Chicks dig the dirty ones

When I was a kid in the 70’s, there were all kinds of shows on TV that had “cool” guys on them. A lot of them were cop/detective shows- things like The Rockford Files, S.W.A.T., Starsky & Hutch, Hawaii Five-O, Kojak, The Rookies, that sort of thing. Even The Six Million Dollar Man, unrealistic as it was, was a pretty cool show. There was CHiPs as well, but one must admit that it was cheesier than a horseshoe. One I really liked was Emergency. Remember that show? The one about the paramedics? With Randolph Mantooth and Kevin Tighe? And Julie London as Nurse Dixie McCall? Great show.

Anyway, as I have bitched about numerous times on this blog, TV nowadays sucks, even in comparison to the cheesy 70’s cop dramas. The “cool”est character on television in at least the last 15 years has been Homer Simpson, hands down. Certainly a fitting choice, but still pretty sad that an animated character is far more “cool”, interesting, or even watchable than pretty much any character played by a live actor.

And don’t go all technical on me, saying that voice-overs are done by “live actors”… you know what I mean, wise-ass.

What’s funny is that the coolest guys on TV nowadays aren’t on sit-coms, crappy chick shows about whorish housewives and/or bedhopping doctors, or ridiculously far-fetched “action” shows whose title is coincidentally the same number of hours in a day. Or one that is set on a desert island, upon which brand new characters inexplicably keep popping up. No, the cool guys are on TLC and the Discovery Channel. In some sort of order, I’m sure (though I haven’t a clue just what order they’re in), here are my picks for the Coolest Guys on Television:

The American Chopper guys. The Teutuls (hope that’s right… I’ve seen it spelled about 472 different ways on the Internets), Paul Jr., Paul Sr., and Mike (l-r), own and operate Orange County Choppers, at which they build these really friggin’ awesome motorcycles and they swear a lot. How can that not be considered cool? They’ve built a bike with a Spider-Man theme, they’ve built a bike out of copper commemorating the Statue of Liberty, they’ve built bikes for numerous celebrities. For a gallery of some of the bikes they’ve built, click here.They’re bad-ass guys but they also have soft sides which makes them decent human beings worth paying attention to, instead of simple poster children for testosterone-driven knuckle-dragging mouth-breathing Neanderthals. You know who you are.

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The artists from Miami Ink. Pictured left to right are Kat Von D (she’s actually got her own shop and, not coincidentally, her own TLC show now, called L.A. Ink, but she got her start with these guys- I may have to do something on her later… hmmmm, that came out wrong…), Chris Nuñez, Ami James, Chris Garver, Darren Brass, and Yoji Harada. These guys are phenomenal artists and create exquisite tattoos. Their clients have run the gamut from nerdy pocket-protector-type guys to grandparents to barely-dressed models to downright friggin’ scary people. The show documents the day-to-day operation of their South Beach shop, chronicles their lives away from the shop, and gives background into the lives of the artists as well as their clients. Say what you will about tattoo artists and their clients- tattoos are a part of today’s culture now, folks. Tattoos are no longer worn by just sailors and hookers; you’d be shocked at how many “normal” people have tattoos now. Teachers, bankers, people you would never believe would “desecrate their bodies” in such a way sport intricate ink. If I ever have occasion to go to Miami, I will bestow unto myself the honor of a Chris Garver tattoo. Hence why Mrs. Johann will not be taking me to Miami any time soon.

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The MythBusters, better known as Adam Savage (left) and Jamie Hyneman. These guys are 1000% certified grade A geek, but they are SO cool. Each week, they test the validity of 2-3 “myths”- various tales passed down through folklore, urban legends, etc.- and try to prove scientifically whether these myths can be confirmed (it can happen as the myth was presented), are plausible (it is reasonably possible though some factors may have to be altered or eliminated), or are busted (there’s no way in hell it can happen). A good portion of what makes the show so cool, among many other things, is that they blow shit up in the name of “science” (and sometimes just for the sake of blowing shit up). They routinely break out heavy firearms. They blew a cement truck up to the point where there was literally nothing left of it. Of course it also helps that they have a completely babe-alicious associate, Kari Byron, who routinely dons bikinis and other hot little outfits- again, in the name of “science”. More on her in a future post as well, I’m sure. The only real negative I have on these guys is that, while still entertaining to watch, sometimes the “myths” they test are somewhat silly. Many that fall into that category are movie myths, where they try to see if something that happened in a movie can occur in “real life”. Oddly enough, almost all of the movie myths get busted. Go figure.

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The crews from Deadliest Catch. These guys are insane, plain and simple. This show documents fishermen catching crabs. Ummm… let me rephrase that: this show documents crab fishermen sailing out to the Bering Sea off Dutch Harbor, Alaska, braving wicked swells, ice, and grueling, physical, often round-the-clock shifts in the hopes of catching enough Opilio (commonly referred to as “snow” crab) and king crab to at least break even, or heaven forbid actually make some money. My two favorite captains, pictured above with their crews, are Phil Harris of the Cornelia Marie and Sig Hansen of the Northwestern. Watching the show, you actually find yourself getting caught up in the brutal hell these guys go through just so people like you and I can go to the Crimson Crustacean and other similar places and engorge ourselves on crab legs. Every time I eat crab legs now, since getting hooked (pardon the pun) on the show, I have a much larger appreciation for how they got on my plate.

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However, the coolest guy on all of television has GOT to be Mike Rowe, bar none. His show, Dirty Jobs, is perhaps the most entertaining show running. He goes all over the country to explain and help perform various jobs where the workers get extremely filthy. Everything from exterminator to whale autopsy technician to ostrich wrangler to pig farmer to garbageman, plus a plethora of jobs I never even knew existed. He is extremely entertaining, he has a very dry wit but is still quite funny, he’s a good looking guy, he knows a lot about history and literature (so he’s got a brain, ladies), he used to sing with the Baltimore Opera, and he’s got a really cool speaking voice. Perhaps- perhaps- in the Top 3 best voices of all time, up there with James Earl Jones and James Coburn. Speaking of his voice, he also happens to narrate American Chopper and Deadliest Catch, an element which helps make those two that much more enjoyable to watch. He does commercials for Ford trucks, among other products. Why, he even got his start hawking various worthless crap on QVC in the 90’s.

You can keep your Jack Bauers, your Dr. McDreamys (what a stupid name), and everyone else. For my money, Mike Rowe is The Coolest Guy On Television.

(NOTE TO READERS: I’m having a hard time coming up with something substantial about which to write, as well as the energy to scan other blogs for ideas to steal, like I usually do. I apologize for the extra-high lameness quotient of this post.)