My new law enforcement hero

As of the first of the year, CourtTV became truTV. I never watched CourtTV, so I can’t really say I’ll miss it. Near as I can tell, Court TV basically showed Cops a lot, and then had courtroom and forensic shows that were “actual” versions of what seemed to be a mix of the two series Law & Order and C.S.I. Again, I never really watched CourtTV, so I’m not devastated by the loss. In the commercials leading up to the changeover, this new “truTV” appears to consist of Cops and its clones, with some World’s Most Something-or-Other Videos and World’s Dumbest People of Some Sort mixed in for good measure. Their big tagline is “truTV: Not ‘Reality’, ‘Actuality’.” Not something I’ll necessarily be all giddy about watching, but I’ll probably check it out here and there.

So yesterday, I stagger downstairs around 9:30 or so with my alcohol-free hangover (see post below), we watch the Tournament of Roses Parade, and then someone turns this truTV on. Not even close to being in the mood to argue, I just watched it. I’ll be damned if we didn’t have that friggin’ channel on the entire friggin’ day. It never even crossed my mind to flip over to check out the Rose Bowl “game”, in which USC absolutely sodomized the University of Chief Illiniwek, exactly as I predicted would happen. Anyway, so we’re watching this truTV all day, right? They were having marathons of Beach Patrol: Honolulu and Ocean Force, shows which are basically a cross between Cops and Baywatch. I am assuming the Baywatch part, anyway, since I can very confidently say I have never watched a single second of Baywatch. Beach Patrol: Honolulu is about the lifeguards and their various rescues and other jobs. Seems that rip currents are a huge issue in Hawaii. Rip currents and jellyfish. Then this Ocean Force kinda throws in the whole Cops vibe, as it focuses more on the actual beach police than the lifeguards.

There appear to be two versions of Ocean Force- the Huntington Beach, CA version and the Panama City, FL version. Panama City deals more with the idiot high-school and college kids that go to spring break and get way too drunk and do stupid shit that high-school and college kids that drink too much do. Panama City is where my new law enforcement hero comes from.

Her name is Officer Sarah Butler. She is one bad-ass cop. She’s hot- and “normal woman” hot, not that “Stacy from T.J. Hooker that real cops don’t look like” hot. I never understood that appeal anyway- Heather Locklear has never really done much for me. Anyway, Ofcr. Butler can’t weigh more than 115 (including her duty belt) but she doesn’t take shit off of anybody. She gets right in the face of men twice her size that could easily knock the living shit out of her, and somehow winds up winning the confrontation. Best of all (besides being hot), she’s a wise-ass. Not only will she write you a citation, but she’ll punk you out while doing so. She is awesome.

They had a show with a guy that was repeatedly mooning the police helicopter from the beach, so the helicopter radioed down to Ofcr. Butler to go remove said ass-flasher (and chalk-white ass it was, too… eeeeew) from the beach. She trudges down to the water and finds the guy who, strangely enough, had been drinking (No!) and got extremely belligerent right off the bat (the hell you say!). So dude starts getting all testosterony (because that’s what the chicks like, naturally) with his marginally buff chest all puffed out, and starts his whole “I ain’t fuckin’ doin’ nothin’” spiel. She asks him, then tells him, to leave the beach. I believe her exact words were “get your shit and go”. Dumb-ass drunk dude turns to almost square off on her, saying “you can’t touch me” and all this, to which she responds by grabbing his wrist and spinning his drunk ass around and cuffing him and then leads him off the beach. And once she’s got him sitting on the ground by her squad car and writing him citations for indecent exposure and resisting arrest, suddenly Mr. Bud Light Bravado has become Ofcr. Butler’s bitch. He’s all screaming because his cuffs are too tight, and best of all, has suddenly started calling her “ma’am”. It was awesome.

I won’t detail every call to which Ofcr. Butler responded, but I have to share this one where she pulls over a pickup full of Alabama hillbillies who had been weaving all over the strip. So she walks up to the driver and gets his license and insurance info and then walks back to her squad car to run his information. There was a camera on her, and a camera that stayed at the truck full o’ rednecks. Redneck driver was soliloquizing (?) to the camera about “how hawt that there PO-leese officer is”, at that “drunk whisper” level. You know, just under a shout? So Ofcr. Butler is back there at her car hearing all this, and just laughing her ass off. While, of course, still writing Bubba Joe Billy Ray Joe Bob’s citations out. She comes back up to the truck full o’ rednecks where Bubba is still thinking he’s got a chance to nail a cop, and she presents him with three citations. He says “aw, man, and here I thought y’alls was hawt”, to which she replies without missing a beat, “aw, now see what you’ve done- I have one feeling left and you’ve just hurt it”. That was a hilarious friggin’ comeback, especially when thrown at some dumb-ass drunk teenage hillbilly with a boner.

Unfortunately, the truTV website doesn’t have Ofcr. Butler’s picture or bio posted (yet, hopefully). They also don’t make any mention of the Panama City version of the show even existing, other than differentiating between it and Huntington Beach in the schedule listings. With any luck, they will get on the ball and get Ofcr. Butler and her fellow officers posted on the site and give them their due. She’s the best reason to watch either version of Ocean Force, and so far, Ocean Force is by far the best reason to have this truTV network on.

Told Mrs. Johann we may need to go to Panama City for vacation just so I can get arrested by Ofcr. Butler. Mrs. Johann seemed okay with that.  And I’m okay with that.

I think.  Hmmm…