Men vs. women

It’s a wonder men and women can hook up at all. There are so many huge differences between men and women (and so many things about men that can easily turn women off and vice versa) that it makes you wonder how one could possibly be attracted to the other.

Television: Men watch stupid shit like wrestling and UFC and pimp-my-car (or truck or motorcycle or wheelchair or cropduster or Jetski or Segway or whatever) types of shows. Women watch stupid shit like Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, and Oprah Winfrey.

Shopping: Men will pay $2 for a $1 item they need. Women will pay $1 for a $2 item they don’t need. For most men, “shopping” involves knowing what you are going to buy, going in the store, buying it, and leaving. For most women, “shopping” can occur even if you don’t have a dime in your pocket. “Shopping”, to women, means picking up 3 or 4 {dozen} of one’s “closest friends” and just wandering around the mall, sucking on a Crappuccino, looking at and trying on shit you have absolutely no intention of buying.

Nights out: Men typically try to see that as many of their buds as possible get laid every time they go out. Women will actually sabotage each other- even their own “girls”. Also, if a man sees another man wearing the same shirt he’s wearing, they’ll nod at each other and exchange a “nice shirt, dude” look. If a woman sees another woman in the same blouse or dress she’s wearing, it’s a friggin’ “oh no she dii-iint” catastrophe and “ONE of them is going to have to change and it sure as HELL ain’t gonna be me”!

Dancing: Women see dancing as a recreational activity, a pastime, or a terrific form of expression. Men see dancing as something they HAVE to do if they want any chance of getting laid.

Movies: Most men go to movies to see two things: naked women and stuff getting blown up. Most women go to movies for a good story that will make them laugh, make them cry, make them think, make them ponder existentialism, etc.  Men don’t want to have to think.  And therefore don’t.

Sports: Men can sit through three hours of football, or baseball, or whatever, without saying a word. Women ask questions through the whole game.

Colors: Most men know the following colors: black, white, grey, red, blue, yellow, green, orange, brown, and purple. Everything else is a variation of one of those colors, but is still considered to be one of those colors. Women apparently know more colors than what have been invented yet. Things aren’t yellow; they’re mustard and chiffon and lemon and daffodil and… things aren’t green; they’re hunter and kelly and forest and artichoke and… apparently, you are required to name every single most fractionally slight variation of a color with food names, then when those run out you use flower names, then spices, and then I guess you can just start making shit up. Oh, and don’t get me started on things like fuschia, chartreuse, and puce. (Puce… the word makes it sound like it should represent greenish-yellowish-brown.)

Bathroom use: Women apparently cannot pee by themselves when in public. Apparently it is a social event in the women’s restroom. Men, on the other hand, apparently believe that talking to another man while in the bathroom makes you a flaming homo. As though your penises will somehow touch if any words are exchanged while you’re pissing. Oh, and heaven forbid you arbitrarily pick a urinal next to another man when there is another one open that will place at least one between you. If there are 5 urinals, for example, apparently only the 1st, 3rd, and 5th may be used simultaneously at any given time. Using #2 or #4 when #1, #3, and #5 are occupied apparently makes you a pole greaser of the highest order. Also, women tend to turn on the water in the sink or whatever, in case, God forbid, someone hears them pee or fart or whatever. With men, you’re lucky if the stall door (or the regular door itself) isn’t wide open.

Preening: Women seem to feel the need to constantly check the rear-view mirror, their little compact thingies in their purse, or head to the bathroom to check their hair, their lips, their teeth, their cleavage, or whatever. Then you have men, who walk by mirrors and feel compelled to pretend they’re Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania, checking out how “huge” and “ripped” they think they are.

“Guy Code”: The “Guy Code”, the “Man Laws”, whatever you want to call it. Either way, it’s basically rules for homophobes to live by. According to the Guy Code, doing certain things (and/or not doing other things) automatically makes you a pillow-biter. Things like saying any other man is good-looking supposedly means you’re a homo. The aforementioned speaking to or using a urinal next to another man in the bathroom supposedly makes you a flamer. Getting pedicures supposedly makes you a queer. Driving anything besides big-assed jacked-up trucks supposedly means you put it in your mouth. Not eating or not even wanting to eat peppers, wings, etc., that are so hot your asshole smokes for a month supposedly makes you a limp-wrist. Knowing when you’ve had enough to drink and not exceeding it supposedly makes you a bone smoker. Asking for directions. What’s THAT about?! How does asking for directions make you queer? Get over yourselves, boys. [I myself, admittedly, am not exempt from silly barbaric Man-Laws: my main one is that if a man has ever had a "lente decaf double mocha soy latte with extra foam" or something like it to his lips, chances are good he's probably had something else there as well. Drink black coffee like your husband does, Barbie.] Of course, women have absolutely NO sets of ridiculous criteria by which they judge each other. DO you, ladies??!!! Shall I go there? Okay then.

Hypocrites: Women will be act shocked and appalled when a man swears or says that “special” C-word, yet women will call each other that same special C-word and have a smile on their face while doing so. Similarly, women act so prim and proper and “I wouldn’t dream of speaking like that” when a man is present, yet cuss like sailors and get extremely profane when {they think} no men are around. Deny all you want, ladies- I can speak on that as FACT. Then on the other hand, men believe hugging another man makes you a fag, yet “wrestling” each other (rolling around on the ground all sweaty and interlocked in a weird, twisted embrace) isn’t the least bit homo-erotic.

Problem-solving: Men want to solve problems by kicking someone’s ass. Women want to solve problems by talking things out and “reasoning”. Neither method ever works.  Ever.

There are multitudes of other examples; those are but a few.

I realize that broad generalizations are not very politically corrupt correct nowadays, but too bad. Stereotypes exist because at some point there is or has been some member of the stereotyped gender, race, religion, or whatever that behaves or has behaved in the manner being generalized. Many women can’t fold a road map properly. Either that or they just don’t try. But then, most men can’t pee without splattering. Either that or they just don’t try.

All I am doing is pointing out what people already know but pretend they think it’s wrong to point out. I’m not saying one gender’s behavior is any more right or wrong than the other’s, nor am I saying all men are like I’ve described or that all women are like I’ve described; I’m simply pointing out things I myself have observed about men and women in general in the 40 years I have been on da Urff.

So before you go ripping on me for dogging your particular gender, realize I was, in fact, equal-opportunity on this, and before you go ripping the other gender for things I’ve listed about them, realize that yours is no better.  Have a nice day!