Top 10 Lists, Christmas edition

‘Twas 4 days before Christmas, and all through the Johann house, not a creature was stirring, other than the l’ilest l’il Johann watching “Cars” yet again. I’m basically wasting time (and putting off the honey-do list) until we go pick up the elder l’il Johann at the bus stop (2:30 dismissal today, the last day before Christmas break) with Mrs. Johann and then head to the ex-day care for their Christmas party, an event to which the staff was gracious enough to invite us, even though we’re no longer there.

So I got to thinking (Lord help us all) about Christmas and about things I like and dislike about this time of year.

Likes:

10. The year is almost over. Not that this year (or any other) has really been so “bad” that I want it to be over, but for about the last dozen years or so, for whatever reason, I look forward to the turning of the new year, if only from a nostalgic, symbolic standpoint. Not really sure why; I just do.

9. The Christmas tree. It’s always so nice to get the tree up and just sit and stare into the multi-colored beauty. And then yell at the kids for a month for knocking off all the ornaments and playing with them and breaking them and bending the hooks and fighting over who gets to turn on the lights every day.

8. Being fortunate enough to be able to eat to excess. Every year I eat way too much. I don’t really set out to, and most of the time I eat in spite of not being even remotely hungry. It’s there, so I eat.

7. The quiet. Quiet? At Christmastime?! Sure. Go outside late Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning. You’d be surprised at how loud the silence is- usually. It’s wonderful, especially if it’s snowing. (See #10 below for a nifty contradiction to that last statement.)

6. Various year-end countdown shows and articles. It’s interesting to me, if not still somewhat lame, to recall the news, sports, pop culture, and other stories of the past year, to see some of the remarkable images captured (see today’s Heartland supplement) to remember the notable statesmen, celebrities, local folks, etc., that we lost, things like that.

5. Christmas displays. Especially now that I have kids. I’ve always loved looking at Christmas lights and displays. If you’ve never experienced Laketown’s Hooker St. display in its heyday, you’ve truly missed out on something amazing.

4. “How the Grinch Stole Christmas“. The 1966 Boris Karloff-narrated cartoon, not the moderately enjoyable but comparably lame Jim Carrey live-action version. It’s a classic. “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch…” How can you NOT love that?! (Honorable mention: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas“)

3. 24 hours of “A Christmas Story“. Yes, I’ve seen it at least 6 times a year on average since it first came out in 1983, but I never get tired of Ralphie’s quest for the Red Ryder BB gun. Yesterday at the mall I saw one of those big outdoor blow-up (and presumably snowing inside) bubble things that contained the leg lamp from the movie. Awesome. Yet cheesy at the same time. Kind of like the lamp itself.

2. Getting together with friends and family. I’d be fine with eschewing (¡Salud!) the whole gift-giving/receiving thing- it’s just nice being with your loved ones at the holidays and stuffing yourself miserable on food that’s not anywhere close to being good for you. And I’m extremely fortunate that I have friends and family with which to get together. A lot of people aren’t as fortunate.

1. The looks on kids’ faces. My kids or any kids. THAT’S what Christmas is about for me. I could care less if I never get another Christmas present- I just love seeing a kid’s face light up. Granted, it’s because you’ve bestowed upon them a bunch of material items they really don’t need (and perpetuated the whole greed and commercialism Dark Side of Christmas that people LOVE to use to piss on people’s metaphorical Christmas parades), but still.

Dislikes:

10. The weather. I know, I know, it’s the Midwest and it snows here sometimes. But honestly, unless I’m skiing on it, I really don’t have much use for snow. And it’s not even the snow I don’t like, it’s the ice that always seems to come with it.

9. Christmas shopping. Basically, I hate all forms of shopping, period. Even grocery shopping. But heading to the mall or Best Buy or Target or wherever with 35,000 other idiots is not my idea of even a shitty time. (The experience would have to get a whole lot better to claim the right to be called a shitty time.) That’s why the internets were invented, as far as I’m concerned.

8. Putting up outside decorations. I love Christmas lights and outdoor displays, within reason. I like having them on my house. I just don’t like having to put them up. It sucks spending most of the daylight of a day (or longer) on the roof in the cold, stringing up a dozen strands of lights, only to find out that half of one strand (that worked when I plugged them in in the house) are not lighting up. This year, the weather was cooperative enough that I really didn’t have the chance to get them put up. Someone should create a business where they come to your house and put up your decorations for you. I’d love to be that someone, but again, I hate putting up lights, so that would really defeat the whole purpose.

7. Being forced to OD on Christmas music. I like Christmas music, but do we really need to start hearing it the day after Halloween?! And there’s just not that many good songs, and of the “good” songs there are, there are countless crappy versions. I hate it when people butcher songs by oversinging them (cough*Mariah Carey*cough) or otherwise putting their own little twist on them. I’m pretty traditional- just sing the damn song and be done with it. The dogs barking “Jingle Bells” is a prime example. Also, most “original” Christmas songs suck. I love Paul McCartney, but his “Wonderful Christmastime” is brutal to endure. Then there is “Last Christmas” by Wham! and/or George Michael, anything by Michael Bolton, and the aforementioned Song Butcherer’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. Again, maybe if we don’t have to hear them non-stop for two months, it wouldn’t be quite so bad. And speaking of Christmas songs…

6. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song just never made sense to me, even as a kid. Who is THAT into birds? After it’s all said and done, “my true love gave to me” 42 swans a-swimming, 42 geese a-laying, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 turtle doves, and 12 partridges. That’s 184 birds! Who is this person- Alfred Hitchcock?! I hope he has a newspaper subscription. Then on the ninth day, they start sending in show business people. Ladies dancing, lords a-leaping, drummers drumming, pipers piping. And I feel worst for those poor maids a-milking. They should be home with their families, not yanking on a cow! I can hear them now: “If he sends in one more stinkin’ bird… and I’ll be damned if I’m picking those pears!” (My apologies to Randy Lubas, the comedian from whom I stole this little “routine”.) Anyway, it’s still kind of a dumb song. But the l’il Johanns like it, so I put on a happy face and sing it loud and proud, over and over.

5. Grinchy people. Yeah, there are numerous reasons people get cranky this time of year. But even so, folks- lighten up. Then at the other extreme…

4. People that are just a little TOO “into” Christmas. You know the type. You probably live by one or two, work with one or two, or maybe even are related to one or two. These people go bonkers with decorations, listen to and sing Christmas music at the top of their lungs at every waking moment (and quite possibly force you to do the same), wear God-awful ugly Christmas sweaters every day from the moment the leftover turkey is stuffed into the Tupperware until New Year’s Eve, things like that. These are typically the type of people that have the unmitigated gall to say or almost sing “Good Morning!” and actually mean it. Ugh. Strike a balance, folks. You don’t have to be an Ebeneezer, but don’t overdo it either. Sheeeesh.

3. Bell-ringers (and other charity representatives) that damn near bludgeon you for not dropping a quarter in their kettle or canister. Some give you sour looks. Some make snide comments. Some even become your own personal guilt trip travel agent. I’m all for giving to charities (those that I support and believe in, not just because they ask for money) but publicly ridiculing someone for not donating is a bit anti-Christmas spirity, isn’t it? How do they know I didn’t give my last dollar to the bell ringer three stores down? How do they know I don’t write a check to their charity every month? I just don’t find punking people out for not giving to be a good way to convince them to give. This time of year, there are hundreds of organizations asking for money (and also, using the “it’s the season of giving” thing as a sleazy tool); it’s just not realistic to expect everyone to give to everything.

2. Seeing people get taken advantage of. Swindlers, cheats, and other assorted scum of the earth prey on kind-hearted people, especially this time of year. Every year, there are at least a couple stories of someone being swindled by someone else, whether through a fake charity donation (part of why I don’t freely give), blatant theft, or other similarly sleazy tactics. Some people make themselves easy targets, but it still doesn’t justify their getting screwed over.

1. Being expected not to mention Jesus at risk of offending someone. It’s called “Christmas”, people. And my kids get two weeks off for Christmas break, not “winter break”. I’m not offended in the least by Jewish people celebrating Hanukkah, by blacks celebrating Kwaanza, or any other holidays. Why are so many people offended by Christians celebrating (and calling it) Christmas? I’m not going to foster a discussion on the secularism of Christmas traditions, the accuracy of whether December 25th really “was” Jesus’ birthday, the whole “commercialism” crap, or anything else that people and bloggers debate constantly this time of year. I’m simply saying that I choose to recognize Jesus as “the reason for the season”, and even if, in your mind, I swim in a sea of hypocrisy by doing so, it is my sea and I should be allowed to swim in it. I’m so sorry (but not really) if non-Christians don’t like being bombarded with the whole “Christmas” thing (and, admittedly, they are), but I refuse to be expected to use non-descript generic terms in celebrating my holiday. If I know for sure someone is Jewish or at least doesn’t celebrate Christmas as such, I will adjust my comments, but otherwise I will cheerfully, and without the slightest concern for offending someone, say “Merry Christmas”.

I may not make it back here before Tuesday, so if not, have a Merry Christmas, hombres y mujeres- and to those who don’t celebrate Christmas, have a Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, other holiday of your choosing, or just have a good day. Be happy and be safe.