Things I don’t understand

Sometimes my twisted brain comes up with little random thoughts. Some are profound, others not so much. Some are serious, others not so much. And admittedly, some are original, others not so much… give me a break- it’s Sunday.

Here’s a sample:

• Do fish have wet dreams?
• Why do drive-up ATMs have braille keypads?
• How does White Oaks Mall stay open?
• Isn’t it just the slightest bit hypocritical to have a Protecting Environment license plate on one’s car? What better way to show one’s desire to help save the environment by posting it on a machine that belches toxic waste into the air? I admit, I like my car and I have no desire to give it up, but I don’t go around preaching for clean air while I drive around polluting it, either.
• Why are buildings called “buildings” once they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called “builts”?
• Has there ever been a Pope that actually has shit in the woods?
• Why did all the Springfield car dealers move from Dirksen Parkway, across from or down the street from JCPenney, to the far far west side of Springfield, and then have huge sales and move their cars to the JCPenney parking lot twice a year?
• Similarly, why did they move their cars to White Oaks for their most recent mega tent sale hootenanny extravaganza cavalcade o’ cars? That’s like a mile and a quarter away from their own lot- if even that- why go through the effort and waste the gas?
• Did you ever wonder how it was discovered that certain things were edible?
• At what point does “organized” become “anal-retentive”?
• Is it just me, or is Maverick pretty much the restaurant equivalent of Wal-Mart?
• Why do women complain about their underwear going up their butt yet deliberately wear thongs? And on a related note, why do some men wear thongs? There is just something fundamentally wrong with men that wear thongs.
• Why does the SJ-R refuse to print or even acknowledge the nickname of the NFL’s Washington D.C. franchise but will for the Kansas City franchise?
• Why are athletes paid what they are paid, yet teachers, police officers, EMTs, and firefighters are paid what they are paid?
• If you get the clap more than once, is it considered a case of applause?
• Why are “horrific” and “horrible”, two words that mean the same thing etymologically, considered synonyms, yet “terrific” and “terrible”, two words that mean the same thing etymologically, are considered opposites?
• Are Cookie Factory cookies not the freakin’ best?!
• If lawmakers are supposedly so hell-bent on stopping drinking and driving, why haven’t they outlawed liquor stores with drive-thru windows? Doesn’t that sort of tempt the inevitable? Kind of like opening a day care next to a sex offender’s house- you should know what’s going to end up happening, so don’t be shocked or appalled when it does.
• Why do some women say they want to be treated as equals to men and then turn around and scream “sexual harassment” and/or “discrimination” when they are?
• Why do farts smell? I mean, I know the physiological “reason” why, so all you science geeks can just save your keystrokes. I mean why as in what is the purpose? Is it to ward off predators? Or is it really just so the deaf can enjoy them too?
• Why do we have a Governor’s Mansion when the Governor doesn’t live there? Or perhaps a better question is, why is the Governor governor if he doesn’t live in the Mansion? Last I checked, Springfield is still the capital of the great state of Illinois. If Blowjo Blago were to become President (stop laughing, I’m just speaking hypothetically), would he stay in his little hoidy-toidy, rich, gated, more than likely whites-only Chicago suburb instead of living in the White House? I mean, would any of us normal people be allowed to have a 3 hour commute to “work”? And would any of us really want a 3 hour commute to work? But then, if I had other people paying for everything I did, everywhere I went, etc., like he does, I suppose I wouldn’t feel the need to move either. But that’s not the point- the point is that the Governor should live in the Governor’s Mansion. That’s the whole freakin’ idea. That’s actually why they call it the “Governor’s Mansion”, genius.
• Speaking of Illinois’ “government”, why doesn’t the GA just go ahead and make Chicago the capital? It already thinks it is anyway, and nothing that happens in the Statehouse benefits anyone outside of Chicago, so you people might as well save us taxpayers your gas money/airfare and make Chicago the capital. Or better yet, make it its own friggin’ state so that southern Illinois (i.e. everything south of I80) might actually benefit from something its lawmakers attempt to accomplish, and they can finally be free from all us pesky hillbilly small-town non-Chicagoville people. HINT TO CHICAGO: we don’t like hearing “southern Illinois” in reference to Springfield any more than you do hearing “it’s all Chicago” in reference to you and all your surrounding towns and villages.

I always seem to get myself riled up when I do this.