It’s the Pu-pocalypse!

No, not the POO-pocalypse- that is what happens after a night of White Castle and Milwaukee’s Best. I said the PU-pocalypse, of which “Cardinal Nation” is in the midst due to Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals not coming to terms on a contract extension by today’s noon deadline.

Now I am the first to admit I really know nothing of the inner workings on pro ballplayers’ contracts, guaranteed salaries, bonuses, various incentive clauses, etc. And I also find it disgusting that ballplayers, Pujols included, are able to command such exorbitantly ridiculous and/or ridiculously exorbitant salaries, especially when the nation’s teachers don’t make squat, but that’s an argument for another time. So allow me to give my mostly ignorant perspective on this whole Albert Pujols contract thing, and forgive the talking out of my backside that likely will occur.

I’m saying up front I don’t understand how MLB contracts work. Deal with it. (Perhaps my brother, whom I consider extraordinarily knowledgeable in most everything baseball, especially for someone not in “the business”, could correct and/or clarify anything I get confused or just plain wrong.)

First of all, Pu’s heart is at least seemingly in the right place [for Cardinal fans] in that he says he wants to stay in St. Louis his entire career. The 10-year deal he seeks would make him 41 when it ends. A lot can happen in that time; you can’t really blame the front office for not agreeing to a 10-year deal- they theoretically could be stuck paying him a lot of money for four years after he’s out of baseball if, by chance and heaven forbid, his elbow finally detaches from his body, or he blows an MCL or something. That’s a big risk- for ANY team. And I know it’s the same monetarily, but there is still a big difference between 7 years/$210MM and 10 years/$300MM. (To be fair, I kinda stole that line from my brother. It just somehow sounds far more intelligent and meaningful coming from him.)

And honestly, you really can’t fault Pujols for wanting [or expecting] to be paid his worth. He is, after all, the best player in the game. Even as completely subjective as that moniker is, it’s difficult to argue against it. Seeing the deals that guys like A-Rod, Ryan Howard, and numerous pitchers have gotten in recent years, why shouldn’t Pujols get his due? And again, this is coming from someone who is absolutely nauseated by the amount of money grown men make for playing a child’s game. I just saw a tweet that said that the team’s offer would have only made him about the 10th highest paid player in the league. Even at MLB’s insulting [to us little people] salaries, that is a friggin’ joke. If the Cardinals can’t or won’t pay him what he’s worth, why shouldn’t he play for someone who will? And someone- SOMEONE- will. My guess is that, unless the Cardinals find a way to dump Holliday, Carp, Wainwright, and all their high-priced players so they can pay Pujols, he will wind up wearing the much-despised pinstripes in the Bronx. Yes, I know they have Texeira at first, but the Yankees being the Yankees, they’d likely find somewhere for Pujols to fit. Perhaps platooning him and Tex between 1B-DH or something. Like I said, it’s the Yankees, the “Stack ‘em and Rack ‘em” team of Major League Baseball. Boston MAY be a possibility, given their nearly bottomless checkbook, but I honestly see the Yankees as the only team that can realistically afford to pay him what he wants. Wants, deserves, whatever. Same diff. In terms of “real people” money, he doesn’t deserve a fraction of that, but in terms of MLB players [and teams] money, he deserves every bit of that and more.

Truth be told, even as a Cardinal fan, if the Cardinals can’t keep him, I’d actually MUCH rather see him play future home games at Wrigley than at Yankee Stadium. The Yankees represent everything I hate about baseball (and sports in general) and I can’t in good conscience root for anyone that wears their uniform, whether or not he’s the best player in the league, and whether or not he spent his first 10 seasons on the team I support. It’s the friggin’ Yankees. The Evil Empire. The “Yes, we have 27 championships- bought and paid for” team. (I know, I know; but I simply loathe the Yankees.) If he makes $300MM playing for any other team in MLB, it’s at least comparatively okay. If he makes $300MM playing for the Yankees, he will have sold out and I will have no choice but to hate him with every fiber of my being. It’s my rationalization; let me go with it.

Anyway, if the Cardinals do somehow find a way to keep Pujols and give him the money he wants and deserves, there’s no realistic way they can field any sort of quality team around him in order to be a legitimate contender. They won’t be able to afford anyone else [of any real worth]. Carpenter would be gone, Wainwright would be gone, Holliday would be gone, even that little princess Jim Edmonds would be gone. Great CF in his prime, Jimmy E was, but I just don’t get the excitement Cardinals fans felt in the team signing him. Again. Anyway, it’ll be pretty difficult for Pujols to win a championship essentially by himself. He is the best player in the league right now, but even HE isn’t that good.

The biggest thing that gets me with this whole Albert Pujols St. Louis Cardinals Deathclock Watch thing is watching posts and tweets from Cardinals “fans”. Cheese is rice, folks… what’s with all the doom and gloom? Rare nowadays is the superstar, HoF-caliber player that stays on the same team their entire career. Last one I can think of without really thinking about it would be Cal Ripken. The Cardinals have him for 2011, let’s just let him play while he’s here, and when the season is over and the real crunch time to re-sign him comes, THEN we can pucker our sphincters.

But even if he does leave… life. Goes. On. Baseball in St. Louis will not end just because #5 leaves. You all call yourselves the “Greatest Fans In Baseball™” (a term I once used frequently but now despise hearing); if that’s true, you will be sad that he is gone, as will I, hope he continues his amazing career, as will I, but continue to faithfully support the Cardinals. As will I. If you no longer root for the Cardinals because Pujols leaves, you’re not a Cardinals fan. If your loyalties can change that easily, I can’t even call you a baseball fan.

I am a fan of the game, first and foremost, and a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals second. What benefits the game as a whole typically means more to me than what benefits just my team. That said, I have been a lifelong Cardinals fan, since the first game my dad took me to in the Concrete Doughnut more than 35 years ago. I lived and died by Jack Buck’s voice on the radio for every game for which I wasn’t in attendance. Hearing “That’s a winner!” was a big highlight of my youth, adolescence, and adulthood. And let us not forget JFB’s “Go crazy, folks!” when Ozzie hit that homerun in the ’85 NLCS.

I was there (here and henceforth meaning “as a fan”) when the ’82 team won the Series. I was there for Gibson. Brock. Templeton grabbing his crotch. Ozzie. Willie. Whitey. Vince getting eaten by the tarp. Bruce. Forsch’s first no-hitter (the first one at the Doughnut, for the record). Seaver no-hitting the Cardinals later that season. Forsch’s second no-hitter. Valenzuela no-hitting the Cardinals. Jiménez’ no-hitter, in which he beat Randy Johnson 1-0, and, if memory serves, the only hit Johnson gave up that day was the winning home run. Bud Smith’s no-hitter. (Who?!) McGwire. The rise, downfall, re-rise, and re-downfall of Rick Ankiel. Hollywood Jimmy E. And of course, El Hombre. I was there when the ’04 team got embarrassingly swept by the Red Sox. I was there when the ’06 team redeemed that Series by beating the Tigers.

I was also there supporting those atrociously abysmal Cardinals teams of some of those seasons from the mid-to-late 80s to the early-to-mid 90s. I felt the sting when the ’85 team lost to the Royals. (Don’t get me started on you people that STILL blame Denkinger for the Cardinals losing the Series that year. Let it go.) I saw the Cardinals and Cubs swap numerous players over the years- and, in recent years, occasionally do takebacksies. I was there when Jocketty made that abomination of a trade for Mark Mulder. I was thrilled when LaRussa first came to manage the Cardinals, and I will be even more thrilled when his completely off the deep end, wiggity-whack ass finally leaves.

The point is, regardless of the good or the bad, I have been a Cardinals fan forever, and forever will be. Life- and baseball- will go on in Busch Stadium whether Albert Pujols is there or not. It may not be nearly as electrifying, and perhaps not for a long while, but it will go on. Get a grip, people. Perhaps we all got so used to seeing #5 blast 30+ homeruns each year and rack up 100 RBI every year but one that we never dreamed the day Pujols is no longer a Cardinal could possibly arrive. Well, it’s quite possible that, at least by this time next year, that day actually will arrive. Y’all better check ya self before ya wreck ya self.

Anyway, thanks for indulging me, and I apologize again for not being knowledgeable enough to accurately delve into the facts and figures of the negotiations, but I just felt I needed to try to make the “Greatest Fans In Baseball™” [wink wink] understand that, while painful, losing Pujols will not destroy your life. Actually, if it does, you’ve got much bigger problems.

Just saying.

Open letter to Mother Nature

Fuck off.

–Johann

R.I.P. Mayor Tim Davlin

Mayor Tim Davlin

Springfield’s mayor, Tim Davlin, was found dead in his home yesterday morning from “an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound”.  I’m not here to speak on how he died, why he died, any sort of speculation into that or any sort of conspiracy, actual or perceived.

I want to speak about the man.

I never met Mayor Davlin, which is rather surprising in a town this size, and considering how he always seemed to pop up just about everywhere, sometimes in a political capacity, but most often in a personal capacity.  He and I stood on opposite sides of that arbitrary political designation line, but while I didn’t agree with some of his stances, I feel he did a good job not just for the city of Springfield but also for the state of Illinois.

I am currently listening to WMAY, the local talk radio station, and while I hate listening to talk radio because of the whack jobs that routinely call in, it’s actually surprisingly nice hearing some of the callers’ stories about how Mayor Davlin touched their lives.  Whether you agreed with and/or supported him or not, his impact on his constituents, the citizens of Springfield, cannot be denied. I am sure there are people who are saying he did not do anything without the ulterior motive of political gain, and I imagine that at least to SOME degree there may be a *little* bit of truth to that, but even having not known him, I believe that a grand majority of his actions were simply out of the notion that that is simply the type of person he was.

As the radio host just said, even if you could not stand his politics, you couldn’t NOT like the guy. He was a handsome man, extremely charismatic and charming. Again, due to his being a politician, I’m sure there are people who will argue it was all an act. I disagree, especially after hearing some of the calls coming in. And while I am the first to admit I don’t have much faith in most people, I just don’t think people can be THAT good an actor THAT often.  As I mentioned before, it seemed Mayor Davlin turned up darned near everywhere. Yes, some events would fall under the “mayoral photo op” category, but more often than not, it was because he simply wanted to be there, not as “Mayor Davlin” but as “Tim”.

Mayor Davlin was a strong, tireless supporter of veterans and would often appear at various functions honoring and/or raising money for veterans’ associations. He marched in the St. Patrick’s Day parade handing out candy, flowers, green clown noses, whatever, and again, he was just “Tim”, not “Mayor Davlin”.  I’m hearing on the radio that, to the majority of the people calling in, he introduced himself as “Tim”.  He was our mayor, but he was also one of us, first and foremost.  Just a resident of a town he loved; he just happened to run the town he loved, and I believe that’s how he viewed his terms as mayor.

As I type this, an autopsy is being performed on his body, and results are expected to be announced any time.  I am not looking forward to the inevitable wave of speculation as to why the mayor shot himself- IF that is ultimately what happened.  WMAY has already had people calling in wanting to “end the pity party”, with one guy talking about how we need to take this time to “clean up the corruption, with one governor in prison, another heading to prison, and the capital’s mayor killing himself…”

Now do you get why I think most people suck?

He was not without his blemishes, personally and professionally, as none of us are, but to once again quote the radio host, this is truly a sad day for the city of Springfield.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family, especially his children.  I cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through, especially with this being the Christmas season.

I never met Mayor Davlin- or Tim, for that matter- but in an odd way I feel like I have lost a friend.

 

Random Saturday morning thoughts

- I hate Monopoly. It takes forever and the only way to win is to be the banker. Plus, the banker usually cheats.

- Being an extreme liberal is equally as detrimental to any form of political progress (AND equally as hateful) as is being an extreme conservative. SIDE NOTE: It’s time for some more moderate political parties to be allowed into the forefront. I heard a great quote a while back:

“If we keep pulling left and pulling right, we cannot move forward.”- Newark, N.J. Mayor Cory Booker

- I am WAY too defensive.

- Seafood crepes are heavenly.

- Daylight Savings Time and the whole “setting your clocks forward/backward” thing need to be abolished. They’ve long outlived their practicality. Don’t forget to set your clocks back an hour tonight before bed.

- I wish I had a larger vocabulary. Mine is so… hell, I can’t think of the word.

- My city desperately needs a late-night sushi delivery service.

- Expanding the MLB playoffs and decreasing the regular season won’t change the fact that the baseball season is entirely too long. I dearly love baseball, but early April to early November is just too long to sustain passion for it.

- Trivia nights are fundraisers. I get that. But if the organizers ultimately want the winners’ prize money back, they shouldn’t offer it as a prize. Just say from the get-go that the prize is nothing more than bragging rights; I’m confident they’d still get roughly the same turnout.  Don’t attempt to guilt your players into giving the money back; that will wind up decreasing attendance.  Also, mulligans should be forever banned from trivia nights. I understand that they are mainly sold for extra money for the fundraisers, but if it’s extra money they want, I’d much rather pay $15-$20 for the entry fee- even if there were no prize money- than to reward people for not knowing the answers.  If you can’t win on your knowledge alone, you’re not meant to win.  Mulligans at trivia nights are the equivalent of allowing a batter another at bat right after he strikes out.

- School librarians should not lament about not having any help and then turn around and criticize the parents that volunteer in the library.

- If a major storm were to ever hit at 10AM on the first Tuesday of the month, we’ll likely all perish.

The kindness of strangers

I’m in Westport Plaza this weekend for the wife’s company’s annual ”management appreciation” weekend (basically, it’s a weekend-long drunk disguised as “work” because they go to meetings on Saturday).

I drove up to the McDonald’s at the edge of the Westport compound for a couple Egg McMuffins and coffee.  As I’m eating, the TV is showing the Today Show’s coverage of the 9/11 tragedy broadcast at the same time it happened nine years ago. Per my last post, I’m trying not to pay attention to it, but it’s kind of hard not to when I’m facing a 60-inch plasma screen.

So I’m eating and watching, and this guy sits down at the table next to me and strikes up a 9/11 conversation with me.  Ordinarily, I’m not a big fan of small talk, especially with people I don’t know.  In fact, I’m not a big fan of people in general, simply because too often their level of assholeness clashes with my level of assholeness.  But this guy was different.

We sat and chatted and talked about where we were when we heard the news and what not, talked about how the country and the world have changed since 9/11, talked about President Obama, talked about the Kennedy and Martin Luther King assassinations, and about things in general.  I talked to this guy whom I’ve never met for probably a half hour and had a very pleasant conversation.  There was no political slant to the conversation, there was no racial slant to the conversation, no sort of cultural bias of any kind.

I can’t have a conversation like that with most people I’ve know for years (some all my life) because it always seems to break down into the aforementioned “I’m right, you’re wrong” bullshit.  It was SO refreshing to have a simple conversation with a total stranger.

I still don’t really want to relive or to dwell on the events of nine years ago, but to the construction worker I met today at McDonald’s whose name I never got, your conversation and your handshake when we parted company will be something I will carry with me for a long time.  Thank you for at least temporarily suspending my disdain of people in general and especially of strangers.

(UNRELATED NOTE THAT MUST BE ADDED:  The PCs they have in the lobby of the Sheraton Chalet here at Westport SUCK.  Be one of the cool people, Sheraton–switch to Macs.)

Patriotism?

From dictionary.com:

patriotism: devoted love, support, and defense of one’s country; national loyalty.

Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of the most brutal terrorist attack on American soil in our history.  Every year at this time, emails and posts flood our inboxes and Facebook walls with fluff messages about “Never Forget”, often backed by some overused Lee Greenwood or Toby Keith song, reminding us about “patriotism”.

9/11 is this decade’s “JFK assassination”, “King assassination”, “RFK assassination”, “John Lennon murder”, etc.  What I mean by that is that it’s one of those things where everyone instantly recalls where they were when they heard the news, not to mention the horrific images associated with it, that were replayed over and over and over again on the news shows.  Everyone remembers the feeling of helplessness, fear, sadness, and anger they felt that day.  Speaking only for myself, I know I will never forget it.

I’m going to confess something that will probably anger a lot of people: I don’t want to relive it.

I remember 9/11/02, the first anniversary of the attacks.  I was working at USBank, and several people at the bank wanted to participate in the national moment of silence remembrance ceremony they were showing on TV.  Myself, I chose not to participate, partly because everyone else in the drive-up that day was going to and it wasn’t like we could just close it down for 15 minutes- SOMEONE had to take customers.  But mainly it was due to the fact that I didn’t want to relive it and see those images in my head.

Don’t get me wrong- I did and still do weep for the thousands of people whose lives were lost in New York, Washington, and Pennsylvania, and their surviving family and friends, as well as for the firefighters, police officers, servicemen and women, and other citizens that were injured or killed trying to rescue people or to simply just clear the debris.  I can’t even begin to imagine the pain the victims’ families must have suffered.  I am blessed in that I was lucky enough not to have any friends or family who perished that day.  But I choose not to relive that day and go through those feelings every year.  It’s not that I’m cold and heartless, it’s that I believe we as a country need to move on.

My thought is this: let the people who were directly involved in the attacks- the victims’ families and the survivors- have their ceremonies and reflections.  To me, they deserve it, not me.  Again, I count my blessings that I did not lose anyone dear to me that day.  It does not mean I’m shrugging off the memories of the victims or that I “love America” any less than does someone who actively participates in the 9/11 remembrances, it simply means I take some pause and understand what the date means, and I move forward.

After the 9/11 attack happened, we started a war that had absolutely nothing to do with anything even remotely resembling “retribution”.  For nearly nine years now, men and women have died fighting a war that never should have been started.  Essentially, it has served as nothing more than added body count.  Iraq and Afghanistan are no more “free” from their previous way of life than they were before this happened.  We simply sent husbands, wives, parents, children, and friends off to be injured and/or killed under the guise of “patriotism”.

Here’s MY definition of “patriotism”: devoted love, support, and defense of one’s country; national loyalty, as mentioned above.  But with this caveat:  (See also: acceptance of those whose views differ from yours)

In other words, I believe in the Constitution of the United States but also that it is an imperfect document and is- or at least SHOULD be- evolving.  That’s why there are amendments (i.e., changes) to the Constitution.  For a perfect example of that, look at Amendments 18 and 21.  I believe in my right to bear arms, but also in your right to want to ban guns.  I believe in my right to freedom of religion.  I also believe in your right to yours.  If the two religions don’t mesh, that’s fine.  We should both practice our religion without trying to impede the other’s right to do so.  I believe in the right of free speech but also in that of yours, even if you are saying the opposite of what I am saying or if it is something with which I do not agree.  I will never forget my brother’s words of wisdom in this regard: If you don’t support freedom of speech for those people and ideas you find repugnant, then you don’t support freedom of speech at all.  I agree with that 100%.  He adds that, under that same principle, it is also everyone’s right to “ridicule the fucktards that spew stupid ideas”.  I agree with that 100% as well, though I don’t really understand what is gained in doing so.  What good comes from the ultra-right condescending to everyone else for not being as righteous as [they believe] they are?  What good comes from the ultra-left for constantly needling those on the right for being so self-righteous (i.e. I get it- liberals think Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck are idiots.  They’ve long established that.  I can’t say I don’t at least partially agree with that, to a certain degree.  But enough already.  Though you’re well within your right to do so, PLEASE give it a rest.)?

We as a nation need to stop looking at entire groups as “good vs. evil”- the concept of which is entirely subjective based on each individual’s beliefs- and consider each person as an individual entity.  Being Muslim doesn’t automatically make one a terrorist.  Being Christian doesn’t automatically make one a self-righteous Bible thumper.  Being black doesn’t automatically make one a thug or a criminal.  Being white doesn’t automatically make one a racist.  Being conservative doesn’t automatically make one a “whackjob”.  Nor, to be fair, does being liberal.  I could give more examples, but I hope you get the idea.  Look at people as individuals, not as a skin color or social, religious, or political ideology.  I am a white conservative Christian that has some very serious philosophical disagreements with the typical “conservative” or “Christian” set of ideals- specifically, what qualifies one as “conservative” or “Christian”.  But that’s an argument for another time.

There is apparently a pastor in Florida that is waffling on whether or not to burn the Quran.  I don’t know what he intends to solve by doing so, but it is his right to do so, even though, to me, that sure doesn’t sound like a very Christian thing to do.  It is, however, also every American’s right to burn Bibles.  My opinion is that burning the American Flag is wrong, but I believe that it is every American’s right to do so, no matter how deplorable I find it to be.  I believe abortion is wrong but, if for no other reason than because it is legal in America, I respect every woman’s right to get one, no matter how despicable I believe it to be.  I believe in gays’ and lesbians’ right to be married, but I also respect those that don’t believe in it, even the ones that don’t really seem to know why they don’t believe in it- or are at least unable to adequately and rationally explain why.

My America is not about everyone believing one set of ideals and banishing (or worse, killing, as they do in some countries) those who don’t fully believe in that set of ideals.  My America is about acceptance and tolerance.  Acceptance and tolerance of those with opposing views than yours.  Acceptance and tolerance of those with different lifestyles than yours.  Acceptance and tolerance of those with a different skin color, religion, or ethnic heritage than yours.  Acceptance and tolerance of those who try to stomp your viewpoints, as well as those who try to stomp you for stomping theirs.  That’s a two-way street, my friends, and it can be, will be, and does get driven both ways all day long.  ACCEPT it.  You have the right to your beliefs, but the other guy has the right to disagree with them, you have the right to disagree with his disagreement with them, etc.  I’d like to think we can all just accept it without having to actually do the back-and-forth “I’m right, you’re wrong” thing ad infinitum and ad nauseum, but that’s an extremely tall order and I know that.

The point of all of this is that the concept of “patriotism” goes far deeper than the display of an American flag, or participation in a yearly outpouring of sentimental “USA! USA!” propaganda via email and Facebook posts.  REAL patriots don’t NEED these emails and such to kickstart their patriotism.  REAL patriots love their country every single day, even if they don’t necessarily love their President, their Congress, their government, or whatever the case.  That is part of the beauty of America:  We the People elect our officials.  Based on each individual’s beliefs, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it way wrong (it is impossible to make every American citizen “happy” politically; people need to understand this), but the fact that we have the right- and the responsibility- to choose our leaders is one of the most fundamental and most fundamental rights we possess.

I support anyone who willingly sends or receives the “Never Forget” emails and Facebook posts, be it for 9/11, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, or any day, but understand that my declining to forward the email or put the post on my Facebook wall is in no way indicative of any disregard for the men and women we’ve lost (not just on 9/11 but in any and all wars in which this country has participated) or of any absence of patriotism in my heart and mind.  It simply means I choose to feel and to display mine in a manner different from the way you choose.  Thank you for thinking enough of me to include me in the email or Facebook post request, but I ask that you don’t automatically tag me as “unAmerican” if I respectfully decline to forward the email or to make the post on Facebook.  I think it’s up to me to decide whether I want to “show my patriotism” in that manner or not.  There is no way in heaven or on God’s green earth that I can or will ever forget the events of September 11, 2001.  I don’t need, nor do I want, some email or Facebook post to remind me how to be an American.  I also don’t need you to wag your finger at me and tell me how “unAmerican” you think I am or how much I “obviously” hate America for not passing on the email or Facebook post.  I am every bit the “patriotic American” that anyone else is, I guarantee it.  I love this country and I challenge any one of you to prove otherwise.

Whichever god you worship- and even if you worship no god- God bless America and God bless all Americans.

Hatred is as hatred does, I guess

The big story today is Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally in D.C.

I’m not going to get into whether Beck is “right” or “wrong” in his beliefs, nor whether I believe he is “right” or “wrong” in his beliefs.  That’s not my issue with what I’ve been seeing on Facebook and Twitter today.

My issue is with the apparent “do as I say, not as I do” mentality.

First off, people [on the left] are so upset because Beck had the “unmitigated gall” to hold his rally on the precise spot where, and 47 years to the day after, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech, saying Beck is mocking the very principle of Dr. King’s speech.  Again, I’m not here to say [whether I believe] he is or isn’t.  MY problem is that most of the people that do believe he is mocking Dr. King’s legacy are likely the same people that think it’s horrible that some people oppose building a mosque on the site of Ground Zero–and for the very same reason (mocking someone’s legacy).  And yes, it IS the same thing.

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

Second, and this has LONG been an issue with me, why does “conservative” automatically mean “hate monger” while “liberal” automatically means “lover of all people”?  And with that, why does disagreeing with a liberal- say, President Obama, for example- automatically mean “[racist] hate monger”, while disagreeing with a conservative- say, Glenn Beck, for example- automatically mean “lover of all people”?  Folks, hate is hate; doesn’t matter from which proverbial side of the aisle it comes.  Some of the comments I’ve seen the last couple days on Facebook and Twitter from liberals- well, okay, to be fair, I guess I should say, from Beck opponents- have been strongly infused with hate.  Most notably: “Any chance Beck’s rally might be headed toward a motel in Memphis?”  I’ll leave you to make the parallel.  Another one I saw a couple weeks back: “I saw that Sarah Palin was in Trending Topics today. I was hoping that meant she had been shot & killed.”  And let’s not forget everyone calling Beck “Glenn BecKKK”.  Those all sound pretty hateful to me.  ”Lover of all people [except Glenn Beck and his supporters]” sounds an awful lot like “Love thy neighbor [except them queers]“.

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

And then there is the whole opinions/beliefs vs. truths thing.  Folks, if you don’t agree with Glenn Beck’s beliefs, that’s fine.  Disagree all you want.  But his are neither more nor less valid than yours.  I’m not saying you can’t disagree; I’m not really even saying you “can’t” be hateful in doing so.  I’m simply saying that combating what you perceive as hate with your own hate makes you no better.  Wishing Palin and/or Beck dead?  Really?  Could you imagine the uproar if some rightwing nutjob said that about President Obama?  Why is it “okay” in the other direction?  Why was it okay for liberals to rip President Bush to shreds but anyone that dares speak disparagingly of President Obama is a racist and a hate monger?

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

Something I discovered this morning that I find most interesting, also… people say that Beck is mocking Dr. King’s legacy by holding his rally on the same spot on the anniversary of “I Have a Dream”, yet Dr. King’s niece is not only attending and speaking at Beck’s rally but, in this article, explains why.  A very interesting read.  Once again, I’m neither supporting nor bashing Beck, but if Dr. King’s own niece supports this rally…

Bottom line, I just don’t get why it’s okay for one side to be hateful yet the other cannot.  In my opinion, ultra-leftwingers are no different and equally as “whackjob” as ultra-rightwingers.  Most all of politics cannot be boiled down to a simple all-or-none, black-or-white, yes-or-no blanket statement dynamic.  In order for there to be the best chance at equality for all, there must be a compromise toward the center- not left, not right; not liberal, not conservative; but somewhere in between.  Exactly where can be ironed out once the foundation for a compromise is built, but trying to sway the country to the far left or to the far right is, in my opinion, a mistake that will ultimately destroy any remaining semblance of “democracy”, “freedom”, and “equality” there may still be, as well as any chance of achieving genuine “democracy”, “freedom”, and “equality”– no matter which side is ultimately chosen.

I have several conservative viewpoints (anti-abortion, pro-death penalty, pro-gun ownership).  I also have several liberal viewpoints (pro-gay marriage, anti-censorship, 100% freedom of religion–INCLUDING Christianity).  Why must it be all or none?!  Why does one HAVE to be liberal OR conservative?  Being somewhere in the middle is no less a valid choice.  Honestly, I see it as a BETTER choice than one or the other, because it says that you listen to and respect both sides and that it makes you more willing to work toward a solution that benefits as many people as possible, not just “this side” or “that side”, or just the people that agree with you.

Actual true “equality” is, in my mind, minorities receiving the same benefits and “perks” and rights as whites.  It is ALSO, however, whites receiving the same benefits and “perks” and rights as minorities- not just simply giving the minorities more, trying to make up for the fact that whites have been treated so much better than minorities for so long.  It is women being treated the same as men AND men as women.  It is homosexuals being treated the same as straight people AND straight people being treated the same as homosexuals.  It is Muslims, Buddhists, and Jews being treated equally as Christians AND Christians being treated the same as Muslims, Buddhists, and Jews.  It is the needy being treated the same as the wealthy AND the wealthy as the needy.  In all cases, it should be without one side being given ANY special treatment, preference, favor, or advantage over the other (in EITHER direction).  Until that occurs, “equality” can never exist.  Entitling one person or group of people to something to which another person or group of people is not also entitled is not and never will be equality, no matter how you try to justify it.

But then, this is why I despise discussing politics, or even being around people that are.  It tends to bring out the absolute worst in people, no matter their ideologies.  And I hate it when people act as though it is okay for them to do what they are degrading the “other guy” for doing.  ”Do as I say, not as I do.”  I’ve been guilty of that before, as I imagine we all have at some point in our lives, but at least in this regard, that does absolutely nothing to work toward a solution to the problem.

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Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech contains a very powerful message.  I had never actually listened to the entire speech until this morning, thanks to one of my Twitter friends providing a link.  I listened to it, and I urge everyone reading this to do the same- not just to listen to it, but to hear it.

And PLEASE try to play nice, people.  ALL of us.

Anti-pet peeves

Okay, so back when people used to read this blog, some of them used to comment about how I’m always bitching and complaining about one thing or another, and often asked is there anything that makes me happy.  Of course there is. It’s just easier to bitch and complain, and- at least back in the day- that always seemed to elicit more reaction than did the sunshiny buttercuppy posts.  So here goes, just a smattering of things that make me happy, smile, or just feel all warm & fuzzy:

-Doing something for or having something done for me by someone for no reason or request, and with no expectation of return. Perhaps even more so when for/by a stranger than for family/friends/acquaintances.

-Baseball, whether coaching my oldest L’il Johann’s team or watching the big boys play at Busch.

-A steak cooked to perfection.

-Sitting in my comfy chair every morning with my coffee and the newspaper. Screw that reading-the-paper-online crap. (Sorry, I guess that’s kinda complaining, isn’t it…)

-People about whom I care but with whom I disagree- politically, philosophically, or otherwise- that don’t let said disagreements affect our friendship/relationship.

-Spring and summer thunderstorms. Mother Nature can be a bitch sometimes, but she sure is an artist.

-Accomplishing something I had no idea how to accomplish, or that I had no idea I’d ever be able to accomplish.

-Cold Stone Creamery’s Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip (and also their Oreo Creme Filling with fudge and brownie pieces added).

-A nice long drive.

-When someone says (and means) the words “I love you” to me- especially when followed by the word “Dad”.

-Making someone smile and/or laugh.

-The fact that there are a few women left in the word that will allow me to hold a door for them without giving me the “what- since I’m a woman I’m so helpless I can’t open my own door?!” femiNazi lecture.

-The fact that I live in a country in which I can believe in the existence of God and you can believe in the nonexistence of God (or vice versa), I can agree with the President and/or our government and you can disagree (or vice versa), and neither of us can be imprisoned and/or executed for our beliefs. Or disbeliefs, as it were.

One juror: PRICELESS

You’re kidding me, right?

I mean, seriously, lone Blagjovonovajayjayjonovich juror, you’re joking, right?

Ex-Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, accused of 24 different counts- not the least of which being trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat, something he was caught ON TAPE doing- was “only” guilty of lying to a federal agent?!

So tell us… was it Blowjobevich that bought you off?  One of his cronies?  That foul-mouthed skank of a wife of his?  Or are you maybe in line for a big, BIG payday?  Like maybe a lucrative book deal, a nice cushy bullshit state job, maybe… I dunno… a Senate seat?

Now before you all go gasping in disgust at the very idea that I would suggest the juror was paid off, think about it.  Blowjo doesn’t need the entire jury; he only needs one to throw the wrench in the works.  Buying one juror is certainly within his price range, and MOST DEFINITELY in the realm of possibility- not to mention, right in the wheelhouse- for the cesspool of a crooked politician factory that is Chicago.  Hell, if he and Patti can drop $400K on clothes in 5 years, he can certainly scrape together enough cash to buy one juror.  Especially since she agreed to the one token guilty verdict, which will wind Blowjo up with nothing more than some fines (that don’t even come close to the aforementioned $400K clothing spending spree) and, likely, little to no prison time.  Pretty telling that one fellow juror that was interviewed said that she “apparently didn’t see what the rest of us saw”.

There are apparently no bounds to the level of corruption in government in the state of Illinois. Pathetic.

And to this holdout juror… I hope it was worth it.  Whatever amount of cash you got/will get, whatever perk(s), state job, pay raise, Playboy spread, whatever you wind up with… I seriously hope it was worth it. You dropped a giant deuce on the people of Illinois.

Idiot.

The Return of the Piss-People-Off Posts

I’ve been trying to kinda be a kinder gentler Johann here ever since ALL of my posts mysteriously disappeared from blogospheric existence a few months ago- thinking maybe the interwebs gods were trying to tell me something, perhaps- but with recent events I feel I need to kinda stir the shit a little.  Besides, according to my stats, nobody reads this blog anymore anyway, so it’s really nothing more than me getting some things off my chest for my own sake.

The following post is basically a retread of a post I made a while back, but I feel it bears repeating.

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Yesterday, California repealed Proposition 8, deeming it unconstitutional.  Proposition 8 was a measure banning same-sex marriages.  And it IS unconstitutional, and never should have existed.

Let me put it out there right now: I don’t “get” homosexuality.  At least from a man’s standpoint.  I mean, come on… boobs are SO much more fun to play with.  And, I admit, the thought of rolling around all nekked and sweaty with another man really kinda gives me the creeps and makes me go “eeeewwww”.  But, I’m honestly not trying to make light of homosexuality- I admit I have no comprehension of the struggles gay men and women go through every day. But here’s the thing:  gay men and women are no less human than anyone else, and [should] have every right to get married in both a civilly and legally recognized manner, the same way straight people do.  Denying that is wrong.

I hopped on the Facebooks this morning and saw quite a few people expressing joy over Prop8 being killed, but what really struck me was not just the amount of people that were upset by it but also the verbiage used to express said upset.  And some of the people that were apparently so adamantly against gay marriage really surprised me to the point of disappointment.

Look, folks, everyone is entitled to their own opinions- AND SHOULD NOT BE RIDICULED (BY ANYONE) FOR SAID OPINIONS.  However, that said, there is also a fine line between holding an opinion and just being an intolerant hateful prick. Or bitch, as the case may be.  I consider myself to be a conservative- not to the point of the psycho-cons like the Glenn Becks, the Rush Limbaughs, and the Ann Coulters, but if I had to label myself one way or the other, it would have to be as a conservative, albeit a much-much-closer-to-the-middle conservative.  I think that AT TIMES, Beck, Limbaugh, and Coulter have had a couple good ideas or opinions, but most of the time, the way they put their ideas and opinions out there makes them sound like the elitist bigoted nimrods that liberals consider “all” conservatives to be.  (That Michelle Malkin chick… she’s just a nutjob, plain and simple.)  News flash, libbies:  We’re not ALL like that.  Another news flash:  extreme liberals are no worse, but certainly no better, than extreme conservatives.  Ultra far-left liberals are every bit as hateful as ultra far-right cons, just in the opposite direction.  But that’s another argument for another time.

Point is, I consider myself conservative.  I’m against abortion, I support the death penalty for particularly heinous crimes, and I believe 100% in the Second Amendment.  But in my eyes, this debate has nothing to do with politics.  It’s about human rights.  The biggest piece of “ammunition” the ultracons like to use is the Bible angle.  ”God hates queers!”  I’m no theologian (theologist?) by any stretch, but I’m just guessing He hates people that are THAT full of hate more than He hates “queers”.  I mean, seriously… “love thy neighbor- except them faggots”?!  Come on.  But then, for centuries, people have cherry-picked the Bible apart and interpreted it in whatever fashion suits their purposes and agendas, so I guess this would be no different.  MY response to the God thing is this:  if you choose to believe homosexuality is a sin (or at least wrong) in the eyes of God, fine.  That’s your right.  But ultimately, it’s not any of your f-cking concern.  If it’s the sin you believe it to be, then it is between that person and his maker, be it God, Allah, Buddha, David Koresh, Bullwinkle, the neighbor’s dog, or whomever it is that that person worships.  Their being gay has absolutely no effect on you whatsoever, so let them be gay and butt the f-ck OUT.

The other biggie people like to use against same-sex marriages is the good ol’ “it’s an affront to the sanctity of marriage” thing.  Folks, you have no idea how friggin’ stupid you sound even attempting to use that as a “logical” argument against gay marriage.  Is two men or two women marrying each other REALLY a bigger threat to the “sanctity” of marriage than is the over 50% divorce rate in this country?  Seriously?  You want to talk about making a friggin’ mockery out of marriage?!  Or even more so, how about all the conservative politicians and what not that are getting caught sticking their dicks where they don’t belong?  What does THAT do to your “sanctity of marriage”?  My personal favorite was the [male] conservative politician (can’t think of who it was at the moment) that got busted having the affair with another man.  So, what- homosexuality is wrong except when you do it?  Please.  And liberals, don’t go patting yourselves on the back too hard; some of your people have been caught with the proverbial hand in the wrong cookie jar (or whatever euphemism you want to use here) as well.  Only difference when liberals get caught is that they [typically] aren’t as self-righteous as the conservatives are, so they don’t look nearly as hypocritical when they get caught.  Yet another reason it makes it so difficult- and embarrassing- to publicly call myself “conservative”.

So… taking those two ridiculous arguments away, can anyone give me a valid reason why homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed to marry?  Anyone?  I didn’t think so.  Gay men and women deserve to be legally recognized as a married couple is, to be able to receive insurance benefits as a married couple does, and to be able to be recognized as each other’s “next of kin” as a married couple is.  If it will help you accept the idea, look at it from this angle:  gay people should have to suffer [being married] as much as you apparently do, and should have to learn how it feels to legally lose half their shit if they get divorced.  Bottom line is that there is no reason- relevant, logical, rational, or even reasonable- that anyone can come up with as to why gays and lesbians should be denied the right to be married.  Get the goddamned hell over yourselves, shut up, and lock yourselves in your righteous ivory towers.

Besides, I’d be willing to bet that a lot of you would probably be shocked if you knew how many people that you know are actually gay.  Think about that the next time you head to your country club, sewing circle, or Bible group meeting.

Words

I don’t have much of a vocabulary, as you’ve long ascertained from reading this dribble.  Hence why I routinely get my ass kicked at Scrabble and its more popular iPhone equivalent Words With Friends.  I don’t know many “$10 words”, and I really don’t have any use for many of them, out of the mindset of, “what’s the point in using some big fancy polysyllabic or seldom-used word when there is almost always a much smaller, simpler word that is just as effective?”  (And yes, I see the irony of my using the word “polysyllabic” in that context.  On a related note, the word “monosyllabic” seems to be an oxymoron of itself, but I digress.)  For example, why use “verdant” in everyday conversation when “green” works just as well?  Who says “verdant”, I mean, REALLY?  I just think that many writers and speakers (and some people in general) just like to make themselves sound smart by using big words for no reason.  I’m guessing I dislike that so much simply because I don’t know what most of their hoidy-toidy words mean, but that’s my point- the average person shouldn’t have to carry a thesaurus with them when reading the newspaper or whatever.  Poetry and descriptive literary works are one thing, but many people that use the big fancy words at will like that come across as very condescending to us simple folk.  Just sayin’.

However, there are some words I just simply like hearing, even if I don’t know what they mean, and there are some words I flat out despise hearing.  This is not taking into account any sort of flavor-of-the-month buzzwords or other [pop-]cultural terms for things- most of which drive me crazy to begin with- nor have I included words simply because they are often used incorrectly, spelled incorrectly, or otherwise butchered.  That I save for posts about people that don’t know the language.

(Hey, give me a break- I’m trying to find excuses to post something here.)

WORDS I LIKE

• “vernacular”. I know- weird how I like a word like “vernacular” in a post about using big words for no reason.  I just like the sound of it.
• “tits”.  Sorry for the shock value, but at least from a male viewpoint, this word just tends to conjure up happiness upon hearing.  And no, I’m not going to list all the dirty words and curses I like. Suffice it to say that “tits” is probably my favorite, besides the F-bomb. (Note: “tits” must be used as a plural.  To refer to one breast as a “tit” is just wrong. “Titty” is acceptable, but not “tit”.)  Um, sorry.  Moving on…
• “titillate”.  No big surprise, I can’t hear this word without giggling.  Yes, I’m an 8-year-old.
• “viscous”
• “magnanimous”
• “egregious”
• “inconceivable”.  It just makes me think instantly of the movie “The Princess Bride”, one of my favorite cheesy 80s movies.

WORDS I DISLIKE

• “moist”. ‘Nuff said.
• ANY word for underwear other than “underwear”. This includes but is not limited to “panties”, “underpants”, “undershorts”, “shorts” (“shorts” are what you wear OVER your underwear, damnit!), and “unmentionables”.  Basically I hate anything and everything about talking about underwear.
• Medical terms like “bile”, “mucus”, “pus”, and the like that, upon hearing, instantly contorts one’s face into looking like… well… like they’ve tasted bile, mucus, pus, and the like.
• “seepage”.  Nothing good ever results when the word “seepage” is involved, in ANY connotation.  Ever.  Think about it- when was the last time you had a GOOD experience when seepage occurred?  The prosecution rests.
• “stain”.  As with “seepage”, is there such thing as a good stain?
• “gesticulate”, “masticate”, “genuflect”.  Even though they’re not gross in meaning, they just sound gross.  Example: The zebra gesticulated wildly when the lion attacked. Well YEAH it did… I’d gesticulate all over myself if that happened to me!
• “penal”.  If you’re talking about the prison system, then SAY “prison system”.  ”Penal system” sounds like some male-enhancement product sold on late-night infomercials on Spike TV, whereas “penal code” sounds like some set of hygiene and/or hiring requirements for Chippendales dancers.
• “flatus”.  It’s called a fart, people.  I don’t mind the word “flatulence”, when necessary in certain company, but saying “flatus” is just dumb.  It’s a FART.
• “homage”, and certain other words we stole from other languages, that nobody seems to know they really should be pronounced.  Is it “OMM-ij”? “oh-MAHJ”? “HOMM-ij”  Somebody, somewhere, pick a pronunciation already!

What are some words you like?  Why?  What are some words you dislike and why? Again, try not to list words that are frequently used incorrectly or are otherwise simple victims of poor grammar, spelling, and/or vocabulary.  I’m talking about words you simply like- or don’t like- hearing.

Funny how…

…people usually only get labeled ultra-conservative right-wing nut jobs (or ultra-liberal left-wing nut jobs) by their extreme polar opposites.  And how, apparently, you HAVE to be one extreme or the other or else your views are deemed irrelevant.  And, while we’re at it, funny how, when you (and by “you”, I mean “white people”) say something remotely negative about President Obama (or any black person), you’re called a racist, yet when you say something remotely positive about Obama (or any black person), you’re called disingenuous, condescending, and/or insincere.  Or worse.

…a small-business owner can curse out, throw chairs at, and physically assault his or HER customers and still remain in business.

…people bitched about getting “decent” bike and walking paths in Washington Park and, now that they’re there, nobody uses them.  Conversely…

…motorists bitch and complain about cyclists using the streets yet don’t believe there is a need to “waste money and time” on the city making bike lanes for cyclists to be able to actually get around town safely.  Holy crap, I’m tired of hearing, “if you want to ride your bike, go use the bike trails”.  You know, Sunshine, some people would actually prefer to ride their bikes to work instead of taking a car.  And still others have no choice but to ride a bicycle.  Either way, they should be able to do so without constantly having to worry about being run down by 1500-lb vehicles operated by people texting, shaving, applying makeup, eating their McBreakfasts, etc.

…when a baseball player uses PEDs, he is suspended for minimum 50 games, publicly vilified, and figuratively pelted with rocks in the town square, yet when a football player uses PEDs, nobody seems to care- neither teammates, coaches, league commissioners, nor fans- not to mention they are allowed to keep awards bestowed upon them sometimes just days before being outed for said PED use.

…someone who less than a year ago submitted a blog post poking fun at “beer snobs” now so strongly despises the taste of mass-marketed “big corporation” beers (the A-Bs, the Miller Lites, etc.) that he would rather drink nothing, and is currently on a mission to try as many different microbrews and craft beers as he possibly can.  (NOTE: This one has nothing to do with me.  It’s… um… someone I know, but not me.  Nope.  Definitely not me.)

…watching professional wrestling makes you an uneducated heathen slackjawed booger-eating moron, yet there is absolutely nothing wrong with watching (and getting equally as caught up in) shows like “American Idol”, “Real Housewives of <insert location here>”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “The Bachelor/-ette”, the sluts-and/or-douchebags-competing-to-date-washed-up-rock-stars-and-rappers shows on VH-1, Dr. Phil, Oprah… or for that matter, the UFC shows, or MMA, or whatever it’s called.  Other than MMA not being choreographed- as far as we know- and the use of weapons actually being against the rules rather than encouraged, there is absolutely no difference between that Ultimate Fighting Championship crap and the WWE.  Except that the WWE is actually watchable and somewhat entertaining.

…unions claim to be all about preserving union jobs and taking care of their members, yet [certain unnamed Midwestern capital city unions] would rather lose dozens of said union jobs (silly little jobs like firefighters and police officers) than to give up a raise or two for the greater good of the union.  Not to mention that of the city and its residents.

…men have no problem being naked and letting it all flop out around one another in locker rooms, doing sickening things involving each other’s ass cheeks to get accepted into fraternities, etc., but absolutely have a homophobic conniption if another man uses the urinal directly next to them in a restroom.

…women think men are just disgusting for thinking and talking the way most of us do, yet they talk the way THEY do among other women when they think men can’t hear them.  Most of you women have absolutely no right calling men “gross” or “oversexed” or anything.  I have absolutely no problem with women that are foul-mouthed, dirty-minded broads, but don’t sit there and act all angelic and pure and oh-so-easily offended just because men are around.

…stay-at-home moms are called “homemakers” and are considered heroes for all they do with no salary- and rightfully so- yet stay-at-home dads are called lazy unemployed losers.

…being drunk diminishes not only one’s judgment and motor skills but also one’s ability to whisper.

…people in this country think nothing of sending millions of dollars to foreign countries they’ll never visit (and probably can’t find on a map) aiding natural disaster and sickness epidemic victims they’ll never meet, yet will not give a dime to programs that try to feed the hungry, cure the sick, or house the homeless in the United States.

Pet Peeves II

Well, since AnonComm seems to think I need to make it a regular feature, and since I can’t come up with anything [original] about which to write, I’ve decided I’m going to make another partial list of my pet peeves.  Y’all may remember my post a couple weeks ago about more or less innocuous things that irrationally get on my naaarrrrves, though judging from the readership here lately, I’m the only one that even read it, let alone that remembers it.  Anyway, here’s some more.

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Women in hats. I just don’t think hats are a good look on women- most of the time.  I give a pass to women in baseball caps when they are actually at a baseball game, but beyond that, I just don’t care for hats on women.  Sun hats, berets, cowboy hats (ESPECIALLY cowboy hats- they’re not a good look for ANYONE!), it doesn’t matter.  Now, to any women reading this that like wearing hats:  I’m not speaking ill of your character or even of your style or choice of wardrobe.  I’m simply saying I’m personally not fond of seeing women wear hats.  Certain women can occasionally pull off “the right hat”, but most of the time, I simply am not a fan of women in hats.  But then, I’m also not fond of women wearing ties either.  Or, for that matter, ANY “men’s” clothing.  Women wearing men’s suits or tuxes, not a good look.  A woman in a suit tailored for a woman, that’s perfectly fine, and often very sexy.  Women in a man’s suit, just don’t care for it.  Honestly, the only time I’m okay with a woman wearing men’s clothes is when a woman is wearing a man’s dress shirt and nothing else.  Sorry, I’m a pig and I admit it freely, but that look is HAWT.

Grossly (and, especially, intentionally) oversung versions of the National Anthem. It’s “The Star Spangled Banner”, people.  THE patriotic anthem of our country.  Show a little respect.  I want the song sung the way it was written and MEANT to be sung.  I don’t want some 17-minute extravaganza (looking at you, Whitney Houston) or hearing someone changing the arrangement and/or improvising a bunch of vocal exercises into it (looking at you, damn near everyone else nowadays).  It’s an extremely hard song to sing as it is- not many people can do it well- but don’t make things worse by trying to “make it your own”.  Keep your forced, fakey-sounding vibrato (“Oh say, can you seeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeee”) and your boo-da-la-dwee-dwee-doobee-doo-wahs inside and just sing the song.  Oh, and here’s a tip:  learn the goddamned words before you attempt to sing it, especially for a national or world-wide audience.  Unless you enjoy being called out for being the douchewaffle (-tte) you are for butchering it.

Baseball spectators that boo every damned thing. You’ve heard them.  They boo when a guy gets walked.  They boo when someone calls time out.  They boo when a pitcher throws to first for a pickoff attempt.  It’s all part of the game of baseball, toolbags.  Get over it.  And then there are those “special” fans that boo the very players they came to see.  ’Scuse me a moment while I clear my throat. AHEMCubsfansCOUGH.  Hey, it IS your right to boo anything or anyone you want.  But it’s also my right to tell you what a cockspank you are for doing so.  And another thing regarding baseball “fans”:  read, learn, and understand the friggin’ balk rule.  It is NOT a balk every time the pitcher fakes a throw– STOP SCREAMING “BALK!!” EVERY TIME!!  And don’t even get me started on people that try to get a wave going.

GEICO commercials. They were clever at first, a couple of them even funny.  After you’ve seen them a few times, they still made you chuckle a little.  Now they are just obnoxious and need to be destroyed.  The cavemen, the lizard, and especially the “Somebody’s Watching Me” money-you-could-be-saving-with-GEICO spots all make me spit nails.  The GEICO ads make the people that came up with the “Flo the Progressive Girl” campaign look like geniuses.  And what is it about Flo?  Men love her, women despise her.  I like her, and I have no idea why.  Anyway… those damned GEICO ads need to go… well, okay, all except the pothole ad.  I still like that one.  My youngest will come running from across the house when that ad is on and recite it word for word.  Cracks me up every time.  But the rest of them need to go.

Fake swearing. Anyone that knows me knows I am a potty mouth.  Check that- I possess a rather profane, vulgar vocabulary.  It’s not something of which I am proud, but it’s a part of who I am.  I really do try to be cognizant of my surroundings and company and be aware of times it’s not appropriate to swear (church, school functions, etc.), or people around whom I should watch my language (children, overly uptight people, etc.), but I do still use bad language pretty regularly.  I mean, it’s not like every third word I say is a swear word, but I do swear quite a bit.  That being said, there are times even I have been all, “dude- back off with the language” or when I have thought a particular movie was excessively gratuitous in the F-Bomb department.  Ne’er the less, since I swear as much as I do, hearing bad language typically doesn’t faze me in the least.  But here’s the thing- if you’re going to swear, then swear.  Otherwise, don’t even try.  You sound like an idiot.  Or a 10-year-old trying to be cool, or trying to see how much they can get away with in front of their parents.

One of the biggest offenders: “bullcrap”.  The word is “bullshit“.  If you can’t bring yourself to say “bullshit” or you’re in a position where you can’t or at least shouldn’t swear, then say “B.S.”.  That makes you sound so much respectable than when someone who is really pissed off says, “WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLCRAP!”  Might as well say “doodie”.

Another is any form of the F-Bomb that isn’t the F-Bomb.  Frig. Frick.  Frak.  Freak.  Fark.  Furk.  Fluck.  Or the  always adolescent-sounding Fudge.  (SIDE NOTE: Yes, I’m guilty of using “friggin’” and “frickin’” a lot here, but I have so few readers as it is that I don’t want to chase the last few of you away with too many F-Bombs.)  Also bad are “initializing” your cursewords.  Effing.  GD.  She’s such a B.  Really, saying “B.S.” for “bullshit” is the only “proper” way to abbreviate any form of cursing.  Otherwise, either say the word or find a different way to express yourself.  Again, there are times it is inappropriate to swear.  At those times, pick your words more carefully, or else swear under your breath.  Otherwise, if you mean to say it, just say it.

Until next time, fuckers.

St. Patrick’s Day

Or as I call it, Let’s Drink For The Sake Of Drinking And Use The Excuse Of “Ethnic Heritage” Day.

Oh, come on, people… “Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day”?!  Jeez… looking for a justification for your alcoholism much?

St. Patrick’s Day is nothing more than yet another ridiculous late-winter “holiday” along with Groundhog Day and Valentine’s Day.  I never really understood the appeal of St. Patrick’s Day, other than maybe if you’re proud, sixth-generation full-blooded Irish, or just a raging alcoholic. To wit:

The whole Irish stereotype thing, for starters.  Leprechauns.  Erin Go Bragh.  Top o’ the Mornin’ to ya!  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate certain stereotypes if everybody else does it, right?  Not to mention how every year on March 17th you’re subjected to countless really, REALLY badly imitated Irish accents, most of them the likes of which we haven’t heard since Tom Cruise in Far and Away, Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future III, and Sean Connery in The Untouchables.  Mr. Connery, I love most of your movies, but one would think a Scot would be able to take on an Irish accent at least a little better than that.  Do people even know why St. Patrick was significant, other than “he drove all the snakes out of Ireland and led them to Jerusalem over 40 days and 40 nights”?  Bottom line, much of the legend of St. Patrick has passed through centuries of Irish folklore to the point that, much like Easter and Christmas, it’s become much more a commercialized secular celebration than the remembrance of any sort of religious event.

Someone on Twitter raised a good point this morning:  why isn’t there a widely recognized “holiday” celebrating Italians and/or Sicilians?  Or Danes?  Or Laotians?  Or the Lebanese, Latvians, Portuguese, or Romanians?  Or, for that matter, we mutts of mixed heritage?

French, German, English, Welsh, Dutch, and Scots-Irish, in case you’re curious. (Although, according to AnonCom, there’s no such thing as “Scots-Irish”; it’s just some “un-PC racist term some Anglo came up with” or something like that.  But I digress.)

Then there’s the whole green beer thing.  Whose bloody idea was THIS?!  Instead of drinking a Coors, Bud Light, etc., dyed with food coloring, how about “honoring” the Irish by drinking, say, a Killian’s Irish Red?  Or a Harp’s?  Or, if you’re into ingesting tobacco spit, even a Guinness?  In other words, a beer actually crafted in Ireland instead of dying cheap, nasty, watery beers green and calling yourself Irish for the night?

Then we have the wearing green thing.  Some unhealthily perky person somewhere came up with, “If you’re not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day, you’re going to get pinched!!”  I answer that thusly:  pinch me and I’ll kick your ass.  Actually, the original color “associated” with St. Patrick’s Day was blue, but again, I digress.  But like I say, unless you’re full-blown Irish, or maybe if you’re legitimately half Irish, you really don’t have much claim to St. Patrick’s Day, so the whole wearing green thing shouldn’t apply anyway.  But here’s the thing that perplexes me:  don’t wear green and you get pinched– by THAT little code everyone seems willing to abide.  Yet wear a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt, button, hat, or whatever, and nobody takes THAT seriously.  What’s THAT about?!  RELATED:  Damn good thing I didn’t pay for this “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” necklace I’m wearing.  Stupid thing doesn’t work.  Neither does mistletoe, for that matter, but that’s another issue.

And the “traditional” St. Patrick’s Day meal:  corned beef and cabbage.  I don’t like the taste of corned beef.  I don’t like cooked cabbage.  But for the love of Chrysler, say that on March 17th and people look at you like you just shot their grandmother and raped their dog.  Yet, if this article is to be believed, they don’t even eat corned beef and cabbage in Ireland.

Guess this is just another example of Americans taking over and sodomizing yet another holiday, celebrating it for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways.  Good God, we can’t even celebrate Memorial Day or Veterans Day properly or with the respect they deserve; what makes us think we can pay homage to Ireland?  Chew on that while you’re drinking your falsely verdant Natty Lights, eating your mushy corned beef and cabbage, and pretending your name is Seamus Francis John O’Leary.

Pet peeves

A friend and once-frequent commenter (big ups to Nancy!) mentioned something on the Facebooks once a while back about pet peeves that absolutely drive you crazy.  Her premise was things that are pretty much innocuous to most other people but will send you spinning into a dimension of lucid psychosis.  So that got me thinking about some of the many things that drive me into an eyeball-bleeding frenzy.  So I thought I’d list a few and let you discuss how ridiculously tightly wound I am.

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Pigtails. I absolutely cannot stand it when girls of any age have their hair in pigtails.  I think it’s a hideous look on a four-year-old, and I think it’s absolutely putrid on a grown woman.  If your hair is long enough to be in pigtails, it should flow freely like nature intended.  (Inexplicable exception: ponytails are fine.  Braided ponytails- especially French braids- are fine.  But definitely, any ponytail that lets the hair just cascade like it is supposed to.  Except those 80s-era side-of-the-head ponytails.  What the hell was THAT about?!)

The Guy Code (aka Man Laws). Who came up with these freakin’ “rules of masculinity”?!  One of the absolute dumbest:  You can’t use a urinal directly next to an occupied urinal.  Why the hell not?!  I was at a restaurant recently that had three urinals.  When I went in, it was empty, so I took the first one.  Another guy came in shortly after and took the far one, leaving an empty one between us, per the stupid rule.  Then a third guy came in and actually stood there and waited for me to finish instead of just using the empty one in the middle.  That is friggin’ idiotic!  Boys, if I gotta take a piss, I don’t give a fat rat’s ass if there’s another dude next to me; I’m pissing.  If you don’t like it, then YOU move.  Using an occupied urinal, I’ll give you that much.  But how does peeing in a urinal next to another man in a separate urinal make you… whatever it supposedly makes you?!  What the hell do you do while at a urinal that you can’t be next to another guy when you’re doing it?!  Afraid he’s going to see your little willy, or you’re going to see his?!  That’s what you deserve for looking there.  Afraid your little willies are going to accidentally touch?  Don’t flatter yourself, dude.  So what do you do at places like older stadiums and racetracks that have the old trough-style urinals, especially the double-sided ones where you are not only directly next to another guy that is urinating, but you’re also facing another man that is urinating?!  And why is just pissing out in the open three feet away from another man somehow okay?!  At least at a urinal you’re somewhat enclosed.  The “Guy Code” was apparently “written” by- and is followed by- a bunch of damned homophobes, and as we all know, homophobia is not the fear of homosexuals in as much as it is the fear that YOU may actually be homosexual.  There are many, many other similarly positively stupid “Man Laws”- many of them contradict typical day-to-day male behavior, mind you- but in the interest of saving blog space, I just mentioned one of the more ridiculous of them.  To all you idiotic Guy Code disciples:  I love getting pedicures and I regularly get my eyebrows waxed.  If you question MY manhood, drop your wife/girlfriend off here for the evening and then ask her about it when you pick her up.  Putz.  (See, ass pirates?  It’s nothing but stupid male posturing.  Get over yourselves, jagoffs.)  Maybe soon I’ll devote an entire post to that stupid Man Code shit and how stupid the douchebags that follow it are.  And speaking of bathrooms…

“The toilet paper HAS to be ‘over’”. I have never heard so many people (mainly women) that swear that the toilet paper just HAS to roll over the front of the roll instead of over the back. Like you somehow can’t use it if it’s hanging off the back.  You know what? As long as there IS toilet paper, it really doesn’t matter in the least whether it’s “over” or “under”.  Shut up and wipe your ass. Oh, and light a match, will ya?!

People on Facebook that bitch incessantly on Facebook about the stupid games on Facebook. I will agree with you– the farm games are stupid.  The mafia games are stupid.  And yes, God help me, I play a couple of them. AND, I get it that you are sick and tired of being pelted with lost cow notices and join-my-mob requests, not to mention the insipid “Which Smurf Are You”, “Which Skittle Flavor Are You”, and “Which Bell Biv Devoe Song Are You” and similar quizzes, and 98% of the other complete time-wasting shit on Facebook. I frakking get it.  But you know what, I get tired of being pelted with your bitching about it. SOME of us on Facebook take into account the fact that most people don’t want to see the farm stuff and what not, so SOME of us try to be at least somewhat diligent about not posting shit like that.  But sometimes I forget and let one or two go by.  It happens.  Sue me.  But here’s the thing:  you COULD be proactive and block the app from appearing on your news feed.  I’ve got well over 200 applications blocked from appearing in my news feed; it’s not a difficult task to undertake. Or, you could just deal with it and shut up.  I understand that Facebook is THE passive-aggression enabler of the 21st century, but holy crap. Frankly, I am sick of some of you posting your whiny “poor little me” status updates, your dark brooding lyric status updates, your 12-letter “secret” acronym posts to a specific person that you get all kinds of pissed off when someone has the unmitigated gall to ask what the hell it stands for, etc., but you don’t see me bitching about it, or sending threatening messages to you, do you?  No, you don’t.  And why?  Because I understand it comes with being on Facebook, but mainly because it’s not worth wasting the time to complain about it. And I HAVE to see your status updates; I have no choice unless I just completely block you, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of a… wait for it… SOCIAL NETWORK. At least with the applications, you have a way out of having to see that stuff: you can block the application. Either block the application or shut the hell up about it.

Hmmmm… I’ve totally got a metric shit ton more things about which to bitch, but this post is getting long.  Maybe I’ll make this a recurring theme.